Time, that renews the tissues of this frame,

That built the child and hardened the soft bone,

Taught him to wail, to blink, to walk alone,

Stare, question, wonder, give the world a name,

Forget the watery darkness whence he came,

Attends no less the boy to manhood grown,

Brings him new raiment, strips him of his own;

All skins are shed at length, remorse, even shame.

Such hope is mine, if indeed this be true.

-Edna St. Vincent Millay(From Two Sonnets in Memory)

 

Part 1

Willy went to sleep against his chest and Blaine carefully laid him back in his basket and gathered up his canes. He went through the house and found Mrs. Broadus.

“Mrs. Broadus, who is in the house?”

“Oh, you gave me a fright, Sir, I didn’t know you were here. There’s Toomes and Fish.”

“Would you mind, I’d like a word with all of you.”

“I’ll get them now.”

Toomes was the first in his study. “Is it true, Sir that Mrs. Blaine has left?”

Blaine took a breath, “If you will wait just a moment.

“Some things have changed here and I wanted to make you all aware of it. Mrs. Blaine has left and…Billy has also left.”

“She left the baby.” Toomes eyes went wide.

“Indeed she did. I will at some time in the future be moving to London. I am not sure when there are some things to be worked out. I intend to keep the house open but obviously not in the present state. Mrs. Broadus if you would agree to come in twice a month and see to things.  Fish, I’m afraid when I leave that you will have to find another placement. I will of course recommend you. Toomes, you have done an excellent job with Lyssa and I am asking if you will also take on Willy. I cannot care for him alone. I would like for you to stay with me when I move. I will increase your salary for Willy.”

“Yes, Sir, I’d be glad to stay with you. Is she not coming back?”

“It would appear not.”

“Oh, I am so sorry, Sir.” Mrs. Broadus and Toomes looked at each other.

“Billy’s bags are in the hallway and I understand someone will be calling for them. When I know more details about the move I will let you all know. Thank you.”

He sat down at his desk and they left him. He put his head in his hands feeling the weight of what he’d done. There was a scratching at the door and it opened wide enough for Freckles to come in and find him. He rubbed the dog’s head and leant over and rested his forehead on him until he got a lick on his cheek.

“You are a good dog, Freckles.”

“Sir?” It was Fish at the door, “Where would you like your meal?”

“Meal? I…I do not wish a meal.”

“That’s all right then.” She closed his door.

He went out into the hall and back to the front room to check on Willy but Toomes had all ready taken him . Freckles followed him to the elevator and into his room. He hadn’t planned on staying but now he must. Lyssa would be coming home and he had to tell her about the changes. He sat down on the side of his bed and he wanted to cry but the tears would not come. It chilled him thinking of the empty rooms down the hall outside of his bedroom. He sat there staring into nothing and didn’t realize the tears had come.

 

Billy opened his door and leaned on the wall, “Mandi, come in.”

Mandi looked at him, dishevelled and obviously he’d been drinking. “Billy…are you okay?”

“Of course I am why wouldn’t I be? Have you come to throw me out? Where’s Willy?”

“I haven’t come to throw you out. You may want to throw me out. I left Willy with David.”

“You…you left him?”

“David came to tell me it was over between us. The marriage is over I’m to get a divorce if I want it.”

“No, no I meant you left Willy?”

“Yes I did.” She watched him stagger a little walking to the kitchen.

“You can’t give him to Blaine.”

“It’s his son.”

“Willy is not Blaine’s son…he’s mine. He’s the only good thing that came out of-“ He picked up his glass. “I’m sorry do you want a drink?”

“No I don’t think so. Haven’t you had enough, Billy?”’

“There isn’t enough.”

“How long have you…been drinking?”

“Since last night. It sounded like a good thing to do. You can’t leave the boy. How could you leave Willy?”

“David is the one that wanted him to begin with I thought it was only right that he should have him now. What would I do with him? I’m going back to work.”

He raised his voice. “You don’t give him away for Christ’s sake.”

“This was a mistake I shouldn’t have come here.”

“It’s half yours…have it.” He took a drink from his glass.

She walked around the kitchen counter. “What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to finish this drink.”

“No, I mean what are you going to do now?”

“I’m going to get my son.”

“You’re crazy, what will you do with him?”

“I’ll love him.” He looked at her, “You didn’t love him poor little sod. How could you give him away?”

“I don’t know but I had to. This past year I was sick every day…I didn’t want to be pregnant, Billy. I went through all that for nothing. He just threw me out like yesterday’s paper. I can’t take care of the baby.”

