Finding Home Again

By Atonia

Part 1

What was it Toni said, ‘look it in the eye’ that’s what Terry was about to do when he unlocked the door to his house. He first went to his office and set his laptop down and then went to the hall and flipped the light switches, walking through to the French doors and opening them. It was then he noticed it, the stillness, and the absence of life anywhere in the house except for the clock in the hall chiming out 11:30. He stood quietly for a moment letting it sink in, it was as though the house was waiting…waiting for what; to see what he would do? Waiting for life to begin again?

There had always been music playing in the background, sometimes a TV…Jacky’s high-pitched voice and…Toni. The house had been closed up since May; it was now mid June…had it really been that long; but then he’d been gone, gone for the month of April and most of May and June. He thought about what Max had said, describing his homecoming after Connie died; was he trying to prepare him for what he might not find here? As he looked around the main room nothing had changed, a Jacky toy left on the stack of books on the coffee table, he picked it up it was a viewfinder.  Dried up flowers adorned the mantle, Toni would have put them there when they were fresh.

He walked down the hall and down the steps to the kitchen; all was spotless and quiet, nothing had been cooked in here for awhile only the hum of the refrigerators and the soft warmth from the Aga. He opened the back door and out into the courtyard; potted flowers, some dead some still blooming, he touched the petals and went into the back garden, Jacky’s toys left out in the weather, and he picked them up and carried them up on the balcony where a weatherproof bin waited for them. Jacky would be home tomorrow and they would probably be back in the garden, but for now he dumped them in and closed the lid.

Back inside, he kept waiting for it; his heart beat had increased, breathing a little ragged he went up the stairs to their bedroom…his bedroom now. She was here everywhere he looked, Wiggins had tidied up after packing some of her clothes, but there just under the bed skirt peeping out were her white sandals. He held it in going into their bathroom…his bathroom; her things were gone from there except her scent. A closet door left open some empty hangers on her side of the walk in closet but most of her clothes were there…she didn’t want them…didn’t want anything from the house.

He found himself on the floor of the closet sitting with his head on his hands his face wet, He looked up not knowing how he got there and so he got up and went into the bathroom and washed his face. He looked at his watch, forty five minutes had passed since he’d come home. He ran his hand through his now damp hair and came back into the bedroom, it had hit him, knocked him down but he was back up now, on his feet…he could deal with it he had to.

There were things he needed to do, like call Wiggins and get her back in here, he knew she wasn’t happy with him, wasn’t when she left. Maybe he’d give her a raise, certainly her duties would increase, Toni wouldn’t be in the kitchen anymore. He went into the nursery; it had been set up for a baby, maybe it was time to redo the room for Jacky, maybe even move him into a bedroom, there were the two rooms that connected with a bath, that would work for Anna and Jacky. He could do that; maybe Anna would help choose what to put in there…what would he do with the nursery there would be no more children? He bit his lip pushing it down. Make it a study…did he need a study? He pulled off his tie and tossed it on his bed, his jacket followed and he went back downstairs.

He’d lit a cigarette and walked out on the balcony when his phone went off.

"Hi, Terry you’re home?"

"Toni…yeah about an hour ago."

"How is it?"

"Quiet…empty."

"That’s why I always kept the music going when you weren’t there; it’s a big house when you’re there alone."

"Maybe too big, maybe I should look for something smaller."

"Hard to find with a garden though, that’s why we ended up with that one."

"I was thinking a moment ago the day we bought this place…"

"Do you understand why I couldn’t come back there?"

"Yes, luv I do; it’s the same for me, it’s still full of a life that’s gone. It would be better I think for me to start looking for something else and put this place on the market."

"I think so too. You remember when we were at the House of Four Seasons and the magic spirits that were still there, they never left the place you could feel them all around you sometimes…"

"Yeah especially when I would first arrive…."

"I don’t want that house to be like that for you, put it on the market, Terry. Start looking today."

"Today…"

"Yes…what are you waiting for?"

