“May, I’m glad I caught you. I forgot to say the key is under the blue flower pot by the door. Yes, the blue one. I’ll be back in three days, back on Thursday. Are you? Enjoy yourself and I really appreciate it. Their food is on the counter in the kitchen along with Cully’s leash.

“Thanks, May, I owe you one.”

Lydia took one last look around, glanced at her sleeping dog and picked up her car keys. Her rolling suitcase was at the door and she locked it behind her.

A cool misty morning in fall. Maple leaves had stuck to her windshield and she brushed them off before pulling out of her drive. She’d topped off her gas tank the day before in preparation for her trip into Boston. It was only a 45 minute drive but a world away. It was a familiar drive and one she made every two weeks to the publishing company her husband, Frank, had partly owned. Frank passed away 18 months ago after a brief but terrifying bout with cancer.

Lydia still worked there as a reader, carrying manuscripts to and from her home on Nantucket Island. However, today she was not going to the office. Today she was going to the Boston Wharf Hotel where she would be manning, or womaning, a booth at a young reader’s conference. Rather than fighting the traffic to and from she took the company offered hotel room.

While she was sitting in traffic her cell began to ring and she dug in her purse to find it before the light turned green.

“Mama, have you heard from Dad?”

“Melody, how are you dear?”

“I’m fine is everything okay?”

“Yes, why do you ask?”

“I’ve been trying to call dad all morning and with the time difference it’s really difficult. Would you mind trying and ask him to call me? It’s about the flat; you know the one I talked to you about? It’s come on the market and I really need to talk to him.”

Lydia was trying to make a turn and take in her daughters rapid fire talk. “I’ve not seen or heard from your father since Frank’s funeral. We don’t usually communicate unless something drastic happens.”

“Well that’s just it; something drastic must have happened for him not to answer his phone. Would you keep trying, Mom?”

“I’ll give it a try, Melody, how’s Danny?”

“Danny’s doing great. I really like him you know?”

“Could you hold on just a minute?”

“Mom, do you know how much this call is costing me?”

Lydia lay the phone down and made the turn watching the traffic both ways and behind her. When she picked up the phone and Melody had hung up. She sighed and lay it back down. Did she really want to call Jeremy?”

He turned up at Frank’s funeral with a…well she was probably younger than Melody. She’d been glad he’d come until she saw his little girlfriend. It was neither the time nor the place and he should have known better. She and Jeremy were divorced fifteen years ago after an eight year marriage. They have one daughter, Melody, who just turned 21. Melody was at Oxford. One thing she could not fault Jeremy for, he’d supported Melody 100%. It was a good thing because she couldn’t have done it on her own.

She wasn’t sure she still had his phone number or if it was even current. Trying to drive and look through her contacts she touched his name. The phone rang and rang and she cut it off. That was it, she’d tried.

Jeremy Roberson stepped from the shower in his hotel room and reached for a towel. He walked into the bedroom and picked up his phone as if miraculously it would light up for him. Aggravated he tossed it on the bed. He picked up the hotel phone and called the room number for one of his staff.

“I need a phone.”

“Sorry?”

“My god-damned phone is not working. I’ve had it a month. What kind of shit is this?”

“Sorry, Mr. Roberson, I’ll get right on it. We brought a case of the new phones with us, shouldn’t be a problem.”

“It is a problem when the president of Horizon Communications can’t use his own phone. Fix it.” He hung up and began dressing.

It was garbage and he knew it. They were all throwaway phones. He was trying to sell his own brand and garbage service. He’d flown in from Philadelphia late in the evening and had dinner with a client before checking into the hotel.

He really hated trade shows and wouldn’t be doing it at all if Sprint wasn’t on the roster. His main competitor was making a big push right now and so was he, with a phone that lay dead on his unmade bed while he tied his tie.

Timothy Ramsey knocked on his door with the top three phones their company offered.

“I brought three so you could choose.”

Jeremy glared at him, “The one that works.”

Timothy left with Jeremy’s phone and hoped the booth had the internet hooked up.

He felt naked without a phone and kept patting the pockets in his jacket before he left his room. He felt like he was forgetting something important. He took the elevator down to the lobby and hunted up the dining room for breakfast.

Lydia drove into Boston in her eight year old Volvo wagon. She’d been contemplating buying a new car but the prices were so high she’d kept her wagon. It was all right for what she needed it for. Not that she was hurting financially, but she was naturally careful with money. The bulk of Frank’s money went to his children; a son Frank, Jr. who lived in Canada and a daughter Sharon who lived in Los Angeles with her husband. She got the house on Nantucket and a sum of money that he invested for her before he died. Frank had been ten years her senior and they were married for ten years.

She checked in and pulled her bag to the elevator. Her room was on the 8^th floor.

Jeremy’s trade show was on the 3^rd floor and he walked around the room checking out the booths that were being set up, and speaking to people he knew in the business. He finally reached his own and it was looking pretty good. So was Lisa Morgan. He’d been down the Morgan trail and back and now they were as near friends as they could be considering he was her boss. They had an affair behind them.