“You didn’t want to be pregnant? You could have fooled me. Sure worked hard enough at it to get that way.”

“Well, I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

“Don’t pay any attention to me.” He moved out of the kitchen to the sofa and sat down. “You gave him away.”

“He carries David’s name.”

“He carries mine too.”

“You and David can fight over him. I’m going.”

“Where…where are you going?”

“To find a place to stay for the night.”

“You can stay here.”

“I don’t think I want to.”

“Well then suit yourself. We made a baby and you don’t want him. Don’t you see…that was Blaine’s story. You’ve played right into his hands.”

“I’ll call you when you’re sober.” Mandi left him.

She sat in her car crying. Did he think it was easy for her to leave Willy? Did he think she wanted to?

Something hit her car and she jumped. It was Billy and she rolled her window down.

“Mandi, I’m sorry. Come on, love.” He opened her door.

 

Blaine finally got Lyssa to sleep. She had so many questions he couldn’t answer and in her mind Mandi had gone away with Billy. He didn’t tell her it wasn’t true because he didn’t know for sure that she didn’t go to him. He didn’t tell her about the move to London yet. That could wait until he was ready. He went downstairs to his study to open his mail, write some checks and while he was at it he made a note to transfer some money into Mandi’s account. It was something to do and it kept his mind off his situation.

It all came flooding back when he went to bed. Strangely enough it was Billy he missed the most. He was always there for him. He never faltered and never complained. How was he going to live without him?  He depended on Billy for everything and he’d taken care of it and him. As he finally drifted off to sleep he dreamed of a small boy standing alone in front of a foreign school where he knew no one and did not speak the language.

Lyssa came in to talk to him before she went to school. Toomes brought the baby in while she took care of her own needs. He hadn’t got up. Mrs. Broadus brought him a tea tray after Toomes prompted her.

“Billy always took Mr. Blaine a tray,” she’d said.

He called the trainer after finding his number down in his study where Billy kept a phone book. Later he worked out for an hour and a half and swam for awhile. Showered and dressed he went out into the garden after seeing his gardener at work in the borders. He told him how he wanted the garden kept and that he was going to be moving to London soon. He had his lunch in the breakfast room where the smell of baking bread filled the space.

Later he took a book out into the garden. Toomes brought Willy out in his chair for some sun and Freckles lay at his feet. It was late April and all about him new life was beginning. Birds in and out of the hedgerows feeding their young. Spring flowers were popping up everywhere and shoots of what was to come in summer. He lay his book down and closed his eyes.

“Mr. Blaine there’s a man here for the bags.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Broadus, am I needed?”

“No, Sir, I just wanted you to know he’s come.”

He looked down at Willy and had the strongest desire to call Mrs. Broadus back and tell her to send the man away but he didn’t. He couldn’t. He’d set something in motion and he couldn’t call it back now. He picked the baby up and held him. At least he had Willy who was a part of Billy and Mandi and at last he had unfiltered access to him.  He could hold him and look at him without someone standing over his shoulder as if he might drop the babe, as if he didn’t know how to handle him.

“You’re going to look like your father.” He placed a kiss on Willy’s head and tucked the blanket around him.

Part 2

Billy and Mandi went out to lunch and were walking along the waterfront. He’d apologized several times for being drunk and obnoxious the evening before but still he was upset that she’d left Willy with Blaine. He tried to see it from her point of view but it didn’t wash with him and he kept bringing it up.

“I think I’ll look for another flat or maybe even a house. You can have our flat.”

“You think it’s not big enough for both of us or is it that you don’t want to live with me?”

“Why does it have to come down to that? I know you’re feeling rejected right now…so am I. It’s not that I don’t want to live with you it’s…I just think we’d be better on our own. Besides I’ll need the extra space for Willy.”

“Are you still thinking about going after him?”

“I haven’t stopped thinking. I’m not willing to give him to Blaine.”

“I hadn’t planned on leaving him or I would have let you know. I t happened quickly. I was angry.”

“But you’re not going back for him are you? No…Mandi’s free now.”

“I know it sounds horrible. I’ll probably regret it for the rest of my life but if I’m going to have any kind of a life now I need to be on my own. You’re right about the flat. It’s not big enough for both of us. I’m very sorry, Billy. I thought you and I… how silly of me.”

“You’re smart enough to know that wouldn’t work, Mandi. Regardless of what happened between us it was Blaine that held us together.”

“I’ll always love him, Billy. You can’t stop loving somebody like that. He wasn’t always the best with me but still-“

“I don’t want to talk about him.”

