Remains of the Heart

by Atonia

Chapter 1

“It was all so wrong,” I would later tell our brother Crispin. “She ignored his wishes completely.”

But that was Maggie. The funeral had been planned with the same organizational zeal with which she planned her wedding five years ago. The little black suit and pumps, even a hat which looked out of place on her blond head. I couldn’t remember ever seeing her in a hat unless it was a sunhat at the beach when we were teenagers with oversized sunglasses and long tanned legs.

A raindrop fell on the program I held in my hands. I wasn’t reading it or repeating the words. I was looking at my brother-in-law’s flower-covered casket. It wasn’t right that his body should lie here so far from home. He’d wanted to be cremated and this is what he got. I moved a step back from the edge of the canopy and out of the drip line. The canopy was set up for the family. Only our family was present except for Morgan. I looked around my sister and caught a glimpse of him standing quietly by her side with his white, expressionless face.

What must he be thinking? He was an orphan now and I wondered what my sister’s plans for him would be. There hadn’t been time for much conversation between us. I flew in last night and the house was full of relatives. Nowhere to sit and talk as sisters do. But then we haven’t talked much in the past five years. She married and I took a job on the west coast.  I had the feeling we were different people now. There were more than miles between us.

At last it was over and we made our way across the sodden graveyard to the walk. Mother came over to me.

“Would you like to ride back with us, Carol?”

I glanced at Morgan. He was following Maggie and I wondered if she was even aware. “I think I’ll stay with Maggie and Morgan. I’ll see you at the house.”

The house. Yes, that was to come. All the family would sit around and eat ham and macaroni salad until dark. I was staying with Maggie in the house that she and Michael shared. Michael. I wish now I hadn’t gone to the viewing. I remember him as tall, all shoulders and slim hips with a shock of wavy brown hair over his forehead. It was hard to erase the picture of the ravages of disease I saw last night. He was too young for cancer, but then cancer is indiscriminant.

The limousine smelled of damp and leftover perfume. Who would wear perfume to a funeral? I tried to catch Morgan’s eye but it was directed out of the rain-streaked window.

“I hope Leah remembered to start the coffee pot.” Maggie tugged at the hem of her skirt.

I didn’t know what to say to that so I said nothing. Michael was being lowered into the ground where his body would lay in preserved condition surrounded by the inner folds of the expensive coffin. His ashes would not be scattered to the wind to join in whatever life they might fall upon. Rain would not wash them into the earth to be reborn in a blade of grass. They would not travel across the sea to his homeland as he had requested.

“Did you see Molly? Surely she could have found a coat or something to cover that belly of hers.”

I had to answer this. Molly is our sister-in-law and Crispin’s wife. She’s eight months pregnant. “I think she and Crispin are proud of her belly. I don’t blame them. I envy them their marriage.”

Maggie looked at me and then away.  I probably shouldn’t have said that. “I’m sorry, Maggie.”

“Its okay, Carol. I had a good marriage, too. It just didn’t last long enough.”

There are times like now, when the tender side of her is almost revealed. I love her but it’s hard for me to condone the way she conducted herself the last few months of Michael’s life. It was almost like she blamed him for his illness. It wasn’t his fault. What 35 year old man thinks he’s sick with cancer? He made the decision not to engage in chemo or radiation. It was plain to him and to Maggie, if she’d listened, that he was terminal. He opted for quality rather than quantity of life.

And then there was Morgan. Morgan was Michael’s ten year old son from a previous marriage. His mother was killed in an automobile accident three years ago and he’d come to live with his father and his new wife. He was a quiet and reserved boy and right now he was very much alone. Not once since Michael passed have I seen Maggie touch him except to place a hand on his back and tell him where to stand at the graveside. I know in my heart that she doesn’t care for him. He was Michael’s child and now Michael is gone.

Crispin and I were out on the screened side porch looking through the French doors at the great room where Maggie was the center of attention. We held drinks in our cold hands.

“He didn’t want this funeral, you know. I saw him three days before he passed. He grabbed my arm and asked if I’d talk to her. I tried, but, Carol, I think she’d been planning it from day one. From the day he was first diagnosed.”

“It was all so wrong. She ignored his wishes completely. What’s going to happen to Morgan?”

“I don’t know.” Crispin ran a hand through his unruly russet hair.

“Didn’t Michael make some provision for him?”

“Financially he did. I handled it for him. I guess he thought Maggie would become all motherly.”

“She isn’t.”

“No, I never thought she had it in her. I think she put on a good show for Michael. She did love him, Carol.”

“I know she did. I thought they were perfect together. Of course, I don’t know what the addition of Morgan in their household might have caused.”

“She would have done anything for Michael,” Crispin sighed. “I need to find Molly and get out of here. How long are you going to stay?”

“I put in for a week’s leave.”

The house seemed too warm after the cold porch. I finished my drink and wandered into the kitchen. Leah was loading the dishwasher.

“You need some help, Leah?”

“No, I’ve got it all under control. I have my own way of doing things. Sad day here today.”

“Yes, it is. I imagine it’s been sad here for some time.”

“Certainly has been. It’s been hard on Maggie and I feel sorry for that little boy.”

“I can’t help wondering what’s going to happen to him.”

“I guess he’ll go back to England.”

“What?”

“I don’t know for sure, now. I just heard Maggie on the phone talking to somebody about how a child flies overseas.”

“You’re kidding me!”

“So, there must be some family over there.” Leah started the dishwasher.

I know it wasn’t any of my business. This was and is my sister’s life but the thought of putting that little orphaned boy on a plane by himself and his father barely in the ground…well, it upset me. If she didn’t want him here then she ought to have enough feeling to take him over there herself. I went upstairs to find him.

He was in his room playing video games on his TV. A half-eaten piece of chicken lay on a paper plate beside him on the floor.

“Hey, Morgan.”

“Hullo.”

“I...I just wanted to say how sorry I am about your father. You’ve had a rough time of it over the past few years.”

He didn’t answer me. His hands were too busy working the controls.

“Is this all you’ve eaten? Would you like me to bring you something else or do you want to come down and find it yourself?”

“I’m all right.”

I knew he wasn’t. I wondered if he’d cried over his father and was there anyone there to comfort him? I was in danger of becoming too involved here. I left him alone and went back downstairs. The crowd was thinning out now. I saw my mother and Aunt Susan with their coats on.

“You leaving, Mama?”

“Yes, Sister and I are going home. Will you be over tomorrow?”

“Probably. Who’s driving, you or Aunt Susan?”

“It’s my car, Carol, and I’m still driving it. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I saw them to the door.

Maggie was flopped in a chair with her shoes off. So much for stylish black pumps. She looked tired and I noticed the circles under her eyes.  I also noticed how very quiet the house was. I could hear the dishwasher from the kitchen.

Michael had been an architect and this house was his design. The great room ceiling soared up two stories and the wall of windows looked out toward the lake. It was a nice view in the daytime. Tonight it was a flat black void. There were no window coverings of any kind and I thought the room felt cold though all the lamps were lit.

“Maggie, what will become of Morgan?”

She tucked her legs underneath her. “I’ve got him booked on a flight day after tomorrow. He has an uncle that lives somewhere in London and there’s Michael’s mother. I’ve been in touch with them.”

“You’re not flying with him?”

“Me? No, Lisa and I are flying to Miami. We’re going on a cruise.”

“Lisa?”

“My friend from work.”

I had to say it. “I really think it would have been nice if you’d taken Morgan back to his people yourself. He is your step-son, Maggie.”

“Morgan is and never has been a part of me, Carol. He belonged to Patty, Morgan’s mother.”

“Did…did Michael know what you were planning for Morgan?”

“Yes, he knew. Don’t look at me like that. It’s for the best. I wouldn’t know what to do with him.”

“He’s awfully young and he’s just had another blow.”

“When did you become so concerned about Morgan?”

I could have said today but there was more to it than that. For three years I was in a relationship with a man who had a son. The boy was six when we began and nine when it ended. I was his mother. It took me a long time to get over that and obviously I’m still grieving for the loss. I wasn’t allowed to see him after the break-up.

“I feel for him, Maggie. He’s so very alone.”

“He won’t be for long.” Maggie yawned. “I haven’t slept all night in forever. This whole experience with Michael’s illness has taken its toll on me.”

“Is that why you’re going on a cruise?”

“Yes, I hope to come back restored.”

“I wish you luck.”

“Why are you so angry with me?”

“Why didn’t you have Michael cremated like he wanted? “

“I don’t believe in it. He had a nice funeral.”