Timothy was trying to bring up Jeremy’s account so he could transfer the information to his phone.

“Having a problem?” Jeremy asked leaning over his shoulder.

“It’s just slow, Mr. Roberson.”

“I’ll tell you what, it had better not be slow if a customer comes by here and you have to show him how easy it is to transfer information from one fucking phone to another. It had better not be slow when you have to pull up rates and service packages.”

“No, Sir, it appears to be slow for everybody.”

“Not for us.”

Lydia took the elevator down to the third floor and found the ballroom where the conference was being held. Looking over the roster she decided what she did and did not need to attend. Most of what she read had nothing to do with young readers but she’d been asked to attend the conference.

After lunch she was free until 3:00 and she took a Starbucks coffee out to the courtyard off the lobby of the hotel. It was a quiet peaceful retreat with the sound of water from several fountains blocking out the sound of horns and sirens of the city. She found a seat by a fountain and sat down.

Jeremy took his new phone out to the courtyard hoping for better reception and called his daughter in Oxford. He checked his watch and with the time difference it should be around 5:30.

“Hey, Melody, what’s the crisis? Oh really…what do they want for it…what’s that in dollars? Jesus, Mel…yeah I know it is…will they lease it to you? Well, find out and let me know I’d rather lease than buy, you know? Sorry about that but I had a little phone trouble. Yeah, me you too.”

He ended the conversation and pocketed his phone. The courtyard was nice…a nice touch. He walked over to a fountain and dipped his hand in the water pulling out a floating leaf. Now he had a wet hand and slung it about and spotted a napkin on a table.

“I wonder if you’d mind…Lydia.”

She’d jumped and nearly upset her coffee. “Jeremy, what are you doing here?”

“Trade show. Do you mind if I?”

“Have a seat.”

He picked up her paper napkin and dried his hand. “What are you doing here at the hotel?”

“A young reader’s conference. I came in this morning.”

“I flew in last night. Are you still staying out on the rock?”

She smiled a little. “I don’t live on a rock and yes I still live in Plymouth.” She noticed how gray his beard had grown.

“You cut your hair?”

“About eight years ago.”

“Sorry…I…you look good.”

She did look good. Her blond hair was layered about her face softening her chin and bringing out her eyes. He hadn’t really looked at her at Frank’s funeral.

“I was just talking to Melody. The flat she wants is available but pricey.”

“She called me earlier to try and call you. I did but you didn’t answer.”

“My phone died. How long is your conference?”

“Until Thursday. I go home on Thursday.”

“I’d like to take you to dinner.”

“Oh, don’t feel like you have to entertain me, Jeremy.”

“I don’t have to I want to. We haven’t talked in years.”

She sat quietly for a moment. “I’m not sure there is anything we haven’t said to each other.”

He played with the wadded up napkin. “Do you ever go back and reread something you didn’t quite understand the first time? Pick up a book you read years ago and reread it?”

“I have my favorites that I occasionally pick up again. Usually on rainy afternoons when I’ve nothing else to read or want to read.”

“Do I need to pray for rain?”

“I’m not sure what you…why ever would you suggest I revisit you?”

“It was just a thought. Have dinner with me.”

“Dinner with you, oh, all right.” She answered as if it were a distasteful thing he’d asked her to do.

“What room are you in?”

“I’ll meet you here around 6:30”

He took a breath. “Okay, 6:30 will work for me. Thanks, Lydia.” He dropped a quick kiss on her cheek and went back to his show.

Lydia picked up the wadded napkin and pressed it to her forehead, why oh why had she agreed to have dinner with him. He stirred up things…he…why didn’t he leave her alone? He upset her when he came around. After all these years he still had the ability to turn her inside out.

It had not been an amicable divorce. She’d been hurt and angry and betrayed. She knew he was a flirt he always had been. It never occurred to her that he’d take it any farther; that he would actually take another woman to bed; but he had. A well meaning friend told her and her world came apart. She was left with Melody, then six years old. He generously paid child support until Melody graduated from high school and then he supported her while she went to college. She had not wanted a dime from him and he hadn’t paid one.

She changed jobs and went to work for a publishing company and that’s where she met Frank. It took him three years to ask her to marry him. There were no exploding fireworks, no trips to the stars when he took her to bed but he was solid. He was real and he loved her.

Jeremy remarried around the same time but his marriage only lasted two years. It was a hot flash in the pan and after awhile it became clear to him the only thing they had in common was in the bedroom. He’d made a mistake and he tried to see Lydia after his divorce was finalized but she wouldn’t accept his phone calls. She was happily married to Frank.

Over the years he’d had live in girlfriends but no one he wanted to form a lasting relationship with. He was hard to live with and he knew it. For the last two years except for one night with the young woman he’d taken to Frank’s funeral, he’d been alone. He bought a high rise apartment in Philadelphia where his company’s home office was located. He worked, stopped off for drinks with his male friends and discussed sports and the economy. He traveled a good deal with his business and settled into his forced bachelorhood.  There were always women if he wanted one. Strangely enough, he hadn’t wanted one for quite a while. A fact that worried him from time to time.

