“I don’t know, maybe we like to make ripples.” (Spoken by John Brennan in Toni’s Next Three Days)

Chapter 1

John Brennan stood on the balcony off Toni’s bedroom and looked down into the garden. They were all gathered around her, all four of them. They would be hearing that she was all right and then they would come for him. He couldn’t blame them really. What had happened here at the House of Four Seasons was a mistake; especially for her. Well, they wouldn’t find him here in her bedroom.

“Where is he?” Jack asked.

Toni caught the thinly disguised anger in Jack’s voice. “You leave him alone. It’s not his fault.”

“Nobody is going to hurt him, Toni.” John Biebe stepped up beside Jack.

Terry held the back door open for Jack and bowed slightly as he went through. John and Terry disappeared in the house with Jack. Toni turned back to Max. He’d been quiet after the initial greeting and kiss. She tried to catch his eye but he seemed to be looking everywhere but at her.

“You’re angry with me aren’t you? Why don’t you just say it, yell at me, and say it? I didn’t ask for him to come.”

Max was trying to find the words. He was angry with her. “Disappointed, I would have expected something better of you.”

She didn’t have to tell them that she and John had made love. They all instinctively knew. Jack and Terry immediately blamed John Brennan and were ready to take him apart. John tried to reason with them before they went inside. Max had said little except to call Brennan an unflattering name. Toni had just wanted to leave. Couldn’t they just leave?

“You want me to say I’m sorry? I’m sorry I came here. I wish I’d gone home from Virginia.”

“I don’t want your apologies, Toni.”

“Well then…you won’t have them.” She walked away from him to the bench by the cliff. She was fighting tears. This was not the time to cry, to breakdown in a puddle.

Max turned and looked at her straight back sitting on the bench. He felt completely impotent. Anger fuelled his feet and he went into the house.

Brennan had gone out the front door to the steps up to the porch where he’d first arrived hoping he’d just disappear.

“Brennan.”

He turned to see Jack Aubrey flanked by Terry Thorne and John Biebe. He turned around to face them. “How do I get out of here?”

“You bloody son-of-a-bitch; you couldn’t leave her alone could you.”

“Jack.” Biebe cautioned.

“I didn’t ask to come here and if I’d known how to leave I would have left the first day.”

“She explained the circumstances to you. Why the bloody hell didn’t you back off?” Terry said through his teeth.

“Back off where? We were trapped here, both of us were. You want to beat the shit out of me go ahead. Nothing will be gained from it.”

“There’s no need for that.” Biebe took Jack’s arm and he shrugged him off.

“You had no right she belongs to us,” Jack said.

Max pushed his way in front of Jack. He locked eyes with Brennan for a moment. “Get him out of here.”

“That’s all I want, I just want to leave.” Brennan held up both hands

“I’ll escort him.” Biebe stepped in front of Max and went down the steps. He took hold of Brennan’s arm. “Come on.”

Brennan backed a few steps and turned and walked away with Biebe.

“Do you love her?” Biebe asked after they cleared the House.

“Yes,” Brennan answered. He felt his heart in a vice, a physical pain in his chest. Love her? Oh, yes.

“Bad mistake you made. You don’t take from brothers.”

“Is that what we are, brothers?”

“Yeah, more than that.”

“I’m not sorry that I love her.”

“Yeah, well you ought to be. Don’t ever come around her again.” Biebe stopped at the gates. They opened for him and he stepped out with Brennan. “You ever seen Wizard of Oz? Wish yourself home.”

Brennan looked past him at the House and then back at Biebe. Within a matter of seconds he was gone.

Out on the bench Toni felt his leaving, a pulling away and then nothing. He was gone and she never got to say good-bye. Now the tears ran down her face. In that brief time she’d fallen in love with John Brennan. She would never see him again of that she was certain. She got up and headed for the cliff path down to the beach. She had to get past this sense of loss. There were four angry men she had to face. Four men she loved and shared her life with.

Jack watched as Biebe walked back to the House alone. His blood was up. He’d wanted to physically hurt the man. He went out the front door and headed toward the side of the house.

“Gone back to la-la-land.” Terry turned away from the door. “He had a lot of fuckin’ nerve ya know?”

“It takes two.” Max said and flopped down in a chair holding his head in his hands.

“Yeah, it does.” Terry wanted to shake Toni and ask her what the hell she thought she was doing. “I never would have believed it of her…to go outside the circle.”

“Where’s Toni?” John asked coming into the room.

“She was on the bench by the cliff.” Max answered and sat back in his chair sighing.

He took a look at Terry and Max. “It’s over and done with.”

“Is it?” Max looked up at him. “Is it over?”

“He loved her, Max.”

“Oh, we need to hear that.” Terry turned on him. “I don’t care what he thought or felt. He’s a brother, he should have known better.”

“He’s new, he don’t know shit.” John threw back at him.

“Oh, he’s a friend of yours now is he?” Max sat up in his chair.

“No, I don’t call him a friend, but I don’t’ see how you can pile all the blame on him. He was called here by the House for one reason. He fulfilled his purpose.”