“There is no such thing as a ‘nice’ funeral.” I stood up and wrapped my arms around myself. It was cold in this room. “You never cared anything about his son, did you?”

“Carol, we had some good times with him. Michael is gone and those times are not coming back. I don’t have a place in my life for the boy. Not now. He understood.”

I looked out into the black void. “That’s a long flight for Morgan on his own.”

“It’s not like he’ll get lost, is it? I put him on the plane and somebody takes him off at the other end.”

“Who will take him off?”

“Whoever shows up. I don’t know and I’m tired. I really don’t want to have to think about this right now.”

“You don’t care, do you? As long as he’s out of your life.”

“I’m going to bed. You know what I think? I think you’re putting Lance in Morgan’s place. This is not Lance we’re talking about, it’s Morgan.”

Maybe she’s right and I’m wrong. Three years I had with Lance and three years she had with Morgan. Yet she never cared for Morgan. How could you not love a child? It bothered me, it bothered me a lot. It was still bothering me when I went over to see my mother the next day. We talked a little about Morgan.

“Well, I don’t agree with what she’s doing but it’s her business, Carol, not ours. He’s a good little boy and as far as I know he’s never given any trouble. I feel sorry for him to have lost his mother and his father in such a short time.”

“I feel for him, too. Would it be crazy for me to fly with him and see him settled somewhere?”

“Ah, yes. You don’t know his people.”

“No, but I knew his father. Michael was a kind and generous man. I can’t imagine just tossing his son towards an airplane and forgetting all about him.”

“What would you do?”

“I’d make sure he got where he’s supposed to be and then I’d fly home. A few days out of my life. I can do that for my brother-in-law.”

Chapter 2

Once I had that thought in my head it wouldn’t go away. I called my roommate and had her overnight my passport and I made my flight arrangements. Maggie thought I was crazy, but she gave me the phone numbers for his uncle and the grandmother.  I called both and let them know when we’d be arriving. The uncle’s message, whose name was Colin Landers, went to his answering machine. Morgan’s grandmother sounded like a nice lady. She said she was looking forward to having Morgan at home again. This I relayed to Morgan and actually got a little smile out of him. There was hope.

Maggie drove us to the airport and she hugged Morgan and told him good-bye. I didn’t think they would ever see each other again. There were no tears only an awkwardness between them.  I thought about her going back to that quiet house full of golden hardwood floors that echoed in the vastness of that great room.  Her clutter-free house.

I should say we are very different. Maggie got the looks for she is taller than me and I always envied her cool blondness. Crispin and I are more alike. We both got hit with the ginger brush. My hair is the color of a new penny and if I don’t straighten it with my hot iron it’s a curly mess. She got the clear blue eyes and mine are a muddy green. At least I was spared the freckles, Crispin got those. Our father had lovely ginger hair. He died of a heart attack when I was seventeen and Crispin was fifteen. Maggie was in college and old enough to drink beer.

As I said, Maggie lives in a clutter-free house. The same cannot be said for me. I like having things around me and I’ve never claimed to be neat. My two bedroom apartment in Sausalito is shared with Maeve Waterston. We work at the same agency and share a car. That’s how we met and became friends. I ran into her and totaled her car. It was right after my break-up with Danny and Lance and I was driving along crying my eyes out and didn’t see her stopped in front of me to make a turn. It turned out she’d just broken up with her boyfriend too and was looking for an apartment to rent. I helped her get a job with my agency and we pooled the insurance money and bought one nice ride. Things happen like that sometimes.

I was a little apprehensive when we landed at Heathrow. Michael took Maggie over shortly after they were married so she could meet his family. I’ve never met any of them. I shouldn’t have worried. After spending about forty-five minutes looking for someone Morgan recognized, I realized we were on our own. No one came to meet the plane.

I cashed in some travelers checks and considered my options. Train, bus, London cab? I had neglected to get the uncle’s address. Mrs. Landers, the grandmother, did not live in London. I tried Colin’s phone only to speak to the answering machine again. Morgan and I were standing near a tour kiosk and taking up too much room. I had only my small rolling bag and a backpack but all Morgan’s possessions were in two large bags and the backpack he carried.

“I suppose we’d better find a hotel.” It angered me that no one had met us. What if the boy had been alone?

“I know where he lives.”

“Who?”

“Uncle Colin.” Morgan opened his backpack and pulled out a grubby-looking envelope. Inside was a birthday card celebrating his 8^th birthday. The card was two years old.

“Are you sure he hasn’t moved?” I got a shrug as a reply.

With the return address as a destination, I opted for a cab.

We were deposited on the walk in front of a tall three-story townhouse. Black wrought iron fencing separated the house from the sidewalk. Three steps up and I rang the bell. Twice. According to the cab driver, this was Notting Hill. I had thoughts of the door being opened by a disheveled looking Hugh Grant.

Not exactly.

Long dark hair fell over the shoulders of a man’s shirt that ended with long bare legs.

“I’m looking for Colin Landers.”

“Really…” She closed the door in my face. I rang the bell again and this time a man opened the door.

I can imagine what sort of picture we must have made. Morgan and I both in yesterday’s clothes with our bags piled around us, looking more like vagrants than anything else. It was cold and windy. My nose wanted to run.

“Are you Colin Landers?”

“It’s him,” I heard from behind me.

He tilted his head and looked beyond me. “Morgan?”

I assumed we’d found the uncle. He’s younger than Michael by about four years. It was hard to tell from the steps looking up but I judged him to be a little shorter and more muscular. It was hard not to look as he was wearing a pair of track shorts and nothing else.

“Uncle Colin.”

“But, what are you...?”

“I’m Carol Henderson. I called to let you know I’d be bringing him.”

He blinked his blue eyes and brushed the razor cut dark hair off his forehead. “You’d better come in.”

I turned and looked at the luggage. “Do you think you might give us a hand with the bags?”

He looked at the bags and then back at me. Without a word he carried the large bags into the house. I don’t know what I expected but this wasn’t it. The tall, dark-haired woman was nowhere to be seen. The bags were left in the tiled hallway and we were directed into a living room.

“I’ll just be a minute.” He disappeared up the stairs.

“Well, that was odd.”

Morgan sat down on a sofa and pulled out a little hand-held game to occupy his hands. I remained standing. The room had a smell of dust about it and the dead plant in the window said it all. We waited for about ten minutes before I heard voices on the stairs.  I suppose it was necessary for them to pause at the landing and indulge in a long embrace and kiss. I turned away embarrassed. Obviously our arrival had interrupted something.

“Now then,” he began, rubbing his hands together. “What’s all this about?”

“Didn’t you get my messages?”

“No, I haven’t checked.”

“You do know about Michael?”

“What happened?”

“He passed away five days ago.”

He took a step back and covered his eyes. “I didn’t know. I mean, I did know he was-ah, bloody hell.”

“My sister hasn’t called you?”

“Sister?”

“I’m Maggie’s sister, Carol. Maggie was Michael’s wife.”

“Oh, I know that. I’m sorry, this is…” He looked at the boy on the sofa. “I’ve been out of the country and just got back last night. I’m very sorry, Morgan. I didn’t know.”

Morgan didn’t look up from his game.

This was becoming a little awkward. “Is there somewhere we could talk?”

“Um, yes, come through here into the kitchen. Would you like a cup of tea?”

“Tea would be nice.”

He’d pulled himself together nicely. A pair of jeans and an oatmeal-colored oversized sweater.  His dark hair was a little longish and damp. He had that just-showered look about him. I was trying to see Michael in him as he moved about filling a kettle. He had the same wide open eyes but they were a different color. His hair was darker too. He looked as though he hadn’t shaved in a couple of days. He was a good-looking man.

He lit a cigarette and leaned on the counter waiting for the kettle to boil. “Why have you brought Morgan back?”

“He has nowhere else to go. I spoke to your mother and she said she’d be happy to have him.”

“My mother is in a wheelchair and quite disabled.”

“I didn’t know. Isn’t there someone else…you?”

He chuckled, “That’s impossible.”

“His mother’s family?”

“I honestly do not know her family. I do know she was estranged from them. They live somewhere in Scotland. Only one cousin showed up for her memorial service. What happened to Maggie?”

“Isn’t that obvious? I wouldn’t have brought him over here if she wanted to keep him.” I was becoming agitated and rose from the table and paced about. “Michael didn’t make any provision for his care. I think he assumed Maggie would take care of him. She told me that he knew what she was going to do but I’m beginning to wonder about that. I think it’s absolutely deplorable that you…that nobody cares anything about him.”