“It might help you to talk.”

“Do you want to keep the flat?”

She sighed, “If you’re going.”

“I think I am.”

“Are we going to remain friends?”

He slipped his arm around her, “Yes, love, we’re more than friends.”

That evening Blaine was in his study and Lyssa helped him lay the logs for a fire. It had turned chilly when the sun went down. He was in his leather chair and Lyssa was drawing at his desk. He’d slipped a CD in when Toomes took Willy to be fed and bathed and readied for bed.

“Look, Daddy.” Lyssa came over and climbed on the chair with him.

“What have you drawn?”

“That’s the pond with the ducks that Mr. Beecham has and this is you and this is me and Willy and this is Mandi and Billy. We’re feeding the ducks. Don’t you like it, Daddy?”

He hugged her close and kissed her, “It’s beautiful, Lyssa.”

“I’m going to draw some more.” She hopped down leaving him with her drawing. He rubbed his eyes. They were her family…how could he have done such a thing? 

After a few minutes he called Renee. He needed to hear his voice.

“What are you doing?”

“Watching the replay of a soccer game.” Renee put a pillow behind his back in the blue and white room. “And you, how are you, Blaine?”

“I am all right.”

“Is it very bad?”

“Yes at times. I was wondering if you could come down for a few days.”

“Is that wise?”

“Why wouldn’t it be? There’s only me and the kids and servants here. Mandi left.” He looked over at the desk but Lyssa’s head was bent over her work. “I want you to come.”

“Then I will come. I’ve been upstairs with the thought of a little girl’s room in mind.”

“You had better look out a little boy’s room too. She left Willy.”

“Has she? You weren’t expecting that were you? I can’t wait to start doing them up. I thought your daughter might want a hand in decorating her room. How are you managing the baby?”

“We have Toomes, the nanny. She will be coming too, Renee, I feel this is too much to put on you.”

“No it is not. This is a large house with many unused rooms. It needs life again and that’s what you will bring to it. I’m very excited about everything, Blaine, especially you.”

Blaine smiled, “ When will you come?”

“Is tomorrow too soon?”

“Tomorrow will be fine. Will you bring Sam?”

“I was going to will it be a problem?”

“No, he needs to meet Freckles.”

Lyssa was back on the chair with him. “My daughter is drawing me pictures…what this?”

“Freckles can’t you tell?”

“Come soon, Renee.”

“Who’s coming?” she wanted to know when he rang off.

“A very good friend named Renee.”

“Will I like him?”

“I hope so, Darling. He has a little dog named Sam and he’s coming too.” She jumped down to tell Freckles company was coming.

Was it too soon? He didn’t think so he needed Renee with him.

 

“Well, well if it isn’t my prize pupil. How are you Mandi? You’re looking very well.” Cramer stood up and came around his desk and gave her a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek. “Looking for work are we?”

“Hello, Cramer.”

“What brings you back to the job market I never thought Blaine would let you work again.”

“It isn’t up to him. We’re, um, separated. I’m going to file for divorce.”

“You’re kidding me. I don’t believe it. Didn’t you just have a baby?”

“Yes, he’s eight weeks old now…nearly nine.”

“I’m very sorry to hear this. I’ve always liked him. I won’t ask details…none of my business but still, Mandi, you should be set for life.”

“I may be but it doesn’t matter. I want to go back to work…anything.”

He sat down with her and looked at her for a moment. “I can put you to work. I am assuming you have someone for the baby?”

“Yes, Blaine.” She fiddled with her scarf. “I left Willy with him.”

“Hmm. Maybe you should wait awhile before you jump back in the muck.”

“Why? I need something to do now.”

“I’m thinking about your mental state, Mandi. A woman who leaves her husband and her child…I’m not sure you’re ready to go back in the field.”

“I don’t care what it is, Cramer, I’ll empty trash bins.”

“See what I mean?” He wagged a finger at her.

“I didn’t want any of this, Cramer, he’s found someone else. I’ve just moved out and am staying with Billy right now.”

“Billy’s gone too? Wow. I must say I’m surprised at Blaine.”

“It was a surprise for all of us.”

“You’ll want to stay close in I should imagine so you can see the baby.”

“No…actually I’d rather not. It’s better this way.”

“I’m sorry, Mandi, I know this can’t be easy for you.”

“It’s not but I’ve to get on with my life and the sooner I begin the better.  He was an experience I’ll never forget and I probably won’t ever stop loving him but this is how it is and so…have you got a job for me or not?”