“I’m still not convinced Toni didn’t have something to do with that.”

“You think she’s lying?” Terry looked at Max.

“I don’t know. She watched his movie…she felt something for him. She wanted to know him or the House wouldn’t have brought him here. That’s the way it goes, Terry.”

“Watching a movie and requesting a season are two different things. I know she wasn’t figuring on a season. You said that yourself, Max.” John moved to the sofa and sat down.

Jack ended up on the beach. He’d walked down past the dock to the rocks. His anger had cooled a bit now. He looked up toward the point of land and saw Toni far out on the rocks.

She’d climbed up there and sat with her knees drawn up watching the waves. She wouldn’t forget Brennan and she wasn’t sorry she’d known him. A sound made her turn around. Jack was standing on the sand at the base of the rock. She wanted to slide right down into his arms but she was afraid he’d toss her into the sea. He didn’t speak he just stood quietly looking at her.

He loved that woman with all he had. He was hurt; he felt the pain of her unfaithfulness dearly. Like the others, he’d found it hard to believe she would bed another man outside of their circle. A stranger…yet a brother. Finally he spoke.

“I didn’t kill him.”

Toni came unraveled. Deep sobs erupted from her body.

“Come down from there.”

Blindly and jerkily she began to move, scooting on her bottom down the rock until he could catch her, and he did. He held her so tightly to him it hurt. When he released her he held her arms. “I should spank you.”

He was a blur in front of her. She was at the blubbering stage.

“Stop this nonsense,” he demanded shaking her slightly.

Toni wiped her face with her shirttail.

“I fear, Pet, that what you have done will cause irreparable damage to us all. You cannot possibly think it would not affect us. Trust, Pet, is hard fought and easily lost. I hope he was worth it.”

“I…I…loved him.”

He let her go dropping his hands from her arms. “He is gone, banned from this place. You will not see him again.

Toni looked up and met his dark blue gaze. She had the hiccups. “Jack, can you believe I love you all the more.”

He moved his head slightly, “I believe you know you are in a world of trouble. I already have your love and repeating words right now will gain you no favor.”

Toni wiped her eyes, sniffed and straightened her shoulders. What had she expected? Of course he was angry with her. She nodded slightly, hiccupped and began walking back to the cliff path. Jack walked beside her and glanced at her from time to time. She showed no regret for what she’d done and that bothered him. She walked straight beside him in her jeans, barefoot and wearing a Pittsburgh tee shirt underneath her denim jacket. She wished now she hadn’t worn the tee shirt; a statement she’d been better off not to have made.

Max waited at the top of the cliff path. He’d come to look for her and seeing her with Jack he waited. He was not happy with her at all.

Toni stood before him and looked into his eyes. The pain and disappointment was there for her to see. He made no move to touch her.

“Max, I’m sorry I’ve hurt you.”

“Are you? Would you take it all back, undo what’s been done? No, no you wouldn’t would you? Why did you really want to come here?”

“I…I wanted to have some time to myself. Honestly, it never occurred to me what the House was doing. I never even thought about the seasons changing or that the House would send someone here.”

He wanted to believe that. He looked away from her. Jack passed by them and went toward the back door of the House. He looked back at her and for the first time noticed the tee shirt she had on. Brown and faded with the name printed across the front. It was an in your face kind of thing and he resented it.

“You can have all the time to yourself you want.” He turned around and walked off. Over his shoulder he called back to her. “Call him back if you want to. I don’t care…I really don’t care.” But he did and it hurt to say those words to her.

Toni ran inside and up the stairs to her bedroom. Terry was sitting on her bed but for the moment she ignored him. She peeled off the tee shirt and tossed it in the floor. With a white tank top on she turned to him. “Go ahead, say it.”

“Why should I say anything? You know without being told. Come over here.” He placed his hands on her hips and ran them down her thighs. “That was a big no-no, Toni. You had to know what you were doing here with Brennan. You didn’t care, did you? It’s only now that it matters.”

“I realized when I saw him what had happened. I watched his movie and I liked him. I hadn’t seen it before. The rest was the House doing its thing. I didn’t call him here.”

“I can believe that. You should have left immediately.”

“I tried. My car wouldn’t start. John tried to help me with it, looked under the hood at whatever men look at. He even pushed it to the gate for me. He was going to push it out onto the road but the gates wouldn’t open.”

“How long did you hold out?”

She looked down at the carpet between his knees. “A day and a half. I tried to fight it…I really did. This place is not for fighting…not for fights of any kind.”

“We aren’t having a fight. I’m just telling you, luv, that you’ve made a big mistake. I don’t like it. You forget who you are and what you mean to us. We belong to you, all four of us do, but by that same token you belong to us, and we don’t share with anyone else. Four guys ain’t enough for you…huh?”

“More than enough.”

“I haven’t heard you say you regret it.”

Toni met his eyes and she couldn’t say she regretted it so she said nothing.

He popped her ass. “Shame on you.”

She looked away from him biting her lip and determined not to cry. He pulled her back onto the bed with him and kissed her.

“I love you, Toni, but you can’t do this kind of shit and get by with it.” He left her there curled up on her bed.