“It’s not that I don’t care. He is my nephew and if no one comes forward then I’ll make some kind of provision for him. I’m sure there are schools where he can be boarded.”

“That’s awfully cold and heartless.”

“What do you want from me?”

“Nothing, not even a cup of tea.” I left him in the kitchen and went back to the living room. “Morgan, help me drag these bags to the sidewalk.”

“Where are we going?”

“I don’t know yet.”

He appeared in the hall. “Look, I’m sorry.”

“So am I!” I threw back at him and opened the door.

“How can I get in touch with you?”

“I’m here right now if you’ve got something to say.” I turned on him. “Otherwise I don’t think you need to get in touch with me.”

“Morgan, I’m sorry. This is something I didn’t see coming.” I heard him say to the boy.

“S’alright,” Morgan answered.

I had one bag on the walk and went back for the other. He stayed my hand and took it down the steps for me. “Where are you going now?”

“I don’t know.” Damn, I felt my eyes filling up. “A hotel somewhere.”

“I’m very sorry, Miss Henderson. I’m not prepared to…not in a position to..."

“You don’t have to do anything. How do I get a cab around here?” I turned and looked up at him and felt a tear streaking down my face. I believe at that moment he felt as bad as I thought he was. “And you can stop saying you’re sorry. I already know that.”

He went back up the steps and inside. Morgan sat down on one of his bags and I leaned against the iron railing. This was so absurd. How could people…him, be so unfeeling, so cold, so...? A cab made its way around the corner and pulled up. Mr. Landers came back out and leaned in the window talking to the driver.  Our bags were put into the trunk of the cab and I opened the door to let Morgan in.

Mr. Landers came up to me again with his hands stuffed in the pockets of his jeans. “The cab will take you to the Durley. I’ve booked you in.”

“How kind of you.” I sat down in the cab ready to throw some more sarcasm in his direction but he closed the door.

He was nothing like Michael. Nothing at all. I wanted to get off by myself and have a good cry. But before that could happen I had a piece of my mind to send to my sister. It would have to wait until we checked in to the hotel.

I pulled out my ID and my credit card and was told the rooms were paid for. We had a suite with two bedrooms and a lounge area. We moved in.

Maggie claimed she didn’t know about Mrs. Landers's infirmity. Nothing was said when she talked to her. About Colin Landers, she hedged and so I knew she hadn’t talked to him at all. “He’s been out of the country or so he said. He didn’t know we were coming.”

“What did you think of Colin?” she asked me.

“I thought he was a class one asshole.”

She laughed.

“It’s not funny, Maggie. None of this is funny.”

“Why not go out and see Mrs. Landers and find out how disabled she is?”

“I intend to do that tomorrow if it’s convenient for her.”

Mrs. Landers apologized and claimed she got the dates mixed up. Of course someone should have been there to meet us and to drive us out to the house. A car would be at the hotel by ten in the morning to pick us up.

I felt a little better having talked to her. I took a shower and suggested Morgan do the same. It was a nice suite with comfortable furniture, nothing like the cookie cutter hotels I’d stayed in. This was my first trip to England and it had not occurred to me that I couldn’t plug my flat iron into a socket and straighten my hair. I looked in the bathroom mirror and watched it springing this way and that. I dared not use the hair dryer hanging on the wall because that would only make matters worse. Towel dried and lightly oiled down with bath oil, I left it alone.

Morgan and I were still on east coast time and on the east coast it was well past dinner. I asked at the desk where we might get a meal and was directed to a tea room. We had soup, little sandwiches, and a pretty dessert apiece. The afternoon was spent doing a little sightseeing. I had little knowledge of Morgan’s life before he came to America.

“Did you live in London with your mother?”

“For awhile.”

“Where did you live?”

“A different neighborhood. Not around here. I don’t remember the name.”

“That’s okay. What about your grandmother?”

“At weekends I would go there.”

“Did you like going there with your grandmother?”

“Um hm, she’s nice.”

“Was she in a wheelchair when you went there?”

“No.” He looked up at me with concern in his eyes.

“I don’t know what’s happened to her but your uncle said she was disabled. I guess we’ll see tomorrow.”

We walked in silence for awhile and then he said, “Aunt Carol, I’m glad you came with me.”

I hugged his narrow shoulders and dropped a kiss on the top of his head. “Me, too.”

I didn’t like to think of him standing alone at the airport with no one to meet him. Dates mixed up and an uncle who didn’t know he was coming. That would have been the picture if I hadn’t come. Maggie’s words came back at me. Morgan wasn’t Lance. Lance would be eleven now. I suppose it sounds strange that I would miss him more than his father. I was hurt. He hurt me, not physically but mentally.  To put it simply, he found someone else he liked better. Someone younger and prettier. My dreams of happy home and child were cruelly shattered.

Morgan wasn’t Lance and I had to be careful not to fall for him. His grandmother would take him tomorrow and I’d be on a plane in two days for America. I was merely an escort and nothing more. I remember a few lines from a letter my mother wrote me when I unloaded my grief and heartache to her. She told me what I needed was to get married and have a child of my own. That’s probably true, but the first thing required is the right husband and I haven’t found a man I’d want to commit myself to in that way. I mistakenly thought Lance’s father might be that man. What an eye opener that was. There hasn’t been anybody since him. Three years of celibacy.

We were waiting with only our backpacks when the car pulled up to take us to his grandmother’s house.

Chapter 3

It was a cold and misty morning and the heater in the car was going full blast. Our driver had little to say and I supposed it was because he was concentrating on driving. His gnarled white knuckled grip on the steering wheel gave evidence. The only thing I got out of him was that his name was Peters and he was a man o’work. He did, however, know Morgan and greeted him with a pat on his head before stowing our backpacks in the ‘boot’.

We passed through a town called Maidenhead and turned onto a narrow road lined with hedges. The house was a half-timbered, brick, pointy roof affair, and it rested back from the road surrounded by trees and flower beds in winter sleep. My sister has been here. Michael took her to England to meet his family during the first year of their marriage. I kept the postcard she sent me with a picture of the bridge over the River Thames in Maidenhead. It was on my fridge for a long time. I don’t know what happened to it.

“Hullo, hullo, hullo!  Oh, look at you, Morgan! Look how you’ve grown! You’re a right young man now. I’m Mim Peters and you’re to come right in.”

Through the vestibule, through double doors and into a tiled hall with stairs rising to the left towards a darkened second floor, we were quickly ushered through to the living room.

“There you are Morgan. Come and give Nannie a hug. Oh, how you’ve grown. Ah, he looks like Colin, doesn’t he, Mim?”

“He does, Ma’am, when he were a boy.”

“Nannie, why are you in a wheel chair?”

“I’ll tell you in a minute, love. Miss Henderson, I’m very pleased to meet you. I met your sister a few years ago when…Michael came home.”

“Mrs. Landers, I’m pleased to meet you, too.”  I noticed her left arm lay in her lap. Her legs were covered with a knitted blanket. She reminded me a little of Michael. She had his soft brown eyes. Her hair was graying brown and cut short in a no-nonsense way that suited her.

“I’ll see about the tea.” Mim patted Mrs. Landers' shoulder.

“What time is nurse coming?”

“Not for a couple of hours yet. You’ve plenty of time for a visit.” Mim closed the door behind her.

“I have a home nurse that comes around three times a week and makes me do horrible things with my arm and my legs.”

“Why do you have to do horrible things?” Morgan asked.

“Well, dear, one day about two years ago I was coming down the stairs and I got this funny feeling, kind of a tingling all up my leg. The next thing I knew I was lying at the bottom of the stairs. I’d had what’s called a stroke. A little blood clot decided to run itself up to my brain where it shouldn’t have been. It’s interfered with my walking and use of my left arm. See, it’s quite useless. So, the nurse comes and moves my useless bits around. Exercises she calls them. It’s not painful at all.”

“I’m sorry, Nannie. Why can’t they make the blood clot go away?”

“Oh, they tried giving me masses of drugs but it’s found a home there and won’t go away.”

I liked this woman. She has a genuine love and affection for Morgan. She and Morgan talked about his father a little. She was assessing me with a look now and then. I can’t imagine what sort of picture I made. Hair gone native and dressed in gray slacks and a dark green pullover I’d worn on the trip from California to North Carolina.