“I do have something. It’s not what you were used to. Not so much traveling around. I have a position in Geneva. You remember Jan Wasserman? He needs a right hand man, think you can man up?”

She smiled, “Yes, I can man up.”

Cramer smiled back. “You’ll have to go through training again, sorry about that but it’s been awhile. Are you physically able to…since the baby?”

“I’m healthy. I can do it.”

“All right then I’ll set it up…get you in training camp for four weeks and then you’re off to Geneva.” He looked at his watch, “Is it too early for lunch?”

“I’m starving.”

“That’s my Mandi.”

 

Part 3

Blaine couldn’t be still. He was from one thing to another. Mrs. Broadus had cleaned out Mandi’s room and changed the bedding to something more suitable for a man and he’d checked behind her twice getting a rolling eye the last time he’d been by the room.

“If I’d had a little more notice, Sir.”

“Some flowers I think, “ he said.

“You’d think the Prince of Wales was coming.” He heard her say as he went back to the elevator.

Out in the garden he found enough flowers with added greenery and ivy to make an arrangement in a vase. Fish got onto him for bringing them in the kitchen for trimming and arranging in a vase.

“There’s sinks for that out in the scullery.”

“Would you mind taking them up for me?” He asked sweetly with a big smile. She shook her head and mumbled to the elevator.

He left the mess in the sink and went to the front of the house again looking out of the windows.

“I know, Freckles, you are tired of following me around and wish I would stop somewhere.”

At last the little BMW convertible pulled into the drive. He had the top down and Sam was in the passenger seat looking over the side when he stopped. Blaine went to the door and opened it. Freckles nearly knocked him down bounding down the steps to check out his visitor. Renee let Sam out and there was a lot of tail wagging and sniffing going on. He looked up at Blaine and smiled.

“I’m not late for lunch am I?”

“I would have held it forever. I’m so glad you’ve come.”

Renee lightly stepped up to him and hugged him. “So am I. You didn’t tell me what kind of a house you had. This is beautiful. What color are the roses when they bloom?”

“A pale pink. They cover most of the front of the house.”

“It must smell heavenly.”

“It does.” Their eyes met for a moment and Blaine took a breath. “ Come in.”

The dogs followed them inside and Renee walked from room to room admiring the old house. “It reminds me of Uncle Brennan’s…kind of.”

“Oh, it is not such a grand scale…not so great a house. This is where I live.” He opened the door to his study.

“Ah…this is you. Dark and rich and very sexy.”

“I am dark?”

“Yes you are. You are full of shadows.” Renee kissed him.

“I will let Fish know you are here and she can finish lunch.” Blaine stepped out of the room.

Renee went over it looking at everything, taking in Blaine’s room. It made him think of good red wine or an expensive Brandy. It was a room of a man who lived well and appreciated fine things. He touched a vase of jonquils on his desk. Everything blended like a painting.

“Lunch in twenty minutes.” Blaine came back in and closed the door.

“I love this room. Did you do it?”

“I took what was here already in the house and had a decorator add to it. The furniture is new. I am glad you like it.”

“Do you still paint?”

“I haven’t for a long time.  I painted gardens that I worked on and gave the paintings to the owners. I haven’t painted since Charlie died.”

“I imagine your paints have dried up. I’ll get you some more. I can’t believe I’m here.”

“I cannot believe you are here. I was almost afraid to ask you…afraid you wouldn’t come. I know we agreed to wait until everything was settled.”

“I’m here so there went my good intentions. We should be discreet, Blaine. I am already notorious and I don’t want to drag you down. Where is Lyssa?’

“She is at school. I had a hard time with her this morning. She did not want to go to school because Sam was coming, you are just an escort.”

Renee chuckled, “I can’t wait to meet her.”

“You will see Willy in a little while. He will probably be asleep that is about all he can do is sleep and eat and use up nappies.”

“I am not familiar with nappies. So many new experiences ahead for us. It will be good, Blaine, I promise you it will be.”

The meeting with Lyssa came in the garden. She’d come running out and seeing the strange man sitting on a stone step  stopped her. She went to her Daddy and hung about his knees. She was shy but interested. Blaine made the introductions and sat back and watched as Renee seduced his daughter. He asked her questions she could readily answer. Questions about Freckles about her favorite things to do and finally he asked her who she loved most in the world.

“My Daddy.” She answered quickly

“So do I.”

“You love my Daddy?”

“ Yes, I do.”