"Well…nothing, Toni I can do that; yeah that would be a good thing for me to do for the rest of the day. What’s Jacky doing?"

"Max has him in the pool; he has on his water wings. I was just thinking about you going into that house alone and I wanted to…just…"

"I’m glad you did, very glad you did and, um I’ll fire up the laptop and see what I can find; maybe call an agent about this place."

"You can call me, Terry anytime you need to…I like talking with you."

"Okay…I love you, Toni."

"I love you too, Terry…Bye."

He slowly slipped his phone back in his pocket. She’d called just at the right time when he was about to go into a funk…how did she know? The seed was beginning to take root…sell this place it was too big for two people, too many stairs for Jacky to fall down he had to think first about him now. He stubbed out his cigarette in a planter full of sand and went inside to his office…start today…why wait nothing was going to change here. His eyes moved to a picture of Toni and Jacky on his desk he touched it briefly and opened his laptop.

Max brought a dripping Jacky and plopped him in Toni’s lap, "Yours," he said trying to rid his ears of water.

Toni wrapped Jacky in towel drying him.

"Did you get him?" Max asked picking up a towel.

"Yes, he was there. I think he may put the house on the market."

"Real Estate in that area is booming right now, he shouldn’t have a problem," Max sat down in a chair beside her. "Was he um…?" he raised his brows looking at Jacky.

"I’m sure he wasn’t."

Max lay back in the chair, "I’m glad you called him." He looked up through the trees wishing some of that peace Toni had found would find its way to Terry. He felt for him, he really did.

The next morning Toni and Max helped Anna pack up her car and brought Jacky out, he wanted Toni to come too.

"No, love I have to stay here I have to look after Maxi." Jacky frowned at Maxi but he got in the car and allowed himself to be buckled in. Toni climbed in the back seat and kissed him. "You be good for Anna, you’re going to see your Daddy soon. Jacky’s going on an airplane to see his Daddy."

He hugged his mummy and Max opened the door on the other side and gave him Joe, "Look who you were about to forget." He kissed him and closed the door waving as they drove off. He looked over at Toni holding Maxi she was quietly crying.

"Come on, love let’s go find Ludivine, I think Its Maxi’s time with Nana. I’ve got plans for you."

Toni wiped her eyes, "Plans?"

"I’m taking you for a ride to Gordes, didn’t I tell you? I know you’ve been but probably not on the back of my bike…" he smiled down at her sliding his arm around her and walking her into the house.

Part 2

"It’s beautiful, Max…I see why you love it so," Toni turned to Max, they’d stopped along the road so she could have a look.

"I do, Toni. I know England has its own attraction and I’m not talking just about around London, but out in the country but this is…I don’t know what it is," he grinned and slipped his arm around her.

"It’s you it was your destiny from the time you came out into the real world. To live in the chateau," she turned back to the view.

"And you were the first one to see it with me…do you believe in destiny…fate?"

"That’s not an easy question to answer, was it fate that Jack chose you to be my summer season and all these years later here we are…I don’t know…it’s not been an easy road to this place."

"No, there have been sacrifices, big ones…I still believe we were fated to be together; my love for you never wavered, Toni…never."

"I can’t say that, Max, but I’ve loved you so much you know that."

"Yes, I do. I know how much you love Terry too, that won’t go away, Toni, I can put out his fire in your veins but I can’t erase him from your heart."

"My heart is big enough; I’ve moved him to a different chamber. You, Max are the center of my life now." She kissed him and he hugged her tight.

"Well are we ready to ride, we’ve got a ways to go yet."

Toni climbed on the back of the bike and held onto his waist. She remembered riding behind him that day at the House of Four Seasons when they’d been to the stream and made love in the water. She’d loved him like no other then…and she did again.

"We’re going up there?" Toni asked.

"Right to the top, hang on; and she did as he wove his way up the narrow twisting streets some so narrow she swore she could have touched both sides of the walls if she’d stuck her arms out.