Listening to her talk with Morgan I got the impression she had been a very active woman. How awful it must be to be trapped in a body that no longer responded. She was showing Morgan how to drive her wheel chair. It was an electric one with right hand controls. He ran her into a chair and she laughed. Yes, it was all perfect between them but could she handle a ten year old on a daily basis? I had my doubts.

We had tea and then we had lunch and then Morgan out with with Mrs. Peters to fill the bird feeders and put out the bread crumbs. I had a chance to talk to Mrs. Landers.

“Mrs. Landers, I’m sure you must know why I’m here. My sister cannot or will not take responsibility for Morgan. I came over with him hoping to see him settled somewhere before I return to my own home. She said she’d talked with his uncle and with you about this. I found she had not talked to…Mr. Landers and I wonder if she talked to you about him.”

“She did call. It was right after my son passed away. She called to let me know that. I knew the phone call was coming. I’d been talking to him, you see. Two or three times a week he’d call me and we talked about a lot of things. He had hoped that Maggie would keep Morgan but he also was afraid that she wouldn’t.  He said he loved her but he knew she didn’t particularly like children. So, I said he could come here and stay. Colin travels a great deal with his business. As you can see, I’m not able to get out and about with him and that will fall on Mim and Peters. Neither one of them is getting any younger. I’m not saying we won’t do the best we can by him but you see how it is.”

“Will it be too much on you, Mrs. Landers?”

“To be honest, yes. Morgan is my only grandchild and I’ll not turn him away from my door. I’m sure he’ll be good for us here. Keep us from thinking we’re old folk.”

I had to smile. Except for her condition she didn’t strike me as ‘old folk’.

The door knocker knocked. “That’ll be nurse.” She navigated her chair to the front door. I listened to her chat with the nurse in the hall and they disappeared through a pocket door.

I didn’t know what the best thing to do was. Clearly, this is where I’d have to leave Morgan. I felt I should ask about schools, activities, etc. that one does with a child. Oh, but that wasn’t my concern.  Why did I get myself so wrapped up in this?

I heard a noise in the hall and thought the nurse had been quick but it was someone coming in. Colin Landers. “Hullo…Mum?”

“She’s with the nurse,” I answered. He came into view then, tan Burberry with the collar up that he was shedding like a second skin. Dark gray corduroys and another of those lovely sweaters that the English do so well. This one was heather gray.

“I didn’t know you were here.”

“Didn’t I tell you?”

“No, you didn’t tell me much of anything, except what you thought of me.”

I kept my tongue.

“I checked at the hotel and they said you’d gone out. You say the nurse is with Mum?”

“Yes, she’s just come a few minutes ago.”

“Where’s Morgan?”

“Outside with Mrs. Peters.”

He hung his coat up on a rack inside the door and came into the room. I was struck again by his good looks but I remembered what lay beneath them.

“Is Mum all right?”

“She appeared to be. I think this is a routine visit…exercises, I think she said.”

“Ah, well, it’s all right then. Have you come to leave Morgan with her?”

“I don’t have any choice, do I?

“Not really. It’ll be all right once he’s in school. He’ll come home for holidays.”

“Home for holidays? You’re still talking about boarding school, aren’t you?”

“It’s the way of it. Michael and I both went. It’s not so bad. It’ll be good for him to be with other boys his age. I went when I was eight.”

“You aren’t much of a recommendation for the practice.”

He laughed, a deep rolling laugh. “You don’t like me, do you? I know we got off on the wrong foot. I’d just come home the night before, and, ah, there was Christie. Christie interrupted.”

I felt my face heat up and I turned away and noticed the photographs on the mantel. “Sorry about that.”

“I don’t think you are.” He moved up behind me, close enough I caught the scent he wore. “That’s Michael. He was about twelve then.”

“Did he grow up in this house?”

“We both did.”

I dropped my head. It was easy to forget that he’d lost his only brother. “I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Truth is, I lost him years ago when he moved to America. I only saw him three times after that, when he came over to show off his new wife, at his old girl’s funeral, and when he came to take Morgan away.”

“Morgan was his son. He had a right to take him away.”

“Yeah, fancy discovering he had one after three years. Poor Morgan didn’t know who he was.”

“I don’t believe that. Michael loved his son.”

“Maybe he did. I don’t know.”

Why would he say such things about Michael?

“All I know is he walked out on him and his mother when Morgan was four years old. He didn’t see him again until he was seven.”

I didn’t know whether he was telling me the truth or not. I couldn’t see why he’d lie but then he might. Michael was a mystery to me before he married Maggie. I know he was living and working in Raleigh, NC because that’s where Maggie met him. The first I heard he had a son was when he brought him over from England. That was around the same time my world was falling apart. I’d gone home. Running home to mother.

Maggie and Michael came over for dinner and brought Morgan. He was seven years old and small for his age. Michael made a big show of him. I thought he was proud of him. Oh, how I envied them…Maggie with her perfect family. It didn’t help my situation at all and I cut short my visit and went back to San Francisco and ran my car into Maeve. I’m not so naïve now and I know her marriage wasn’t perfect…but still.

“He’s had a double dose of grief. I know my opinion weighs little here, but I think he needs a little cuddle, he needs to be loved.”

“Well, he’s like the rest of us then. We could use the same.”

“Ha, I believe you had yours yesterday.”

“If that’s what you’re thinking, you’d be wrong.”

I can’t say why I turned and looked at him at that moment. The arrogant lift of his chin was gone. The look he gave me was honest and open and it unnerved me. It unnerved me to look into the depths of his dark blue eyes. I only remained there for a second or so and I turned away. Danger, danger.

I heard voices in the hall and then Morgan came in. Good timing. Yes.

“Uncle Colin, you need to come and have a look in the garage. Come and see what we just found.”

“You can’t just tell me?”

“No.”

“Okay, Morgan, lead the way.” His broad back filled his sweater. I’d seen a lot of that back and front yesterday.

‘What did you think of Colin?’

I didn’t know. I shook myself…I didn’t want to know.

The nurse came out of the room across the hall and pulled the doors closed.

“Miss Henderson?”

“Yes?”

“Mrs. Landers wanted me to tell you that she has a little lie down after her exercises.  Was that her son, Colin, about?”

“Um, yes, he’s gone out to the garage with Morgan.”

“Would you tell him she’d like to see him when he comes in?”

“Yes, of course. Is…is Mrs. Landers…is she?”

“She’s as well as she’s going to be, I’m afraid. We try to keep the circulation going and to keep her muscles from contracting.”

I nodded, “Thank you.”

The nurse took herself off and I wandered around the living room. It was a room that was lived in and not for the occasional guest.  I could see where Mrs. Landers spent some time. A round table held books and a lamp, a box of tissues and a stack of photographs. Already her wheel chair had made tracks in the carpet next to the table. It was by a window where she could look out and see who was coming and going. A flat screen TV sat on a stand in the corner. Footstools and tables had been pushed against the walls so she could move around. The room across the hall was now her bedroom, I surmised. I would imagine it had been a dining room at one time.

“Miss Henderson? I thought you might like a coffee about this time of day.”

“That would be great, Mrs. Peters.”

“Would you like it in here or would you mind coming back to the kitchen?”

“I don’t mind the kitchen.”

I followed her down the hall. Doors to other rooms were closed, including the small room where we’d eaten lunch. In the back of the house was a long narrow kitchen. Black and white tiled floors and black and white tile above the sink counter but the walls were a creamy yellow like a stick of butter. On one wall was an old dresser with a collection of plates in the plate rails above it. A large fridge hummed  in the background and a yellow Aga filled a tiled nook. I stopped and looked at it.

“I’ve seen pictures of this but this is the first one I’ve seen in the flesh.”

“Oh, the Aga. Yes, there’s an art to cooking on it, make no mistake, but once you learn it you’ll never have anything else.”

I took a seat at a round table with a black and red patterned cloth. Coffee came over on a metal tray with cream and sugar and a plate of cookies she called biscuits.

“I always like a bit of something this time of day. Morgan’s found the kittens. Mr. Peters saw them yesterday and said how the boy would like to see so he left them there.”

“You have a cat here?”

“Not ours. It lives over at neighbor’s house but comes over here to drop her babies. Mrs. Landers had a little dog. You know he lived to be seventeen years old? Poor old thing died back in summer.”

“Mrs. Peters, will having Morgan here be a problem for the household?”

“Oh, no, no. Well, he’ll be at school and only here at his holidays. He won’t be a problem.”

“I just don’t understand this…this sending a child off to school.”