She moved from his Blaine’s knees slowly to the step and sat down beside Renee. He introduced her to Sam. From then on she was his. He told her stories about Sam and they laughed together. She told him stories about Freckles and the missing socks. She wanted to show him where her hideout was and Renee took her hand and disappeared into the garden. Blaine was so happy his eyes smarted. It was going to be all right.

That night she wanted Renee to read to her and Blaine kissed her good night and went downstairs and told Renee he was on reading duty. Renee smiled and went up to Lyssa. Blaine sat in his study watching the rest of the program Renee had been watching on TV. He could see ahead now, see how their life would be. Renee was at home here in his house and had already won over Fish. He fancied himself a bit of a gourmet cook and was interested in how she prepared dishes. Toomes said he was lovely and trusted him with Willy. The next few days would fly by and Renee would go back to London. He didn’t want him to leave but he knew he had to. There were things he had to take care of himself and one of them was Billy. They needed to talk and he hoped Billy’s anger might have died down a little.

 

Mandi told Billy about her job and suggested he stay in the flat since she wouldn’t be staying there. She was moving to Switzerland.

“You couldn’t find anything further away?” he asked.

“I didn’t ask. This was the job that was given to me and I took it. It will be good for me…new place…new people. A place without any memories.”

“Hah, you think they’ll stay in England?”

“You don’t approve of me do you, Billy?”

“I t doesn’t matter what I think. Like you said you’ve got a life to live.”

“So do you. Will you look for work?”

“I suppose…I will have to. I can’t sit around here all day driving myself crazy. If you’re not going to live here then I want to decorate it. It’s way past its prime…like me. It needs a redo.”

“Do what you like with it. You’re not past your prime and I love you just like you are.”

“I thought I could make the small bedroom into a room for Willy. Mandi, how can you totally cut him out of your life?”

“With a sharp instrument. I don’t want to see him or talk about him.”

“That’s not normal.”

“Whoever said I was normal? I’ve never been normal. I let myself fade away bit by bit until you couldn’t tell me from anybody else walking the aisles of Sainsbury’s. When did I buy clothes like this? This is all Blaine…not me.”

“You always look very nice.”

“I don’t want to look nice. I’m going back to funky town.”

“You’re the one that’s crazy.” Billy ran a hand over his face; she made him tired.

“At least if I’m crazy I know where I’m going…unlike you.”

“Leave me alone.” Billy grabbed his jacket and left the flat.

 

Part 4

Billy was eating himself alive, he knew it but didn’t seem to be able to stop it. Mandi was driving him insane he wanted to choke her and hold her and cry with her. She was trying to develop a hard shell but sooner or later it would crack. As for himself he was without a shell… soft and vulnerable.  Time and again he went over the scene in the park. If he hadn’t left him would it have made a difference? He’d seen that look he gave Renee before. It was the way he used to look at Ali. No…it wouldn’t have made a difference, not in the long run. He might have gained a few more days, a week, a month but the outcome would be the same. Blaine had moved on.

He vowed he’d never get that close to anyone again.

He walked along the waterfront until he came to the end of the walk and he stopped and looked down the street. The open door of a pub beckoned him.

Sitting alone at the bar he had a pint and thinking he didn’t need to be sitting there getting pissed in the middle of the afternoon he started to get up but the bartender put another in front of him.

“I didn’t order this.”

The bartender nodded his head toward a young man at the other end of the bar. Billy picked the glass up and saluted him with it.

“How did you know I needed another pint?” He walked over  and sat down beside of him.

“Everybody needs another pint.” He looked up at Billy through a fringe of dark hair.

“I wasn’t going to have one. It’s early yet.”

“What’s time got to do with it?”

“Well, I think you have to maintain some sense of decency. Drunk before the sun sets is not a good thing.”

“What is a good thing?”

“I don’t know anymore.”

“If you don’t know what a good thing is why is getting pissed at two o’clock a bad thing. You need to relax and stop fighting it…just go with it.”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Just go with it.”

Billy did go with it. He had several pints, played a game of pool with the young man whose name was Stephan. In the course of the afternoon he forgot himself and when they stepped outside it was dark. Billy headed back towards the water front and Stephan went with him.

“Where are we going?” Stephan asked.

“I can’t answer that because I don’t know where I’m going.”

“Will you go with me?”

Billy couldn’t answer him. Stephan pressed him up beside a building and began feeling him up. When he felt his tongue in his mouth, Billy was gone.

He woke in an unfamiliar flat and pulled himself together. Stephan was still asleep when he let himself out of the door. He went home and Mandi wasn’t there. He was thankful for that and turned into the shower. He’d been off the streets so to speak since he’d met Blaine. His encounter the night before had been mutual but he didn’t want to make a habit of it.