While Max and Toni were winding their way to the peak of Gordes, Terry was meeting with an estate agent. He was trying to fit in a viewing before he went to the airport to pick up Jacky and Anna.

"It’s just come on the market and has the advantage of an attached cottage."

"Has it been updated, renovated?"

"Yes two years ago the main house went under an extensive renovation." The agent pulled up in front of a period building and led him through the main entrance and out the back, "It’s just here and that’s the cottage attached."

Terry didn’t think too much of the outside, his flat had been in a better building, the house was in a nice upcoming section of Battersea, was he coming down had his expectations diminished without Toni? Perhaps he should look at a flat; he really had no idea what to do.

"The white one?"

"Yes sir, the back patio’s are joined which gives a nice outdoor space."

Terry came in to the place not knowing what he should be looking for, he noticed the original tiled foyer, stairs going up on the left and a lounge room on the right, past that a modern kitchen and large eating area. Storage was pointed out to him and then the back doors were opened and he walked outside; there were trees sheltering part of the terraced patios. Back inside and up the stairs to the master bedroom in the back with another bedroom in the front, two baths, more storage, a smaller room off the hallway, could be a study or another bedroom he was told. Terry was trying to figure out where Jacky would sleep and Anna.

He was taken to the cottage adjoining two small bedrooms up and a kitchen and lounge down. It occurred to him Anna could live there, freeing up the front bedroom he might need if he ever had a guest. Why would he have a guest…who would come? He’d make that Jacky’s room and gain a study. He decided he’d get Anna out here to look at it she may not want to live there full time, but he needed her to. That was something he was going to have to talk to her about. She lived with her mother who was not in the best of health and while she was willing to come at a moment’s notice and stay or travel as they had needed, she still maintained her own place. Without Toni he was going to need her full time.

He got in his car heading for the airport…was he incapable of looking after a two year old overnight by himself. Surely he could do that…he was beginning to realize how much he had depended on Toni. He’d spent a restless night in their bedroom; he still thought of it that way; all the more reason to find another place to live…and soon.

The first thing Jacky said when he saw Terry was that Mummy couldn’t come. He picked him up with Joe and hugged him, "She has to look after Maxi, Jacky so it’s just us."

"And Anna," he replied.

"And Anna," Terry turned to the nanny and smiled. "I’ve been to look at a residence today, I’m not sure it’s suitable I wonder if you’d mind having a look with me."

Anna went with him and after walking through both residences and the back patio area she was unsure what to say to him. "Well, sir it’s the neighborhood isn’t it? There’s not a park nearby for Jacky, only narrow walks not enough room for your morning runs. Not that it isn’t a nice area but there are other things to consider."

"Ah, yes I see what you mean so it’s not…it’s not right then?"

"That would be up to you sir."

Right, he thought, he was in way over his head, "Thank you, Anna." He picked up Jacky and they went back to the car. Max…he would call Max later on tonight, he had advised him to buy the house he had now.

Max was weaving through Gordes to the square where the notaries’ office was.

"Max…is this the same place you were in the movie?"

He turned his head slightly, "yes, the notaire is just down that street," he called back.

"I need food, Max."

Max smiled and began looking around for a café, feed the woman. He found a place to park his bike and helped her off, "Are you doing okay back here?"

"Um yes but I need to walk a little to straighten out my legs." He took her hand while they walked around and found a place to eat.

Soup, bread, a salad and a bottle of wine later they left the restaurant and walked around the square, Toni slipping in and out of shops buying only a silk scarf to tie her hair back with under the helmet. Max bought her some chocolate, which they shared walking up the street.

Back on the bike they began the descent to the valley below. Toni had thoroughly enjoyed the ride and the lunch. She thought it was awfully nice of Max to do this today because she’d been upset over Jacky leaving. But then he was very in-tune with her, always seemed to know what she needed.  Terry had been that way too; she laid her head on Max’s back and hoped Jacky got there okay.