“Well, it’ll be good for him, won’t it? You see, Miss Henderson, they form friendships and it lasts throughout their lives. You can ask Colin about that. He’s got his own business and who do you think he called on to help him with it? Yes, was his old mates. He could trust ‘em , you see.”

“It’s different where I come from. Parents are all involved in their children’s school and work with their children.”

“Do you have children, Miss Henderson?”

“No…no, I don’t. I had a relationship with a man who had a son. I was with him for three years and became very attached to the boy.”

“That’s it, isn’t it? So much of that goes on anymore. The little ones don’t know who mum and dad is. They don’t marry anymore. Like you, they have relationships. Nothing permanent. Now I don’t mean to be saying anything about you.”

“I think you said it, Mrs. Peters. What you say is true.”

“Just like our poor Michael. He never as much as married the woman. We thought after Morgan was born that surely…but, no.”

“I…I thought he was divorced.”

“Hoh, he’d have to be married first. His mother did shed some tears over him, she did.”

“He married my sister. I was at the wedding.” Why had they led me to believe he was divorced?

“She was happy when that happened. Then Patty was killed in the accident and little Morgan came to us. She thought he’d be taking him back to America with him and was surprised when he didn’t. Got right down on him, she did.”

I stared at the little coffee grinders and cups in the table cloth. A different picture of Michael was unfolding. I’d set him up as…something he wasn’t.

Colin came in through the back door. I heard him stamping his feet before the door opened. He glanced at the table. “Having a coffee, are we?”

“Would you like a cup, Colin?”

“I would, yes.”

“Your mother wanted to see you when you came in.” He turned and looked at me, hair falling over one side of his face. Absently he brushed it back. He wore a pinky ring on his right hand.

“Morgan’s gone with Peters to take the kittens home. He’s already chosen one.” He arched a brow at Mrs. Peters.

“Ah, well, let the little lamb have it. Go and see to your mother.”

Mrs. Peters rose to grab another cup. “He’s a good lad, is Colin. He comes down here every week for a day or two when he’s in country. Takes his Mum out”

Now he’s a paragon.

“Mrs. Peters, I only brought some overnight things for Morgan because I didn’t know how things were. Is it all right if he stays here?”

“Well, of course it is. Mrs. Landers thought that’s why you’d come.”

It was why I’d come. Why hadn’t I brought all his things? What did I think was going to happen?

“I’ll get the rest of his things down here.”

“Colin can run them down. Oh, I’d better put the kettle on. We’ve had this pot.”

Chapter 4

Around 4:30 in the afternoon Colin said he’d give me a lift back to London and pick up Morgan’s luggage.

I’d brought overnight things, too, but I wasn’t asked to stay. I got my backpack out of Peter’s ‘boot’ and tossed it in the back seat of Colin’s car. He took Morgan’s inside. While I waited I wondered what his mother had talked to him about. He’d given me a few odd looks when he came back into the kitchen. I say odd. Maybe I was trying to put too much into it. More like long looks, thoughtful looks.

Unlike Peters, Colin relaxed behind the wheel. He had a CD in the player and turned the volume down a little.

“Where...?”

“What kind...?”

“You go first,” he looked over and smiled. He had a nice smile.

“I was going to ask what kind of business you had that took you out of the country?”

“A software company. I’m the appointed de-bugger. If a customer has a problem we can’t resolve over the phone and online then I’m on a plane and going to the site.”

“Where do you travel to?”

“Everywhere. I just got back from a week in Canada. Before that it was Berlin and before that…I can’t bloody well remember. My passport is filling up.”

“Sounds interesting.”

“I think it is. We’re on our third year now and have released two products. If all goes well this week, we should have our first American customer.”

“Really, who?”

“Macy’s.”

“I’m impressed.”

“Thank you."

"Your turn.”

“I was going to ask where you lived in America.”

“Sausalito, California.”

“I don’t know it.”

“It’s in the San Francisco Bay area, across the bridge from San Francisco.”

“Oh, right. Do you have a house there?”

“I rent an apartment. I have a roommate named Maeve. The rent is too high around there to live alone.”

“What do you do there?”

“Right now…I’m working for a real estate agency.”

“You‘re an agent?”

“No…I was studying to be one but…things changed and I changed jobs.” The big break-up again.

“I don’t mean to pry, just curious.”

“It’s okay.”

“I’ve been to LA.”

“Hasn’t everybody?”

“Do I need to be quiet?”

“No…no…I…I’m not a very interesting subject.”

He turned and looked at me but kept quiet. I don’t want to talk about myself. The silence was getting louder. He changed the CD.

“When is your flight home?”

“I’ve got two more nights. I leave on Thursday morning. You don’t have to pay for my hotel.”

“Not a problem for me. I just gave them my credit card number.”

“That’s nice of you. I mean it is nice.”

“You didn’t think that yesterday.”

“I owe you an apology.”

“No, you don’t. I probably owe you one. Let’s be even.”

“Okay, we’re even.”

That’s kind of how it went on the drive back to Notting Hill. I’d done a complete about face about Colin Landers. It bothered me because I didn’t want to like him. Don’t ask me why. It had been a day of revelations. I hardly knew Morgan and yet I had to fight back tears when I said good bye. Same with Mrs. Landers and even the chatty Mrs. Peters. I’d discovered things about Michael I didn’t know. All right, I’ll admit it. I was  half in love with Michael. He had that way about him. It wasn’t returned, but I went around for a few years with that on my conscience. When he found out he was sick…really sick, I was devastated. I cried for days. I even flew home to see him. He didn’t look any different or act any different  and so it was hard to accept the fact that he probably wouldn’t live out the year. He made it to October 18. I don’t think he or Maggie ever suspected. I know if Maggie had she would have confronted me with it.

And all that time there was Morgan in the house…knowing his father was dying. I can’t accept that Michael might not have loved his son.

Colin parked on the street a half a block from the hotel. He took my backpack and walked with me down to the entrance.

“Let’s go in here. I’ll buy you a drink.”

We went into the bar and found a table. “What do you drink?”

“Vodka and cranberry or orange if they don’t have it.” I got the orange. He had bourbon with a little splash of water.

He looked into his glass a moment. “I know you and I got off wrong yesterday. I…I don’t want you to go away with…I’m not the pillock I appear to be.” He made a cute face. “I don’t think that came out right.”

He made me smile. “You’re okay, Colin.”

“At least we’re on first name basis now, Carol.”

“You were only Mr. Landers when you were a…pillock.”

He grinned and took a drink from his glass. “I don’t want you to worry about Morgan. He’ll be all right, you know. He’s had a rough go. Putting him in school will be good for him. I’ll see to it this week. He’ll have to have uniforms and all the rest. He’ll be fine.”

“I’m sure he will be. You do care, don’t you?”

“Yes, I care. He’s my brother’s child. May I ask you why you care so much?”

“It’s rather complicated and some of it has nothing to do with him. I know what he’s been though and I felt...I felt sorry for him because nobody seemed to want him. I know now that’s not true. It’s a different life you live over here. It’s where he belongs.”

“Where do you belong?” he asked.

I don’t know where that came from. I looked away from him across the room at the way the glasses were lit up behind the bar. It was very artistic.

“I ask, and it’s none of my affair, because your family lives in North Carolina and you on the west coast with a roommate because you can’t afford to live there.”

The glasses cast amber shadows on the mirror. It must be the foil or maybe it’s paint on the shelves.

“Carol?”

“You see too much.” I took a good drink from my glass. Am I that transparent?

“Only because I’m looking, because I want to know.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m interested in you.”

“You don’t even know me.”

“I want to.”

”It’s a waste of time. I go home in two days.”

“How big do you think the world is?”

I’d resisted looking directly at him since that moment in his mother’s living room. I looked up now and there was that same open look. “I think it’s too big for me.”

“I think you’re afraid of it.”

“Maybe I have reason to be.”

“Not with me you don’t.”

Have you ever wanted to just fall into someone, give up the reins and let him take you? That’s the way I felt sitting across from him looking into his eyes.  I believed him.

But then, I never do anything right.

“I think you came for Morgan’s luggage.” I finished my drink. “It’s upstairs in his room. Do you mind waiting? I can have it sent down.”

“You can have it sent down. Carol, don’t be afraid of me. I don’t know who the bloke was that hurt you but it wasn’t me and would never be me.”

“You’re right about that.” I stood up and reached for my backpack. His hand closed over mine. “Don’t…Colin…don’t.”

He backed off and let me go. I almost ran to the elevator. Danger, danger.