The dating scene didn’t appeal to him anymore. He was tired of having to explain himself over and over. Tired of it all. He would always notice a good looking woman but he lacked the energy to try and make anything of it. He supposed he was getting old at 48.

And then he met Lydia quite unexpectedly in the courtyard.

Chapter 2

He ordered a bottle of wine without asking her what she preferred. It didn’t occur to him that her tastes might have changed in fifteen years. But it was all right a nostalgic touch, she thought. He’d taken her to Ruth Chris not bothering to ask her if she still ate red meat.

She pulled out her reading glasses and looked at the menu.

“They say their filets are excellent.” He held the menu away from him.

“Would you?” She handed him her reading glasses.

He smiled and perched them on his nose. “Thanks, I forgot mine.”

She ordered the grilled chicken and he ordered a filet…medium rare.

“You order chicken in a steak house?” He picked up his glass of wine and sipped it.

“I don’t eat red meat.”

“You should have said something.”

“You should have asked.”

“You used to love a steak, medium, with a bit of sauce.”

“That was then. I stopped when Frank became ill.”

“I’m sorry about Frank. He was a descent fellow.”  Jeremy hadn’t really known him. It was Frank who met him with Melody when it was his weekend. They’d exchanged pleasantries. He always asked him to give his love to Lydia. Jeremy figured correctly that he never did pass that love on to her.

“Yes, he was.”

“Are you all right out there on the rock alone?”

“Well, yes and I’m not alone. I have friends. Melody said you’d moved.”

“Ah, yeah, I bought a condo in a new building in the city. It’s convenient. I don’t have to pull the car out to go to work.”

“How is work?”

“It’s work. I’m surprised you’re still working. I thought after Frank died you’d pack it in.” He never thought such a thing but it seemed reasonable to him. Frank was loaded.

“No, no, I enjoy it. It’s interesting and keeps me busy.”

“Thing about work is it can keep you too busy. I know it does me. Just as well since there’s nothing else going on in my life.”

She hadn’t asked him if he was with someone at the moment. She didn’t care.

“Are you seeing anyone?”

She was taken aback that he’d even suggest…with Frank gone not two years. “No.”

“Sorry, none of my business I know. I just hadda ask.” He grinned.

“I loved Frank, Jeremy.”

“I know you did. He was good for you.” It was becoming a bit crowded at the table with Frank’s ghost in attendance.

“What do you do out on the rock? What’s a typical day?”

“It’s not very exciting.”

“I’m interested.”

“I have a dog.”

“What kind?”

“He’s a mixture. Black and gray, long haired and intelligent. So my day begins with Pepper. I let him out in the back garden and make my tea.”

“No coffee?”

“Not until later. I feed the cat, Ginger, let Pepper back in and make my breakfast. I take Pepper for his morning walk. Sometimes we go down to the beach; that is when I’ve the inclination to wash the sand out of his hair when we return home. I read for awhile, do a little gardening if the weather’s nice. I live a very quiet life, Jeremy.”

“What kind of cat do you have?”

“A very large orange tabby. She’s ten years old now.”

He was going to ask her what she did in the evenings but their dinner salads arrived and after the extra pepper was ground and the bread was brought to the table, he forgot.

Melody was a safe subject and they discussed her life and her growing romance with Danny McClellan during dinner.

She declined further drinks and asked for coffee. She didn’t drink much anymore. Only an occasional glass of wine. He finished the bottle he’d asked for.

“You should have had the steak, it was excellent.”

“It’s not healthy. Hard to digest and clogs your arteries.”

He raised a brow. “My arteries are fine, thank you.”

“Are they?  Do you have regular checkups?”

“I have to. Our insurance company requires it. I’ve been on blood pressure meds for awhile.”

It was evident that he took care of himself. He was aging nicely. No middle age paunch hung over his slacks. He was still a handsome, sexy looking man. Sexy? Where had that come from? That word hadn’t been in her vocabulary for a long, long time. She didn’t think about it anymore. She’d broadened over the years and was a little thicker around the middle. It hadn’t mattered with Frank. She’d always been perfectly at ease with him. Jeremy made her want to suck in her stomach and pull her jacket around her. She didn’t know him anymore.

“What do you want to do for the rest of the evening?”

“Sorry, I…nothing. You can take me back to the hotel or I can get a taxi if you have other plans.”

“I don’t have any plans.”

“Well, I thought maybe…”

“You thought wrong. There’s no little woman waiting at home for me. There’s no one waiting for me.”

“I didn’t mean…but that’s unusual for you isn’t it?”

“No, not unusual at all.”

“I don’t really care, Jeremy, it’s none of my business what you do or who with.”

“For your information, I’m leading a celibate life at the moment. Have been for two years.”

“I know that’s not true. At Frank’s funeral you brought a most inappropriate little girl with you.”

“That was a one off thing. I apologize for that it was a stupid thing to do. I’d just met her. I’m not the guy I used to be."

“I don’t know how we got onto this conversation.” She placed her napkin on the table. “Excuse me.”

She went to the ladies room.