It was late in the day when they got back to La Siroque and Max went to collect Maxi from Ludivine carrying him on his shoulders through the vineyard. Toni had gone upstairs to take a bath, she felt she needed one after riding around all day on the bike, oh but it had been fun. Max was fun.

She sat on the side of the bed filing her nails and thinking about life with Max. Things should settle down into some kind of routine now, it seemed they’d been going or coming ever since they came together at Connie’s funeral. There were some changes to be made in the chateau with the new baby coming. She stopped her filing and looked up…Jack, she smiled and put her nail file away wondering where he was and hoping he was safe warm and dry. She could hear Max coming upstairs with Maxi.

"How’s our little man tonight?" she asked taking him and giving him a hug and a kiss.

"Bathed fed and dry what more could he want?" Max said and grinned, "He’s too young for anything else."

"Oh I bet he wants a cuddle and a rocking chair for awhile, and then hopefully sleep."

"Hmm that sounds good to me," he gave her a kiss; "Ludivine is bringing over something to eat, casserole of some sort."

"That was nice of her after having Maxi most of the day."

"Well if you’ve um got that in hand I’ll go down and find a bottle of wine."

Toni smiled as he bounded out of the bedroom.

Part 3

"Max, have you got a minute?"

"Yeah, Terry what’s up?"

"I’m going to put my house on the market and I realized today after an unsuccessful attempt on my own to find another that I don’t know bloody all about real estate."

"And you called me for…?"

"Help…well you did help with this house."

"Terry that’s not my field of expertise where were you looking to move?"

"Well that’s it I don’t know, I went out to Camden but it wasn’t right for us."

"Have you an agent?"

"Sort of. I saw one today who’s looking for something for me. The thing is the house I looked at seemed fine to me but then some things were pointed out, like no park, narrow walkways…"

"I guess it would depend on what you’re willing to spend, you should get a tidy sum for your house and I doubt it will be on the market long. What are you looking for a flat or a house?"

"I thought I wanted a house but you know they’re all up and down stairs, that was another thing I forgot today and with Jacky…maybe I should look for a flat…I was thinking something with a garden."

"Are you going to plant flowers?"

"Um no I don’t think so, Max, I see what you mean and if there’s a park nearby for Jacky."

"I’d look for a nice flat, Terry in a decent area; look at Notting Hill or Mayfair you’ve got the money for that, you have to think of security too especially with you working and gone half the time."

"True…"

"Sounds like you need to slow down and think this out a little."

"I guess I do, it’s just that I really don’t want to be here in this house now."

"I understand that, Terry…there’s the cottage, you can commute and we left Anna’s car in the garage."

"Well that’s convenient…I’ll give it a couple of days here and then…yeah probably the cottage for awhile. Thanks, Max."

"For what? I don’t think I gave you anything you can use…"

"Yes you did. Have a good night, Max."

Max ended the call and looked at his phone for a moment and went back upstairs to take himself a quick shower before dinner.

"Terry called me for real estate advice, he’s trying to move too fast and has no idea which direction to go. I told him to go to the cottage for awhile until he can get it together."

"What was he doing?"

"Looking at property in Camden…" Max gathered her on his lap. "If you have any advice for him, call him tomorrow. He doesn’t want to stay in the house."

"I can understand that, I will after I think up some," she smiled and kissed him for his compassion. "You’re worried about him aren’t you?"

"He’s a big boy and he can take care of himself, but I know what he’s going through. The difference is I already had you to pick me up when I stumbled, he’s alone."

Terry walked out on the balcony and lit a cigarette. Anna had stayed until Jacky was asleep and Terry sent her home. Tomorrow they would go and get her car and he would see if he could stay at the cottage. It seemed like a good idea but the cottage was very much Toni. The thought came to him that he was trying to run away from her, memories followed you everywhere you went. Sure he could sell the house and buy another, rid himself of the furnishings, everything she’d ever touched but all he had to do was look at Jacky, she was there, a part of him. She was a part of him too she’d said as much in Paris, two souls as one engraved on her wedding ring, the magical ring he’d given her. They could never be separated not really.