I was shaking all over by the time I reached my room and could hardly open the door. Luggage…I had to get Morgan’s things together.

I sank down into the large tub of very warm water. Morgan was gone with his luggage. So was Colin Landers. I don’t know why I let him get to me the way he did. The attraction was strong and I pulled away just in time. It’s all just too complicated. I don’t want to think about him.

The next morning I tried to change my flight. There was no need for me to remain in London for two more days. There were no seats available. I tried different airlines and got a flight out to Chicago early the next morning. I pulled myself together and went downstairs. At the desk I had a message from Colin. He gave me his cell phone number and asked me to call him. I folded it and stuck it in my coat pocket. I had nothing to say to Colin.

After aimlessly wandering around for three hours I returned to the hotel to find Colin lounging in the entrance of the hotel. The man at the desk told me he’d been there for over an hour. I didn’t want to see him but it would appear he’s left me no choice.

“You didn’t think I was just going to disappear, did you?”

“I hoped you would. What…what did you want?”

“I wanted to spend the day with you. I went by my office this morning and couldn’t think so I took the afternoon off. I’m sorry if I…I always seem to put my foot in it with you.”

I relented a little. “It’s not you. Did you, um, get Morgan’s things to him?”

“Yes, I spent the night at Mum’s. He’s settled in and Mim is doing what Mum can’t. I’m supposed to be seeing to his school today.”

“Why aren’t you?”

“Do you think we could get out of the doorway?” He moved to let a couple pass.

I stepped outside and walked through a gate into a little courtyard I’d seen earlier. He followed and asked me to sit down on a stone bench with him. I remained standing.

“What is it with you? You’re perched like a bird ready to take flight. I don’t mean to do you any harm, Carol.”

I looked away from him. “I’m going home in the morning. I got a flight to Chicago with connections from there.”

“I thought you had two days. Why did you change it?”

“There was no need for me to stay around.”  I felt a raindrop and looked up. How quickly the weather could change here. “I’ve accomplished what I came to do.”

“You’ve accomplished more than that. What I said to you last night about wanting to know you…I mean that, Carol. You’ve brought me to a complete standstill."

“I’ve been in a standstill for a long time. I think I might just be learning to walk again. I don’t want to become involved with anyone right now.”

“I’m not asking for involvement. I just want a little time with you.”

Ha! Now I get it. “If that’s what you want maybe you should give Christie a call. You won’t have to worry about being interrupted again.”

He looked down at his feet. “That’s not what I’m talking about. Christie is an old friend. Her date didn’t show up and she caught me coming from the airport.”

“You don’t have to explain her to me.”

“I want to. She doesn’t love me any more than I love her. I’m not involved with anyone. I’ve been too busy trying to build up my company to give any thought to a permanent relationship. Your compassion for Morgan caught me, Carol. I had a chat with Mim about you. She told me about the little boy.”

“She had no right to tell you anything about me,” I snapped back.

“Right or wrong…that’s Mim. I understand a little better about you. Give me the day, Carol. That’s all I’m asking. We won’t talk about anything in the past. I’ve got a car…I’ll give you a tour, buy your dinner and deliver you back here to the hotel when you’re ready.”

A day, an afternoon with him. Tomorrow I’d be leaving. “Okay.”

He took a step closer to me and smiled that dazzling smile. “Thank you.”

You’re probably wondering what’s wrong with me. Here’s this perfectly desirable man wanting to spend time with me and I keep throwing up roadblocks. His brother was a figment of my imagination. Colin seems too good to be true and I’m not ready to put my heart back on the street. It’s impossible anyway. He lives here in London and I’m in California. I’m safe enough because tomorrow I’m leaving and I’ll never see him again and soon the Landers will pass out of my mind. I thought my sister Maggie was awful for wanting to take a cruise after Michael’s death. She knows how to put it behind her and that’s what I need to do and get on with my life.

I no longer want to be Maggie. I feel like I’ve moved out of her shadow at last. I did more than soak in the tub last night. I took a good look at myself. It was painful. So, I’ll go with Colin this afternoon. He promised not to bring up anything in the past. I’ll have a one day fling and then go home and seriously get back into life. I’ll renew my quest for a real estate license and once that’s accomplished. I’ll be able to afford living on my own.

Chapter 5

We didn’t take his car. We took the underground, popping up all over London. It was crazy fun like I haven’t had in a long time. We found a pub at each stop and had a pint. He was a good tour guide. He was good company. He made me laugh. He has a lot of spirit about him. A good spirit. We got caught in the rain at the Marble Arch and sought shelter beneath it.

Quite naturally his arm went around me. I leaned into him and he brought me around and kissed me. I kissed him back, wrapping my arms around his neck. His lips felt good, his tongue felt good and I gave myself over to him. It was okay. I’m leaving tomorrow.

The rain didn’t look like it was going to let up and we opted to make a run for the underground. We eventually came up again in Notting Hill.

“Come home with me.”

“Ummm.”

“You never had that cup of tea.”

I knew what he was asking. I wanted to and I told myself this was a one-off fling I was having with him. He was fun and I’d enjoyed my afternoon. I hadn’t had tea in ages, years. “It’s about time I did. You make me thirsty.”

I caught that change in his eyes before he grabbed my hand and we made a dash across the street, down a block and came up onto his street.  He fumbled around with the lock for a moment and we were inside. The light was dim and it was late in the afternoon. We peeled off our damp coats and he gave them a toss across the banister.

“Tea?”

I shook my wet hair. “You.”

When had I become so forward? I was totally out of myself now. It wasn’t me who was being half undressed in the foyer, black funeral skirt left in a puddle in the floor. I went up the stairs in my back tights and a blue sweater.

His hands felt good and his kisses sent me reeling. I was half beneath him and he was in no hurry. I craved it, craved him. I loved the clean smell of his wet hair, the feel of it across my breasts as he worked his way down to my belly. His tongue, his fingers inside of me…I pushed against him…I was coming all over him. His lips claimed mine and I tasted my sex. He entered me and I wrapped my legs around him, bringing him deeper inside me. Yes, yes…oh…yes! I wanted it to go on forever, that moment, the feel of him, the weight of his body on mine. He brought me shuddering to a climax, time and time again.

It was magic…a little magic on a rainy evening. I needed that magic. I felt soft and molded against him. Gone were all my angles and sharp edges. We lay together in a post coital fug for a long time. The room was now dark and only a street light on the corner sent any light at all into the room. It was also growing cold. He pulled the comforter up from the floor and covered me with it.

“I haven’t turned the heat on since I got back.” He was gone for a moment…the warmth of his body gone. A light came on in the stairwell and then he was back, cold and snuggling up to me under the comforter.

Somewhere in the recesses of my mind I realized he had not used any protection and I was totally unprotected. I’d taken a chance…stupid, I know. I had not renewed my prescription for birth control pills after Danny left me. But I didn’t think of Danny when wrapped in Colin’s arms. I didn’t think of anything except how good it felt.  The recesses were closed when I was with Colin. Instead I allowed myself little fantasies. It was all okay, it was all good, because tomorrow I was leaving. A one night thing. I went into it knowing that.

He might have thought I was asleep, I was so still. Quietly he got out of bed and pulled on a pair of athletic pants and a sweatshirt and padded barefoot out of the bedroom. I could smell cigarette smoke. I didn’t mind it. It was a part of him. I lay there for a while with no idea of the time. I had to be at the airport by eight the next morning. He promised me dinner and I was hungry. I pulled on my sweater and tights, hunted for my skirt before remembering where it was. I found it on the banister when I tiptoed down and slipped it on. He was leaning against the counter with a cup when I discovered him in the kitchen. There was something different about him and he wouldn’t meet my eyes.

“How about that cuppa now?”

“I’m ready.”

“What time is your flight?”

“I have to be there by eight.”

“Which airport?”

“Heathrow.”

“Would you let me take you?”

“I checked and I can take the train in.”

“Is that a no?”

“It’s a no. It’s better, I think.”

“For whom?”

“For both of us.”

Ignoring the kettle, he came over to me and put his hands in my wild hair. “You can’t use me and throw me away.”

“I didn’t use you.”

“You think you can just walk out of here? Do you actually think I don’t want to see you again?”

“It’s impossible, Colin. That’s why I…it was a perfect end to a perfect day. Why can’t we leave it at that?”

“Because it’s not an end. It’s a beginning.”

I closed my eyes and he took that opportunity to kiss me, softly.

“The kettle’s cut off.”

“Bugger the kettle.  Are you going to tell me that what happened upstairs held no meaning for you?”