He made his breakfast and cleaned up the kitchen. He was dressed for the day in clothes Blaine had tailored for him. It was all he had now but he was no longer Blaine’s clotheshorse. He picked up the newspaper and began looking at advertisements for furniture and fixtures. It was something to do so he went into the city to have a look around and see what he might fancy.

Everywhere he looked things appeared cheap and dull no better than what he had now. Blaine’s sensibilities had rubbed off on him. He was beginning to feel defeated because he didn’t know what he was doing. All he knew was that he didn’t want a three piece suite.

He came upon a showroom and the sofa in the window caught his attention. He went inside.

“I’d like to buy that sofa.” It wasn’t for sale it was a sample.  He was drawn into the shop and ended up talking with a decorator. They would come out and measure his flat and then make suggestions. He recalled what Blaine had told him about what he went through to furnish the house in the country. He agreed. Later he recalled what Blaine had said that he would never be rid of him. How true that was. He was ingrained inside of him. He felt as though he looked out of his eyes as Blaine.

Later he told Mandi over dinner what he’d done about the flat.

“I’ll pay half, Billy, whatever it costs.”

“You aren’t going to live there.”

“Doesn’t matter. I want you to be comfortable. You shouldn’t have to bear the cost of the whole thing. That kind of decorating gets expensive and besides it’s half mine.”

“Which half do you want done up in purple spangles?”

She laughed. It was good now they could talk without arguing. She told him she would be leaving in two days for training camp.

“I’ll be gone for four weeks. Will you be all right?”

“Yes, I don’t need a mother hen.” Then he wished he hadn’t said mother. She was sensitive.

Mandi looked down at her plate playing with her food. Have you called him?”

“No, Mandi, I haven’t called him. Have you tried?”

“I’ve seen a solicitor. I suppose they will contact him or his solicitor. I wouldn’t know what to say to him. I couldn’t say anything that he doesn’t already know.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right but sooner or later I have to talk to him about Willy. Don’t get all huffy now, I’m not talking to you about him.”

“He’s deposited a large sum of money in my account and I mean large. I don’t know what that means if that’s a settlement or what. I told him I didn’t want his help.”

“He can afford it…take it. Buy yourself some funky clothes.”

She grinned up at him.

“You’re handling this break up a lot better than I am.”

“You forget, I’ve been here before. When I left I had it all planned out until Ali came and talked me back home. You’ll be okay, Billy, you just need to find something to do. You’re a trained medic why not use that?”

“I’ve only ever worked on one patient. I’m not sure I’d want to handle anyone else.” He looked at his hands and could feel Blaine’s skin beneath them. He knew every muscle in his back, every mole, every vertebra in his lower back. Where you had to be easy, the knots under the skin where the plate lay.

Mandi reached across the table and took one of his hands, “Billy?”

“It’s no good, Mandi.” He rested his head in his hands.

She thought she knew where his mind was. “He is a beautiful man.”

“Are you about finished?”

“Let’s go now. I’m not hungry anyway.”

She hooked her arm in his when they left. She hadn’t asked him where he’d been when he didn’t come home the night before. He wasn’t hers. There was a brief time she thought different but he was always Blaine’s and now he belonged to himself.  Had it been easier on her? Maybe, but she had thrust herself forward and closed the door behind her. It was the only way she could survive.

She slipped her arm around his waist and he rested his around her shoulder. Anyone seeing them might think they were lovers but they were no longer intimate with each other. She didn’t tell him Cramer had asked her out and she had accepted. It was only a dinner invitation for tomorrow night but for some reason she couldn’t tell Billy.

 

 

Part 5

It had now been ten days since Blaine broke up his household. He’d sat at his desk many times thinking he was going to call Billy but up until now he hadn’t. He’d been to his bank and went over his account and Mandi’s. He’d asked for a copy of her statement and got it. A few things about it intrigued him. She was paying utilities, gas and electrics on a bi-monthly basis for an address in London. He Googled up the location on his computer. He didn’t know what to think about it. She wasn’t one to run into London as far as he knew but then he’d been gone a lot during the past year. She never mentioned it to him.

He promised Renee he would call Billy. He knew he had to do something about him. It bothered him greatly the way they parted.  He and Renee talked a lot about everything. That’s something he had missed since Ali died. He and Billy and Mandi never really discussed anything other than domestic matters and sometimes matters of the heart.

Billy didn’t answer and so he called again. It took three tries before Billy answered his phone.