He had a place to live, he turned and looked through the French doors, Wiggins would be there in the morning…life would resume. This was the only home Jacky had ever really known all his things were here; he knew where he could play. Why did he want to take this away from him, especially now that his mother wasn’t here? Max had been right he needed to slow down and think this out. He’d get Wiggins to clear Toni’s things from the bedroom there was no reason to remove photographs and other things she’d placed in the house, these were familiar things for Jacky and for him as well. Look it in the eye, it was what it was. He had made it so. He walked through the doors and closed them behind him and went over to the stack of CD’s and put one in the player, music…something to fill an empty space.

He didn’t go for his run the next morning because he didn’t want to leave Jacky asleep alone in the house. He found some instant coffee downstairs and made a cup bringing it back to the bedroom; and there in the semi darkness he drank his first cup of coffee of the day. Soon Jacky would be awake and would want to come into the bed with him for a cuddle and a morning romp. His routine would change now…so many changes.

It was nearly ten before he got a chance to run, Wiggins had come in with carrier bags from the grocer and Anna was there with Jacky. He ran to the park where there was a good track around the pond, he’d been around it a few times when he thought he saw a familiar head appear along the path towards the street. He slowed and began walking toward him.

"G’Day, Jack."

"Terry, how are you? You look like hell." Jack looked around for a bench and sat down. He was dressed in jeans, his boots and a shirt carrying a leather case Terry had bought him for Christmas.

"What brings you across the big divide?" Terry sat down and wiped his brow.

"I have a few days before I must report for duty and I thought to go across the channel and see Toni because I don’t know when I shall be able to return. You were on my mind this morning and I came to find you."

"Not much to find right now, I’m kind of scattered trying to put the pieces back, find a way to live."

"I think you may be having regrets; I told you as much at Connie’s funeral."

"Yes you did but I wasn’t thinking clearly, wasn’t listening."

"If Toni wasn’t carrying my child would you still be with her?"

Terry looked over at him, "I honestly don’t know, Jack. I think I had already set things in motion."

"Consciously or unconsciously?"

"I’m not sure; I had a think in Australia before I left to come home about our life together, all the things that have happened and what I had done. I thought…I’d give her a choice let her go if she wanted to."

"Do you really think she would have left you? She would have forgiven you your Australian and understood. My God man, if she hadn’t left you before that…something inside you has changed, I don’t know what it is…but something. Have you seen her since…turning her to Max?"

"Yeah in Paris at Penny’s wedding, and then I spent the night at the chateau before coming home. It…was hard, you know?"

"I can imagine it was; how is she?"

"Happy, I knew Max could do that." He smiled a little. "So now I’ve come home with Jacky, I guess we’re going to share him, back and forth. Toni’s taken Maxi as her own."

"She would do." Jack stretched his legs out in front of him. "There is no chance of you getting her back, I know Max, he’s got what he always wanted he won’t let her go."

"I wouldn’t try. He could have taken her from me anytime he wanted to, used his element, but he didn’t. I wouldn’t do that to him. I’ve cut off my right hand…I’ve got to learn to use my left."

Jack smiled, "It can be done and done well. You’re a realist, Terry you made a hasty decision and a wrong one now you must live with it. Work your life around it and go on; I know you have the inner strength to do so. Toni will always be a part of your life as she is mine, more so now as we will have a child together. I’m glad you’ve seen her that was the first step in the right direction, as much as you scoffed…you are her season as I am; she will always be there for you and you must be there for her."

Terry sighed, "I will be…you said you were going across the channel, flying?"

"Yes, I must make my way to the airport."

"Come home with me I’ll call you a taxi; have you got any cash?"

Jack gave him a look.

Terry smiled, "I’ll stake ya, Max needs to set up an account for you at the bank." He rose from the bench and he and Jack walked back to his house.