What could I say? I could lie and say no. “I can’t say that, Colin, but we both know what it was. It was a onetime thing. I’m going home tomorrow, thousands of miles away. I have a life there that I need to…to get back to it. You don’t have permanent relationships, you’re too busy.”

“Who told you that?”

“You did.”

He dropped his hands from my hair and made me a cup of tea. We were back to not looking at each other. I sipped my tea without sugar or milk because it wasn’t offered and we weren’t speaking.

Finally he put his cup down and went upstairs. When he came back in about five minutes he had on a pair of jeans with his sweatshirt and shoes.

“I’ll call a taxi to take us to the hotel so I can get my car.”

“Colin?”

He was in the hall with his cell phone, not talking to me.

At the hotel he got out of the cab and paid the driver and walked to his car. I stood on the sidewalk until he started the motor and then went inside and up to my room. I had a bath and put on my pajamas and had a good cry. I’m not mentally equipped for one night stands. What the hell was I thinking?

Early the next morning I went over the suite to make sure I’d left nothing behind. I found a sock and part of one of Morgan’s games in his room. I stuffed it in my carryon. I hoped he was all right. I’d promised myself I wouldn’t call to find out. He was a Landers and I was leaving the Landers behind.

I sat on the plane waiting for takeoff and all I could see was Morgan’s big blue eyes and they morphed into Colin’s. He did look like his uncle. I shook my head to clear it but the images were hung up on something and wouldn’t  completely go away. The plane was moving faster and faster. I was leaving England, lifting into the sky. Higher and higher we were climbing through the clouds. I lay my hand on the window. “Good bye.”

O’Hare was chaos. There’d been a big storm and the runways were only just allowing flights in and out. People were elbow to elbow as I tried to get to my gate only to find I’d been bumped from my flight.

I called Maeve and told her not to bother coming to the airport. I’d call when I got there.

“I thought you weren’t coming back until tomorrow?”

“Change of plans. I’ll tell you when and if I ever get there.”

I called my mother and told her I was back in the USA and that I’d delivered Morgan to his grandmother. I had to cut the conversation short to save my phone batteries. Maggie was in Miami and boarding her ship. Good for Maggie.

While I waited for the next flight, caught betwixt and between and unable to move, I thought about Colin. I thought about him a lot.  Had I used him? Could I be that cold hearted? No…no, I satisfied myself on that. I’d given up myself to him completely.  While I lay in bed with him and indulged myself in fantasies, I’d loved him. For a few hours, I loved him. It came so easily to me. I gazed down at my phone and looked up my pictures. There was one he’d taken of us under the Marble Arch. It was a little fuzzy because I’d tried to get the phone away from him. I turned off the phone. I didn’t need to look at his picture. His image was still fresh in my mind.

I made my way through the throngs to a little eatery. A tiny table pushed in the corner with only room underneath the table for my carryon. I ordered a cup of tea. I’m not normally a tea drinker, I prefer coffee…just now, I wanted tea.

By the time I arrived in San Francisco, I’d missed a night’s sleep. My body was still on English time and I was now 8 hours ahead of the city I’d just landed in. I was a walking zombie, unable to think and barely able to move. I got myself out of the way of the landing party and called Maeve.

“I’m here. Come and get me.”

“Goodness, you’re late.”

“You have no idea how late I am, Hurry fast.”

Much to Maeve’s dismay, I went home and crashed for twelve hours. She was at work when I surfaced the next day.  We each had our own private spaces in our bedrooms and bathrooms, but we shared the common areas of the living room and kitchen. It’s a tiny place, really, just under 1000 square feet and a lot of that taken up with storage closets. Mine holds Christmas decorations. I don’t bother pulling them out. This would be my third Christmas without Lance to help celebrate it. I used to send a gift to Danny’s mother for Lance but whether he got them or not, I will never know. Why am I on about Christmas in October? Because, my mother wants me to come home for Thanksgiving and I can’t. I don’t have the plane fare after the overseas trip. I dread the flaming credit card bill’s arrival.

I’m not sure I’ll make it for Christmas either. Crispin will have a baby by Christmas. It makes all the difference, it really does.

At dinner I had to tell Maeve about my trip to England. Somehow I managed to gloss over Colin, I don’t think I even mentioned his name. He was ‘the uncle’. He’s something I want to keep inside of me. I don’t want to share that experience.

She caught me up with all the office gossip.

“I’m going to go back and get my real estate license. I shouldn’t have let it drop.”

“You weren’t in a good place then, Carol. I’m glad you’re going to do that.”

“Why don’t you study with me?”

“Nah, I don’t have any ambition in that direction. It’s just a job for me. There is something I wanted to talk to you about. You remember Dallas Robertson?”

“Um, not off hand.”

“Well, she’s married now but she had the neatest thing going. She was a house sitter. You know how they stage a house for selling? Well, because of insurance and all that they need an occupant. So she lived in the show houses for free. All she had to do was keep up appearances and she lived in some really nice places. That’s how she met her husband. He didn’t buy the house she was living in but he looked at it when she was there.”

“And…so?”

“I have an opportunity to do that same thing.”

“You’re going to move out?”

“I know it’s rotten of me after all you’ve done for me, getting me the job and a place to live.”

Yes…it was, I thought. “What about the car, Maeve?”

“Oh, I hadn’t thought about that. Maybe you could lease one or something.”

“Maybe you could since you’re going to be living rent free and mine’s doubling.”

“Well, it was mostly my insurance company’s money that bought it.”

“That’s not true. We split it, mine and yours. You can’t have the car. Maybe you can find somebody that needs a car sitter.” I stormed out and went to my room. That’s all I needed right now. I’m barely hanging on by a thread here as it was.

It didn’t take her long to move out. She was gone by Monday but I had the car.  I took her down to Rent A Wreck and she found a nice used car to lease. She left her bedroom furniture behind. I may sell it to help with next month’s rent.

While she was packing up on Sunday, I took myself up along the coast and on a high bluff that looked out over a foggy ocean I sat and cried while I ate my salami and sourdough sandwich. I’d been gone for not even a whole week and everything was going wrong. I had such positive thoughts before I got home. Now I just wanted to hide from the world.

I didn’t hide after all. I went back to work on Monday. I slogged through the rest of October and part of November. My mother was still after me about Thanksgiving. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her I couldn’t afford to go home. Mothers know things. She sent me the airfare. As it turned out I didn’t go. I got sick. I was so sick I couldn’t stand without throwing up. I called her and told her I was sick with a stomach virus. I couldn’t go to work, I couldn’t do much of anything. Chicken noodle soup and saltine crackers with sips of ginger ale served for my Thanksgiving meal.

I was ten days into my virus when my boss came by to check on me. She took me straight to the emergency room. By then I was bordering on death. You’ve probably guessed by now. I did not have a virus at all. I was pregnant and my boss knew. I shouldn’t have been shocked but I was. One time in three years I dropped my panties and I got pregnant.

With a prescription for nausea pills and a bag of fluid in my veins,  I came home. My boss was very sympathetic but I was embarrassed.  Twenty-seven years old…I should know better. HE should have known better. She didn’t ask me who the father was and I’m glad because I wanted to take him out and think about him. I had to wait until she left.

She’d brought my mail in and in the pile was a Christmas card from Mrs. Landers wishing me a Happy Christmas. She’d written a little note inside letting me know that Morgan was doing well in school and that I should be getting a card from him as she’d bought some for him to send out. She sent her love and that of Mim and Peters. She asked me to write.

Write? What could I write this dear woman? Happy Christmas to you, too, and ,oh, by the way…

I was an emotional wreck. Three weeks I’d wallowed in my bed. I’d used up all my sick leave, all my vacation and I had to go back to work.  Crispin and Molly had a baby girl named Reagan. My  mother sent me pictures.  She was making plans for Christmas. Maggie had talked about going away but she’d convinced her she needed to be there as it was her first without Michael. Oh, and when would I be flying in? She knew I had the plane fare because she’d sent it for Thanksgiving. Oh, Mother, I had to use part of it to pay my rent for December. So sorry, I’m pregnant. There was no question of me going home. She’d take one look at me and know. That’s what she did with Molly.

It wasn’t a secret I could keep forever but for awhile…until I could come to terms with it, I had to keep it quiet.  I bought a card and sent it to Mrs. Landers. ’So good to hear from you and to hear Morgan is getting on well in his school. Here’s wishing you and yours a very Merry Christmas’.