Jeremy sat back in his chair and ran his hand through his hair. He wasn’t the guy he used to be but convincing her wasn’t going to be easy. Why was he even bothering? Why did it matter to him? It did…it did because he still cared for her. He’d been a shit most of his life and he’d come to realize being a shit wasn’t what he wanted. He wanted to let the dog out and feed the cat.

Lydia dabbed at her eyes. He could still make her cry…well, to be honest it wasn’t his fault. She was just over emotional. It had come on her quickly for she hardly ever cried. Still she blamed him for some of it. For making her care. This evening had been a mistake. She should never have agreed to dinner. There was just too much between them. It was too intense and she didn’t need this now. All these years she had avoided being alone with him because she knew what he could do. He brought out jealousy and pain. What should she care if he had a dozen little bimbos on his arm? But she had and it had hurt to see him there with his prize on his arm while her husband lay in his casket.

While he waited he paid the tab for their dinner and ordered himself a drink.

“I’m ready to go.” She appeared at the table with her bag on her shoulder and did not sit down.

He took a gulp of his drink and stood up. “Are you all right?”

“Yes.”

Lydia had beautiful clear skin and her cheeks were flushed. He’d upset her and he damned himself for it.

“Do you want a taxi or would you like to walk?”

“I’d like a taxi.” The sooner she was away from him the better.

They didn’t speak on the way but once in the lobby he took her arm and led her to the courtyard.

“I need to go up to my room.”

“I want to say something to you first. I want to see you again, Lydia.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

“I wish there was some way we could start fresh without all the baggage we carry. Forget the past and start out new.”

“That’s impossible. We know what we know. The only thing good we ever did together was Melody.”

“We did a lot of good before I fucked it up. You’re a real person, honest and …beautiful. I want to see you.”

“That’s just…not possible. I finally found my feet after Frank’s death. I’m able to live my life again. I have friends, a job and my house. There’s not any room for you because you take up a lot of room. I’m sorry, Jeremy. I don’t want to see you.”

“I take up a lot of room because I make you feel again, don’t I? You aren’t dead, Lydia, they didn’t bury you. You may have found your feet but you aren’t living. You’re existing…waiting for something.”

“You’re wrong…you’re so wrong about me. You have no idea what I feel. You don’t know me at all anymore.”

“I know you have a mole under your left breast. How many people know that about you?”

“Maybe it’s because you know that we can’t play innocent with each other. People who know each other as intimately as we do don’t start over.”

“Dinner tomorrow night?”

“No, I have a company dinner here to attend.”

“Breakfast?”

“Good night, Jeremy, and thank you for dinner.”

“Just like that?”

“Please just…leave it alone.” She left him in the courtyard and went to her room.

He couldn’t leave it alone and he wouldn’t.

She was shaken. That he would come back into her life now and scatter the pieces she had so carefully glued together. A little over two hours with him and look at the state she was in. No…no she could not let that happen again. He was wrong…she could feel.

She could feel but she couldn’t sleep. Up and down half the night. She finally took some aspirin for the headache that accompanied her night.

The next morning she found a member of the team and told them she would be going home that afternoon. She was sorry to miss the banquet but she really didn’t feel like attending. By 2:00 she was pulling her Volvo out onto the street from the parking garage.

“May, I wanted to let you know I’ll be home tonight. In fact, I’m just on the highway leaving Boston. I know but something came up. Oh, I’m okay. I’ll call you when I get home.”

Jeremy went ahead and made plans to have dinner with some people from the trade show. As he was leaving the hotel he stopped by the desk and asked if it would be possible to have a dozen roses sent to Mrs. Lydia Matthews’s room.

“No, I don’t know her room number.”

“Lydia Matthews checked out today.”

“Are you sure? She had a banquet tonight.”

“Yes, Sir, she did check out.”

He walked away from the desk feeling a little deflated. He also thought he might be the cause of her leaving her conference earlier than expected. If so, she had run from him. Suddenly he didn’t feel like going out to dinner but his group was already assembling in the lobby. He put on his salesman’s face and went along with them.

He passed up the bar scene after dinner and went back to his room. Undressed he lay on his bed and did some serious thinking about Lydia. He fiddled with his phone and looked up her number. He’d had it for a long time but never called her. Melody had given it to him…just in case.

He figured this was 'just in case' time and called her.

Lydia had unpacked her bag after May left and hung up the unworn clothes. Silly, she supposed, to run like a scared rabbit. She took her toiletries back to her bathroom and turned out the light. As she passed by the bed her phone began to ring in her purse. She glanced at the bedside clock and fished out the phone not bothering to check to see who was calling.

“Hello?”

“Lydia, I wanted to make sure you got home okay. I was going to send you some flowers by way of an apology for last night. They said you’d checked out. I’m sorry if I upset you. I didn’t mean to.”

She sat down on the bed and closed her eyes. “It wasn’t anything you said, Jeremy. I’m one of those people who can’t leave a sore alone. I have to pick at it and make it bleed again. It’s all over and done with. I appreciate the thought but I’m quite all right now.”