“Hello, Blaine.”

“Billy, how are you?”

“Oh, I’m all right and you?”

“I am well. I want to see you. We need to talk, Billy.”

“Yeah, well, I’ve been meaning to call you about Willy.”

“That is why we need to talk. That and other things. Where would you like to meet? I’d rather it not be here.”

“Where are you?”

“At home. Where are you?”

“I’m, uh, I’m at home too.”

“I did not know you had a home other than here.”

“There are probably a lot of things you don’t know.”

“I do not doubt that. It is for you to choose. I can come to you if you would like.”

Billy sighed, “What the hell…you might as well come here.” He gave him the address but Blaine already had that address in his mind.

“I will be there in two hours.”

The flat was a mess. The decorator had been in earlier that morning to measure everything and he hadn’t put the furniture back in place. Billy got busy and put it right. He tossed newspapers in the trash bin including the ones where he’d circled employment opportunities. He wiped down the table and made his bed. Mandi left two days ago and he hadn’t done anything since then. He washed up the dishes in the sink and took a shower. He was as ready as he’d ever be.

When his doorbell rang his whole body jerked. With his heart beating madly he opened the door.

Blaine was nervous too. He wasn’t sure what kind of a reception he was going to get and then there was the other thing. He still had deep feelings for Billy and he was ashamed of the way he’d treated him.

Billy spoke first, “Come in, Blaine. It’s not much but it’s a place to live.”

“Thank you, Billy. It is not so bad is it.”

“I’ve had a decorator out this morning. She’s going to do it up for me.”

“Is Mandi here?”

“No, no Mandi left a couple of days ago.  She’s, uh, gone back to work for Cramer and he’s sent her off to some kind of boot camp for four weeks and then she’s moving to Geneva.”

Blaine went very quiet and still.

“She’s cut off ties with…everyone.”

“I see,” he said quickly and found a chair to sit down. “She has abandoned her child.  I have heard nothing from her except a letter from her solicitor. Tell me something, how has she been paying gas and electrics for this flat for the past year? Had she been planning to leave all along?”

“This flat was my idea. There were times when it became too much and we needed a place to go and clear our heads. We bought it together…we didn’t come here together if that’s what you’re thinking. We never had that kind of a relationship.”

Blaine looked at him a moment. “Was it that bad? You had to run away from me?”

“Sometimes it was.”

“You should have told me, Billy. You should have told me I was out of line. I know I am not the most thoughtful person.”

“It wouldn’t have made a difference. It was all about Ali. We ceased to exist when he was in town.”

Blaine looked away, “I know this is true and it does not speak well of me. I have wronged you in so many ways. You said I did not know what love is. You are wrong. I think there are many kinds of love. There is the love for a child, the love for… I have loved you. I still do, I will always love you, Billy.”

“That makes it all right? I’ve loved you too, Blaine. I carry it around like a weight I can’t put down.”

“Maybe I can help you put it down. I would never want you to suffer on my account. We share too much. We share Willy. I did not know Mandi would leave him. I want to share him with you.”

“I mean to have him, Blaine. I’m having a room made up for him.”

“We will share him. He is too young right now to be passed around. Toomes is caring for him. I am also caring for him. I can at last hold him and feed him and I do. He is a child I wanted and when he arrived I could do nothing for him. I felt I was pushed aside and not allowed to get close to him. I wanted your baby, Billy, and I still do. I look at him and I see you in his face and I love him.”

Billy felt his eyes sting and he looked down, “I’ve been trying to hate you. It won’t come. I wanted to call you and tell you what a worthless piece of shit I thought you were but the words wouldn’t come. They wouldn’t come because I don’t’ really believe it. I know you. I know how you’ve suffered.  I was there with you when you thought Ali had died in the explosion, when the papers came from his solicitors. I was there beside you. I hated Ali. I hated him for what he did to you time and again. How he crooked his finger and you ran to him to be petted and  pampered for a few days and then left. It would take days for Ali to wear off of you; before you’d come to yourself again. I know you loved him, Blaine, but I saw it from a different angle.

“You never really belonged to Mandi and me. I thought when he did die here in London that things might be different. You were in a bad way for a while after  that. We went and got your uncle. I had hopes.”

“When you love someone as Ali and I loved and one is gone forever it leaves a large empty space in your heart. I have felt empty and cold. I did try, Billy. There are times I could not ask for more and there were times I could not fill the space. He was part of my life and part of me. I could not give myself totally to anyone else because he held my heart. He is gone and it has taken me some time to get past the horror of his going. I may never completely get past it. “

“Oh, I suppose you will. You have Renee to help.”