Chapter 6

I was back on my feet and back at work although still a little woozy and the pills made me want to sleep. I had to be careful not to nod off in front of my computer. I’d go home change into my slug clothes and fall asleep on the couch until around eleven and then get up, get a drink, and go to bed. I sent my family Christmas cards and a note to my mother that I would not be coming home, no reason, nothing. Then I turned my phone off.

I did get a card from Morgan and, bless him, he thanked me again for taking him home.  Mim had baked him a Christmas cake. He hoped I had a Happy Christmas. I wallowed in my bed some more.

It was on December 21^st about eight o’clock. I remember it distinctly. I’d been asleep on the couch in my leggings and an old comfortable Tee shirt. I had a quilt wrapped around me when I went to the door. I kept the heat down so low it was always cold in the apartment.

“Hullo, Carol.”

I think I made some sound in my throat before I fainted.

That vision of him in his raincoat, collar turned up, hair falling carelessly over his forehead, will forever be in my memory banks. Have I said how drop dead gorgeous he is?

I came to on the couch in his arms. He’d gotten me a glass of water and I was wrapped up tight in the quilt.

“Should I call a doctor? Are you ill?”

“No, no.” I struggled to sit up. “Colin, whatever are you doing here?”

“I…I had to come. I was at Mum’s the day your card arrived. She never told me she had your address. I stole the envelope, booked a flight and…I’m here. I had to come…I have to know if it was really a one night thing. I can’t forget it.”

“It was meant to be a one nighter.”

“You can’t forget it either then.”

“Ah, no, I’m not likely to forget it.”

“I tried to. I was angry when you turned me off. I’m sorry whatever it is that I did wrong.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong. It was me. I was trying to be someone else, I think. I don’t do one nighters. I wasn’t very nice to you.”

“I didn’t come all this way because I thought you weren’t nice to me. I came because I can’t get you out of my mind. I had to know and I wanted to look you in the eyes when you told me to get lost.”

“Get lost?” I smiled a little. “Are you serious, Colin?”

“Yes, I’m serious. I think…I think, because it’s never happened to me before, I think I’m in love with you, Carol. Something just clicked with you.”

“Love…is that what it is? I…I can’t believe you’re here.”

He smiled and looked up. “I am here and you haven’t  said the right words yet.”

“I’m not sure I know the question. I’m not going to tell you to get lost.”

“Good answer, keep going.”

“Love?”

“More.”

I grinned, “Love you.”

He kissed me and I was the one that was lost. But then I regained myself. There was something I had to tell him. I thought I’d better get to it before I was so lost I couldn’t get back. I thought he might very well walk out of the door and I was afraid.

“What are we going to do, Colin?”

“This is probably presumptuous of me, but it’s not as though I haven’t thought about it for two months. I want…I’d like…I’d like to get married.”

“You want to marry me?” I felt my eyes stinging.

“Answer?”

“Yes, but there’s something you need to know first.” I took his hand and placed it on my belly. “We’ve made a baby.”

He blinked and the most incredulous look came onto his face. “Really? We’re pregnant?”

I liked that ‘we’. “We are…pregnant. I’m glad you asked me to marry you before I told you.”

“Ah, Carol.” He hugged me close and kissed me softly several times. “I love it. I love it and I love you.”

So, my world was put right in a matter of minutes. I never thought this would happen. I fully never expected to see him again. I was all right about being pregnant because I wanted the baby. Never did I dream I’d have its father.

There was much for us to work out and plan. He wanted to be home for Christmas and he wanted to take me with him. There was my own mother to think about, too.

“We can fly to Raleigh and then onto London. A quick stop.”

The realization of what was happening to me sunk in slowly. I called my boss and quit my job. She wasn’t happy considering all the exceptions she’d made for me but when I told her I was getting married and moving then all was well. I called Maeve. We were no longer best friends but I told her if she needed the furniture from my apartment she could have it, should her house sitting fall through and I’d leave the car for her. That changed her tune. I packed up everything in plastic bins and called a charity to come and pick it up. Colin carried the bins to the curb for me. I had to buy a piece of luggage to finish my packing.

I called my mother and told her when I would be arriving and that I had a surprise for her. Crispin picked us up at the airport. He walked up to us and looked warily at Colin. I made the introductions and told him we were to be married. I didn’t mention the baby but I said I wanted to see his.

My family gathered at Mom’s to see what kind of surprise I had. Molly with the new baby girl, Mom, Crispin and Maggie. Out of all of them, Maggie was the one with the unsmiling face. I was very gracious to her. In all honesty, I think she’d gotten over Michael’s death. It was seeing me with Colin and how happy we were together. You see, I’m not supposed to be the one on top. I’m not supposed to be the center of attention. I’m the shadow, the moon to her sun, the one that went around with the remains of her heart on her sleeve, never quite getting there while she had it all.

That’s why I moved to the other side of the continent. When she married Michael that was it for me. I couldn’t compete with that and I left home.  It was all different now but I wouldn’t be around for her to worry about.  She’d find her sun again.

It was later after the family dinner and Crispin and Molly had gone that my mother cornered me in the kitchen.

“How far along are you?”

“Two months. It’s Colin’s. I want you to know something. He asked me to marry him before I told him about the baby. We couldn’t be happier, Mom.”

“I’m happy for you, Carol. I like your Colin. He’s different from Michael. Now don’t get me wrong, I thought he was a fine man.”

“He was perfect for Maggie. I hope she finds someone again and soon.”

“I don’t like the idea of you living so far away.”

“No farther than I was when I was in California. I’m excited about it.”

“I can tell,” she chuckled. “I don’t know when you’ve been lovelier, Carol.”  She hugged me close and we cried a little.

To Colin she said, “I hate that you’re taking her away before Christmas.”

“I’m sorry about that, Ms. Henderson, but you see, my mother is disabled and I feel every holiday must be special for her.  It’s especially hard for her this year because of Michael’s death. She has no idea I’m over here but I know she will be pleased when I come home with Carol. She liked her very much and she told me that I should pay attention to Carol.”

“She did? When did she tell you that?” I asked.

“They day you brought Morgan. I was ahead of her, though. I was already paying attention.” He pulled me into the crook of his arm. “I don’t think you cared for me, though.”

“It was an awkward meeting we had.” I still wanted to pinch myself and make sure this wasn’t all a dream.

We flew to London on Christmas Eve, arriving around ten in the morning. We went straight to his mother’s house. Morgan was the first one we saw out in the front of the house.

“Aunt Carol, you came back!” He was wearing a wide smile. I had to hug him.

“She came back and she’s not leaving again.” Colin mussed his hair and we went inside. His mother was in her chair and had come out into the hall.

“Colin, where have you...oh, Carol!”

“Hello, Mrs. Landers.” I went down on a knee by her chair and took her right hand in mine. “Colin came and got me. I hope it's okay.”

She looked up at her son. “Colin, did you finally come to your senses?”

“I did, Mum. I’ve asked Carol to be my wife and she’s accepted.”

“Oh, how wonderful!” She squeezed my hand. “You know, I’ve always wanted a daughter. I thought when our Michael married…but that’s all behind us now. I’m so very happy for you both.”

“There’s something else, Mum. Carol and I are having a baby.”

“Colin! But you’re getting married. I am pleased. I can’t think of a better gift you two have given me this Christmas.”

Mim sprouted tears at our news and Peters harrumphed and nodded. This was to be my new family and I couldn’t have asked for better.

I had Christmas with my new family, lots of presents all around and Colin had provided most of them. Morgan was a happy little boy. The change in him was very evident. He smiled and laughed and kidded around with Colin. That pale haunted look was gone from him. He was thriving. I should never have worried so about sending him away to school.

We came home to Notting Hill on Boxing Day. The house was cold and I kept my coat on. Colin turned on the gas fireplace in the living room and the central heat in the rest of the place. While he was bringing in all our luggage I went over to the still-petrified plant and picked it up.

“Colin, where’s your trash can?”

“The bin?”

I had a whole new language to learn. “This plant is not going to get any deader, you know.”

“Toss it out in the back garden.”

Back garden. As wide as the house and not very deep at all. I walked out there and set the plant down. It had possibilities. In the spring I’d wait and see what bloomed, if anything. There was a tree, leafless in winter, and I didn’t know what it was.  The thought of having a place to plant flowers, a place that belonged to us and it would be us by then. We were going to get married January 5.

“I’ve got the heat going full on and you’re standing out in the cold. Come in, Carol, and get warm.”

But I was warm…inside.