“Well, I’m not. I never realized how wounded I left you. You’ve never forgiven me.  I can shake out the last fifteen years of my life and nothing falls out. At least you had Frank.”

“Yes, I did for a short time. Are you indulging in a bit of self pity?”

“Maybe I am…I don’t know. I’ve been taking inventory for a long time now and I don’t have much to show for 48 years. I’ll see you, Lydia.” He ended the call before he went maudlin on her.

He called Timothy and told him he was taking the rental car.

Chapter 3

Thank God for GPS or he would never have found Pond Road. The road twisted and turned up a hillside and then dog legged off to the left to reach her gravel drive. The sun was just about to clear the top of the hill when he pulled up at her house. He’d had an early morning. It was just going 7:30. He hoped to time his arrival about the time she let her dog out.

As soon as Lydia let Pepper out he began barking and she stepped out with him.

“What is it boy?” He ran around to the side gate and she heard a car door slam.

Lydia followed him to the gate and looked out. “Oh, Jeremy.”  Her shoulders sagged. Of all the-

“Good morning, Lydia.”

“I don’t believe this. What are you doing here and how in the world did you find me?”

“GPS, you can’t hide anywhere anymore. Am I in time for tea?”

She shook her head and quieted Pepper.

“I’m thirsty.” He put his hands in his pockets. “Long drive from Boston with only a cup of coffee to keep me going.”

“You might as well come inside.”

He knew he wasn’t welcome but he hoped to change that.

Pepper did a quick leg hike and followed them into the house. Someone new to check out.

They passed through the screened porch and into the kitchen.

Lydia filled the electric kettle and turned it on. “What time did you leave Boston?”

“Around six. I wasn’t sure how long it would take me and figured in lost time but I didn’t need it. GPS brought me right to your door.”

He bent down and patted the dog’s head. “Good looking dog.”

The sun broke through her kitchen windows and he noticed his surroundings. “Nice and bright. I never knew where to picture you.”

“I’m not sure that was something you needed to know.”

“I like that above your sink. Sunny days – warm breezes-and the sea.”

“I stenciled that myself. When I married Frank this house was rather dark and dreary. He let me have a free hand in redecorating it.”

“You made it yours.”

“It was ours.”

He nodded…Frank’s house.

She set a cup of tea in front of him. “I guess the important question here is why have you come?”

“Because I didn’t like the way we left things between us.”

“There haven’t been things between us in a long time.”

“That’s not exactly true. You threw one at me already. I’m sure there are others.”

“To be honest with you, Jeremy, there really aren’t any others. You’ve not been a presence in my life for fifteen years. I’ve managed without you and managed quite well. I was upset because my husband had died. I might have gone to you for comfort at that time but of course that was out of the question.”

“I’m very sorry. I don’t know what else I can say. I’ve been a fool for a lot of years. Maybe it’s progress that I can see that now. I barely got to speak to you that day. You were surrounded by people I didn’t know.”

“You didn’t try, Jeremy. You were too busy with-“

“No, I wasn’t but you’re right. I didn’t try very hard. Can we at least lay that to rest?”

She sighed and looked up at him. “Yes. I’d rather not go there again.”

“Where’s the cat?”

“Probably still asleep. The can opener is her alarm clock.”

“I probably should have let you know I was coming but I was afraid if I did you’d bolt.”

“Where would I go? I might have told you not to come.”

“I’m sure you would have.”

“So you didn’t’ ask.”

“No.”

“It’s a long way to come to be tossed out on your ear.”

He was playing with the dog, scratching his ears and shaking his paw. “At least Pepper likes me.”

“He’s not very discriminating.”

He sat back up on the stool and looked at her. “Slings and arrows. I feel like a dart board.”

“It’s the only way I can deal with you.”

“No it isn’t. I’m not your enemy. You don’t have to deal with me just accept me.”

“Accept you…as what?”

“Back into your life. I’m not going away.”

“You…you remind me of Melody. The way she’d plant her feet and cross her arms and her lip would come out. Stubborn little girl.”

“You mean like this?”

“Exactly,” Lydia chuckled.

“It worked for her…hey I’m not above it.”

She smiled and reached for a can of cat food. He still had that thing that…oh what was he doing here?

“Jeremy, I don’t know what you want from me. I gave you everything I had and it wasn’t enough. I don’t know what you’re talking about here.”

“I’ll tell you. I need you, Lydia. We’ve hit the middle mark here maybe a little past it. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life without you. I look back now and I see what I was. I’m not proud of it. I’ve been flailing about for years trying to find something solid I could hold onto. It wasn’t there because I was looking in the wrong places. We’ve come full circle and I want to latch onto you. I want to see you, I want to be with you, and I want to share things with you. I think I’ve finally reached adulthood.”

“You’ve decided all this in the last 36 hours?”

“No, I’ve known it for some time. It took running into you in Boston to show me where I belong. I want to be with you, Lydia. Whatever it takes, however we have to work it out…its right…it feels right to me.”

She turned on the can opener and it went around twice before she noticed.  Ginger came running from her bedroom announcing her arrival and ignoring Jeremy completely.

