That, For Me, is You
by Marilyn
Chapter 7
On the way home after the party, and "Good Night Saigon" by Billy Joel came on the radio. I had to pull over to the side of the road before the song was over. I finally had Robert, or did I? Struggling to bring my sobbing under control I searched my purse for a tissue. He was only home on Christmas leave then he would be going back to Fort Benning, Georgia. It hit me in that moment that the Army could send him anywhere in the world and I'd never know where he was and if he was alright.
The next day I had to work. The weather was particularly cold and it had been snowing all morning. Late afternoon I was busy shelf reading when I heard my name...."Renee".
Looking up I found Robert in full uniform, looking colder than I had ever seen anyone. He had walked the 3 miles from his mother's house to the library to see me. He had sold his car before he left for the Army so he had no choice but to walk. He was due at a friend's house later and they were going to an event where he was required to wear his uniform. I was aware that the director and the librarian on duty were watching us as we stood in the stacks. I asked them if I might take my break early. They were more than agreeable even offering to let Robert and I use the employee break room. He only stayed a few minutes more leaving me with a promise he would call the next day and a kiss on the cheek.
Around 10:00 AM an apologetic Robert called. He felt under the weather. He assured me it wasn't anything to worry about but he wouldn't be able to come to my house to pick me up for "our date". "Are you up for having a visitor?" I asked.
20 minutes later I arrived at Robert's in my grandparent’s car (thank goodness they lived next door and trusted me). His brother answered the door. Robert was lying on the couch under a blanket. I sat beside him and we held hands while watching television. I have no idea what show was on, I was only aware I was with him and even though he was sick and still just as quiet as ever it was better than all the time I had spent with Drew up until then. When Robert fell asleep around 5:00 PM I tucked the blanket around him and left. That night I knew I was finally in possession of a name for part of what was between us. We enjoyed a "comfortable silence".
Christmas Eve and Christmas was spent with my family and Drew. He arrived at the house after dinner on Christmas and stayed a few hours, long enough to exchange gifts and watch a movie. He wasn’t upset about Robert he only expressed that he didn’t want to me to “throw away” what we had. So if I wanted to spend time with Robert that was fine. I think he only took that stance because he knew that the threat to his position as my boyfriend would be leaving in a few days.
Robert and I spent the morning together just driving around in his Mother’s car on the last day. The gifts we had exchanged earlier that day were on the car seat between us. Remembering a request he made the night of the party; I purchased a small gold frame and put my senior portrait in it. He laughed when he opened it, commenting that everyone gave him items that were considered portable. He smiled as he handed me an envelope containing a picture of himself with a note on the back.
Two hours later we pulled into the driveway of my parents’ house. A gentle snow had begun to fall seemed to make the landscape sparkle. Glancing at the house I saw my sisters at the window watching. We sat there in silence watching the snow fall for a few minutes before he placed a piece of paper in my hand. “My address at Benning” he whispered. I picked up the envelope containing his picture and slid the paper inside. He must have taken this as a cue that I wanted to go inside because he opened his door and before I could protest he had come around and opened mine. All that was left was to tell him goodbye.
The last few moments I spent with Robert were in an embrace. So much went through my mind… so many what ifs, so much yearning. I longed for more time mostly but for more courage too. Courage to do the thing I wanted to do with my entire being, to kiss Robert. To kiss him and make it so he could never leave me, never forget me, to kiss him and make him mine forever to hold him and to never let go.
He kissed my forehead and I knew I had only to tip my head back slightly and it would happen… we would kiss. Instead I laid my head on his shoulder as I gave into silent tears. Hugging him tighter I stood on my tip toes for a moment so I could kiss his cheek. I then whispered that he had to go. I stood there and watched him drive out of my life again. This time with a promise to write each other. I still had to deal with Drew.