“That is unkind of you. Do not be jealous of Renee. He has done nothing to you, Billy. He has not taken me from you. I have given myself freely to him.”

“You’re saying I never had you to begin with. All that talk about how you loved me was just bullshit.”

“That is not so. I did and do love you but you are correct you did not have me as Renee does or the way Ali did. Do you understand what I am trying to say? I have no desire to hurt you and I am sorry for what has happened between us. We will always be connected because of Willy and because of what we have shared. I miss you, I miss you every day and now I see how dependent I had become on you. I could not even dress myself. Do you know I did not know where my socks were kept? You treated me as a child and I let you.

“It is time that I stood alone.  It is time I recognized who I am…who I have become. No longer does Ali stand between me and the world. I have made mistakes, I have tried to be…something I am not. I do not need a keeper. I am not a child any longer. You were good for me, Billy, and without your care I do not know how I would have made it this far. I am well now and you can let me go.”

“Hah, I’m not sure I can let you go that easily. I never loved anyone before you. I guess I can say you taught me how that works. You taught me many things…brought me up in the world and I can’t go back to being what I was before you. I helped you to stand and to walk…I should have known what that would mean.

“About Willy, I want to be part of his life. I don’t care what you call me or what he calls me. I’m making a place for him to stay. I’d like Lyssa to come too. You’re all the family I’ve got, Blaine. I can’t do for him what you can but I can love him.”

“That means more than anything, Billy. You cannot buy love. Regardless of what others may have thought, Ali did not dazzle me with his wealth or the baubles he gifted me with. I did not care for them it was deeper than that. I do not intend to gift my children with excesses. You will note I said my children. You may have all the access to them you desire. Lyssa talks of you…and Mandi. I don’t suppose she will see her again. I still cannot believe she has done this.”

“Don’t be too hard on her. I think I know why. It’s the only way she could do it. She never wanted to have a baby. I’ve been upset with her over it too. I still love her though. We’ll remain friends for life but that’s all. I wanted you to know that we were not having a relationship other than with you.

“What…what are your plans? Will you stay in the country or…move here.”

“When my divorce is final I will move in with Renee. He is going to open up the upstairs of his house and do up rooms for the children and for Toomes who will be coming with us. I will keep the country house open and we will use it frequently. I cannot ask that you wish me well but I wish that you would. It is good between Renee and me. I do believe we will have a lifelong love.  This is the path I am meant to take. I feel it inside of me.  I feel my heart is beginning to beat again.”

“Of course I wish you well, Blaine.  I’m surprised you’re waiting.”

“I want to do things right and we both need time. Neither of us is taking this lightly.”

“I need some time too. I understand this flat is going to be torn apart for awhile and unlivable for me. I think I might take a trip.”

Blaine smiled, “And where will you go?”

“I don’t know maybe Paris or New York. I’ve never been there.”

“Paris is for lovers so they say.”

“Maybe I’ll go to New York then.”

“You will find someone, Billy, and you will forget you ever knew me that way. Don’t be afraid of it.”

“I’ll keep in touch with you and let you know how it goes with me…if that’s all right.”

“Yes. I want you to. If you do not call me I will call you.”

“I’m glad you made the call, Blaine. I kept thinking I was going to and put it off.”

“I was the same. I let it go too long, I know.”

“No, it’s about right. I went through some…well it’s past now. I’m glad we’ve talked.”

“So am I. I could not stand it if we could not talk together. We have been too closely related to not want to talk about things. Our lives are entwined and will always be that way. Do not think you will not see me from time to time. I want us to be friends if you can see that.”

“I might be able to see that.” He looked into Blaine’s eyes. “I won’t ever forget what I had with you.”

“No, I will not forget either. I must go I only came in to see you and I want to be home when Lyssa arrives from school. It is important for her that I am there.”

They rose and Billy walked him to the door. Blaine turned and kissed him. “Let me know when you want to see Willy.”

“I will. Be careful on the roads.” Billy held the door for him.

Blaine turned again and Billy put his arms around him and kissed him. “I think I might live.”

Blaine smiled and looked over his shoulder at him as he waited for the elevator. He thought he’d put things right between them as it should be. Billy talked about putting down a weight and he felt one fall off his shoulders as he left.

As much as he wanted to go and see Renee while he was so close, he didn’t. He went home to greet his daughter home from school and to hear of Willy’s visit with the doctor. There was time enough to call Renee and tell him of his day.

  

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