She’d listened to his plea. He sounded like a drowning man and she knew that couldn’t possibly be the case with him. He had his life in Philadelphia. A new condo. So he hadn’t been going with anyone…so what? She might come along tomorrow and turn his head. He was an attractive man, successful in his business and he was out there.

May had come over to see her when she got back from Boston and they’d had a long talk. May was her best friend and she’d told her about Jeremy, about meeting up with him at the hotel. May had been comforting and sympathetic but she’d also told her that maybe she should take another look at him…people change.

She fed her cat and put kibbles down for Pepper.

Jeremy was quiet. He’d thrown himself open and if she wanted to throw darts at him he could take it. She still had her pajamas on; knit pants and a tank top. She looked soft and sexy. He thought if he had any balls at all he’d pull her into his arms, pull her off that shelf and kiss the daylights out of her. She needed red meat, coffee and wine. She needed him to pump some life into her again.

“Have you got any plans for today?”

“No, I was supposed to be at the conference until three.”

“Can we spend the day together?”

“When are you due back in Philadelphia?”

“I had a flight out tonight but I cancelled.”

She met his eyes and a smile played around his lips. “You’re awfully sure of yourself.”

“Not at all. I was just hoping.”

“Since you’re here we could have lunch somewhere.”

“Lunch is good. It’s a start anyway.”

“Don’t get your hopes up, Jeremy.”

It was too late. His hopes were already up after all, she hadn’t thrown him out…yet.

She made coffee, scrambled eggs and toast for their breakfast. It seemed strange for him to be there in the house. She was feeding him on plates she and Frank and picked out. This was Frank’s space and there was nothing of Jeremy here. He took up too much space, breathed the oxygen right out of the air. Frank had been taller than Jeremy but slight. He didn’t have Jeremy’s body or his vitality. He’d been a calm sea, a refuge…safe. There was nothing safe about Jeremy.

Lydia went to dress. Ordinarily she would have pulled on sweat pants and a hoodie. This morning she put on a pair of jeans and opening drawers she spied a pumpkin colored sweater she’d bought on a shopping trip with May. She’d never worn it. It always seemed too much, too bright in color for her. She pulled it over her head and jerked the price tag off the sleeve. She wasn’t aware that the color brought out her eyes and fine skin and put a glow on her face.

“I won’t be long,” she told him.

“I’ll go with you.”

“You’re hardly dressed for dog walking.”

“I can change. My bags are in the car.”

“You came prepared, didn’t you?”

“I didn’t know how this was going to go.” He still didn’t know.

“There’s a guest room or better the guest cottage. If you’ll get your bag I’ll show you.” Better to have him away from the house even to change his clothes.

She unlocked the door to the cottage. It was only one room but spacious with a bed, seating area around the fire and a one counter small kitchen area. Frank used it for his partners if they should come down for a weekend or his children when they made a rare appearance.

“Nice and cozy.”

“There’s not any heat or air out here.  No one has been in it since Frank died.”

“I’ve never seen this, how old was she?”

Lydia looked at the painting of their daughter. “About ten. We had it done the year we married.”

“Remember the year we married?”

“Yes…I do.” She ducked her head. “I’ll meet you in the garden.

Frank had wanted to do something for Melody and had her portrait painted. Every year since she’d been born she was taken to have her picture made on her birthday. Lydia had always sent one with her for her father. She didn’t’ know he had them in order of age in a very large frame in his hallway. That year her portrait was painted was the only year her picture wasn’t taken on her birthday.

It was also the year Jeremy had remarried and the year he’d moved to Philadelphia. He was part of a young and up and coming company. They opened a home office in Philadelphia and Jeremy was made a partner. His wife wasn’t happy there. All her partying friends and family were in Boston. She made frequent trips back and forth and finally called him and said she wasn’t coming back.

He’d tried to contact Lydia after his divorce but she wouldn’t take his phone calls and tossed the letter he wrote her in the trash unopened. She was safe and secure in her marriage to Frank and didn’t need him. She didn’t want to know about him. He’d been an emotional wreck at the time but he soon pulled himself out of it.

He changed into jeans and an old Phillies sweatshirt.

“Are we going down to the beach?”

“Not unless you want to wash sand out of Pepper’s hair.”

“I don’t mind if he doesn’t.”

The walk down to the beach was a winding trail down the hillside. Pepper knew where he was going and ran ahead off his leash stopping now and again for them to catch up. The beach was rocky but the tide was out leaving a strip of packed sand for walking. Pepper spent his time among the rocks checking for sea creatures trapped in little pools.

“I never associated Plymouth with anything but Plymouth Rock, and you of course.”

She smiled at the added on ‘you’. “I like it here. It’s close enough to Boston but it’s a small town. There will be pilgrims in November.”

“Still land do they?”

“A replica of the Mayflower is docked here.”

It was a good walk with casual conversation. It was possible for them to be together without bringing up the past.

Chapter 4

“Are you still a beer and pizza kind of girl?”

“I haven’t had beer in ages.”

“Come on, live a little.”

Lydia was living outside of herself today. After their walk on the beach Jeremy turned the hose on Pepper who stood with his head down. This was his punishment for enjoying himself on the beach and he took it like a dog. Jeremy dried him off and gave him a treat for being such a good boy. Lydia watched all this with a smile.

Frank would never have taken the time with Pepper. Jeremy was younger; different. He drove into town in the rental car and parked it along the street. They walked for a block until he stopped in front of the pizzeria.

“I love the smell of an Italian pizzeria.” She remarked as they found a booth and sat down.

“Yeah, me too. Do you come in here a lot?”

“No, not for awhile.”

They gorged themselves on pizza and she ate sausage and pepperoni without a thought.  Afterward they stopped at a card shop so she could buy birthday cards for some of her friends. Jeremy got her laughing over the funny cards and he bought one and gave it to her.

“You didn’t even sign it.”

“You know who it’s from. Do you want me to write love, Jere on it? Here give it to me.”

“No, no, I wouldn’t’ want you to write on it.”

He wrestled it away from her anyway and borrowed a pen from the clerk and wrote his salutation on the back of the card. “There, now you can’t give it away.”

“As if I would.”

He looked at her a minute. “You might.”

She turned the card over. He’d written I love you, Lydia – Jere. She used to call him Jere a long, long time ago.

She frowned and looked up at him and then away walking out of the store.

He figured he’d blown it now.

She didn’t comment on it but she did want to make another stop. He took her to the grocery and walked around while she shopped. She met up with someone she knew and must have said something to the woman by way of explaining him. He noticed the woman raised her brows a few times and smiled and winked at Lydia. He grinned and walked to the door to wait for her.

“Is that it?”

“Yes, thank you, you can take me home now.”

Once they got back to her house and she was putting away her shopping she began talking about Frank.

“He used to make the best salad dressing. It was his own concoction. We ate a lot of salad and pasta. He loved pasta with butter and parmesan cheese grated on top. Of course when he became ill we had to cut out butter. We began eating natural foods and-“

“Isn’t butter a natural food?”

“Well, yes but it’s not good for you.”

She went on talking about Frank as if trying to bring him to life again. Jeremy let her go on about him for awhile until he’d listened to all of the Frank accolades he was going to bear.

“Lydia, Frank’s not here, he’s not coming back, honey.”

She stopped and bit her lip closing the refrigerator door. She wanted Frank here and then Jeremy wouldn’t be here. She leaned her head on the fridge door.

When her shoulders began to shake he couldn’t stand it any longer. He went to her and turned her around and put his arms around her.

“It’s all right, Lydia. I know it must be hard for you to let go. You’re still trying to live in his shell. It’s you now…you. You gotta step out. You can’t live for him any longer. Think about Lydia and what she likes and what she wants. I’m not here to try and take his place. I couldn’t and I wouldn’t want to try. What you had with Frank was between you and him. It will live on in your memories but you’ve got to face it, honey.  This is here and now.

“You know, you said you’d made a new life for yourself. What I see is that you’ve continued the life you had with him as though he was in the next room. He ain’t there; Lydia and he ain’t gonna be there, sweetheart.”

“I’m trying, Jere. I’ve been alone here and it’s so easy to pretend.”

“Maybe you need a change of scenery. Why don’t you go see Melody and stay for awhile? She’s about to move into her first apartment. You could help her. I would be good for you.”

“I can’t do that, I mean, I can’t leave…there’s Pepper and Ginger.”

“You said you had friends. Find out if they are true friends. Hell, I’ll come and stay a few days. I can do weekends.”

“Weekends, I couldn’t stay for very long there’s my job to think of.”

“Fuck the job. Tell them to shove it.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“I need the income.”

“What? Lydia…what are you saying? Frank Matthews was rolling in money.”

She backed away against the kitchen counter and wiped her eyes. “It went to his children. I have an income that he set up for me and it covers my expenses…but I-“

“Oh, Christ.” A bolt of anger went through him. Frank, the Perfect.

“Is the house paid for?”

“Yes.”

“Sell the damn thing.”

“No, no I…I love this house. I do…it’s mine now.”

“Look, honey, if you want to go to England and stay with Melody or in a five star hotel it’s on me. Stay as long as you want to. Not a penny of his money would I want spent on your trip. She’s our daughter…ours.”

“I would love to see her. I miss her.”

“So do I but I’m afraid we’re going to lose her to this Danny. She’s still got another year at Oxford College. After that she may not come home. I just have a feeling about it. So if you want to see her…what if I go with you?”

“You?”

“Yeah, me. I’m her father and you’re her mother what’s wrong with that?”

“But we’re not…I’m just feeling very confused right now.”

“You’d better put your skim milk away.”

“What? Oh…”

“I’ll take Pepper for a walk up the road while you figure it out. Okay with you?”

“Um, yes.”

The house seemed to settle after he left. She looked around and nothing had changed but everything had. He’d crashed through her shell and she felt naked and defenseless. It embarrassed her about the money. At the time she’d thought Frank had been generous with her, making sure she would have an income for the rest of her life. Now she could see that she’d been so upset about the whole thing, about his coming death that she hadn’t thought it through. She’d always been careful about money and paid attention to the price of things. But she’d been all right, she’d worked it out. She couldn’t afford to go to England and see her daughter.

She sat down on the stool and gave into tears for a bit. Jere had come in and upset everything. She didn’t’ know what she was going to do about it all. Tell him to leave…leave her alone? Take his offer to go and see Melody? She knew what Melody would say about it. Maybe she could get leave from her job. Or quit…why did she stay on at the firm her husband once ran? He was gone now and so was his influence. There were new people and the old ones probably felt sorry for her. It was true the manuscripts she was given to read weren’t ever going to be published. It was time to move on.

Jeremy.  He wanted back in her life and he’d come back with a bang. She wasn’t sure she wanted him there. She wasn’t sure she’d ever get over him.

Jeremy walked off his anger at Frank the Perfect. Lydia would have her trip whether she wanted him with her or not. Anytime she wanted to go he’d see to it. He’d see to her too. If she wanted to keep the house fine, it would make a nice weekend place but he was damned if he’d leave her there to float around with Frank’s ghost. Damn penny pinching son of a bitch. Sick or not he knew what he was doing.

He sighed and waited while Pepper investigated a few trees. Somehow, he’d make it work because he wasn’t going to walk out of her life now.

When he returned to the house she was slicing up cheese and arranging it on a small platter with olives and little tomatoes.

Quite calm now she poured out two glasses of wine. “I hope this is still good, I’ve had it for awhile.”

He searched her face. “I’m sure it’s okay.”

“I’d like to take you up on the trip to England. I think it would be a nice surprise for Melody.”

“She’ll love it. The flat she wants is for sale not lease. I asked her to check on leasing it but I think I’d like to go ahead and buy it for her. If it’s all right with you maybe I can travel with you and take care of the purchase while we’re there.”

She sucked on an olive. “Yes.”

“Are you all right, Lydia?”

“No, no, I’m not, Jere, but I think I can get there from here. You were right about me.”

“I know I was kind of blunt. I didn’t mean to hurt you, Lydia. God knows, I've done enough of that.”

“You didn’t hurt me. I tried to make out like you did but the more I thought …you opened my eyes to a lot of things.”

“You can’t keep living Frank’s life.”

“No I can’t. I had a good marriage with Frank and I’m not going to try and make him a saint because he wasn’t. Neither were you but we did have some good years. I’ve been through a lot in the past four years. Frank’s illness took a lot out of me. I realize I’ve not always treated you fairly. After we divorced it was over. All that pain I went through at the time. It was like I couldn’t’ let go of it. I wanted to hate you but I couldn’t. Every time I would hear any news of you I used it to feed that pain that should have been gone. God knows what that’s done to Melody. I tried not to ever say anything around her but children pick up on things. I feel I need to explain myself to her.”

“You don’t have the market on pain. I went through a lot myself. I didn’t stop loving you when we walked out of that courtroom. I tried to, tried every substitute I could think of. I’m back on your doorstep again. I don’t want to walk away empty handed. Lydia, can we work something out?”

“You’re like a freight train when you get started.” She smiled and refilled their glasses. “Slowly, Jere, let’s take it slow. We’re different people now. We’ve lived separate lives. I’m actually happy in this house. I really don’t want to sell it. I like living here.”

“I can’t, at least not full time. My business is in Philadelphia and I do a fair amount of traveling. I have to.”

“You said you could do weekends.”

“Now that I can do. You might also consider traveling with me…that is if I’m going somewhere you’d like to go. Bumfuck, Arizona is probably not a good tourist spot.”

“Is there really a place called Bumfuck?”

He grinned. “Must be somewhere, a lot of people go there.”

“So you keep your place in Philadelphia and I keep this one?”

“However you want to work it. I think that’s a reasonable thing to do. We’ll meet when we can on weekends or you can come to the condo anytime.”

“It’s a start, isn’t it?”

“We have to start somewhere. I’ll go ahead and make arrangements for the trip to see Melody and you find a home for your pets while we’re gone.”

“Okay. You know, Melody has never known us to be together. She doesn’t really remember the early years.”

“Yes she does. She remembers that you used to take her to school in a red car. She remembers we took her to the circus and she got sick on cotton candy. She remembers when we taught her to swim in our neighbor’s pool.”

“She never mentions any of that to me. I really need to sit down and talk to her.”

“You’ll get the opportunity very soon. This wine is not so bad after the first glass.”

“It’s getting late what time is your flight?”

“I don’t have one. I cancelled the one I had and didn’t book another. I’m here bag and baggage.”

“Well, I guess this is when I’m to ask you if you’d like to stay.”

“I’m already moved in the guest house.”

“Do you mind it terribly?”

“I don’t mind it tonight but I’ll tell you right now, I’m not going to stay there.”

“No, I don’t expect you will.”

“I’ll want a new bed. I ain’t sleeping in Frank’s bed with you.”

She laughed. “You’re not even moved in here yet and already making demands.”

“You wanna bet? I’m here.”

He moved and took her in his arms and slowly kissed her.

ATONIA'S PAGE

AUTHOR'S PAGE