Half an hour later John came in and closed her door. She turned and looked at him.

“Is it your turn now to come and tell me what a thoughtless, unfaithful, wanton woman I am?”

He smiled a little. “I guess it is. Ah, Toni,” he walked over to the table behind her sofa and ran his hand over a statue of an angel there. “I saw him off. He said he loved you.”

Toni covered her eyes with her arm. “I loved him too. I didn’t want to. I tried not to fall into the spell of this place. I just got to the point where I didn’t want to stop what was happening. I know I’ve let you all down. I’m sorry I’ve caused such pain and anger for you all. I love each and every one of you, maybe more than ever. I know what I have, John. I don’t want to lose it.”

“No danger of that, sweetheart. We’re all a little surprised you’d do something like that. We can blame the House if we want to, blame me for not showing up when I said I would. I tried but there wasn’t a trace of a road. We all walked all over this place and nothing was here. It took Jack and his sailboat to find the House and to find you. You know you could have stopped it, but you didn’t want to. I can’t really blame him for it. He was sent here to fall in love with you.”

“He was very much a gentleman about it all. He understood it was a mistake. We didn’t know how to send him back. He would have gone, he wanted to go.”

“You understand how protective of you we are. What he did was wrong, but he didn’t know. Still, I don’t forgive him for it.”

“Will you forgive me?”

“I forgive you, Toni, but it may take some time for the rest of them. Max especially needs some time.”

John walked to her balcony and looked out toward the ocean. This House held so many memories for him. This balcony where he and Toni and clung to each other and cried after his first season here with her. He knew he had to leave her and at that time he’d never see her again. They’d fallen deeply in love in the three and a half months he’d spent with her. He shook his head slightly. How far they’d come since that cold day.

Maybe they’d come too far. Since coming out in the real world he’d pulled away from her. His wife and kids were out too and that made a difference to him. He placed his hand on the railing. Maybe he wasn’t right for her anymore. Maybe she needed a John Brennan. Unlike the rest of them the only time he and Toni came together was here at the House. He didn’t think that counted out in the real world. It was difficult for him. He was married and was as faithful as he could be to Donna.

Toni quietly joined him on the balcony giving him some space. She felt strangely apart from all of them.

“Maybe what you need, Toni, is another season. I haven’t been your season since I came out. Not really, you know.”

“Don’t even think about that, John.”

“Well, I do. I don’t spend time with you.”

“That’s not why I slept with John Brennan. Don’t be trying to find excuses for me because there aren’t any. He was totally unexpected. It happened and I’m tired of talking about it. I can’t undo it and the thing that’s terrible is that I don’t want to undo him. He was a candle that burned briefly. Now he’s gone and it’s over. I’ve accepted that.”

“Promise me one thing, Toni, promise me you won’t do it again.”

“I can promise you that. I don’t ever intend to come back here again and I’ve never been tempted anywhere else.

Chapter 2

It was nearly sundown. Toni finally came out of her room and went in search of Max. She went out the front door to avoid the rest of them in the kitchen eating. She’d been watching from her balcony and hadn’t seen him since he’d walked away from her.

She pulled her denim jacket around her against the evening coolness. He’d walked toward the pond and that’s where she went in search of him.

He’d walked and then sat on the bench, and now he was up and headed back to the house. He wasn’t sure if they were spending the night or if they might be waiting on him. He’d gone over Toni and his love for her until his head hurt from thinking. He made it to the gazebo when he saw her coming around the pond. He stopped, not sure he wanted to talk to her but knowing he must.

“I kept thinking you’d come back to the House and then…I thought I’d better come looking for you.” She came up to the opposite side of the gazebo and stopped, not sure of her welcome.

“I’ve been doing some mental aerobics. Gets painful after awhile. I’ve been thinking about how I’ve loved you for all these years. Always, even when other people were involved. You own me totally, completely. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you. So I’ve had to ask myself where you are in this love affair. I’ve realized I can’t hold you, you’re not mine to hold. I don’t think you feel the same for me. Maybe it’s impossible considering our circumstances, I really don’t know. I’m already sharing you with Jack and Terry…Brennan or anyone else is not an option. I can’t handle it. I won’t even try.

“It doesn’t matter now why you wanted to come here alone.  I don’t want to hear anything else about it. The fact is you desired someone else. Not Jack or Terry, whom I’ve come to expect. I won’t say I like that, but then you know it and it doesn’t matter to you. I don’t know where you are, Toni.”

He’d gotten to her and if she hadn’t been miserable before she was now. “I don’t know where I am either. I don’t know how I could do something that would hurt you. I could stand here all night and tell you how much I love you. I don’t think it would penetrate right now. You wouldn’t believe me. Actions speak louder don’t they?” This was when she slipped Brennan into that secret compartment of her heart. She would never discuss him with Max. Never mention his name.

“I’ve made a mistake, a selfish mistake. I want to run to you and pretend it never happened.”

“You have made a mistake. Pretence is not going to make it go away. You need to think about what it is that you want.”

“I know what I want.”

“No, you don’t. Think about it for awhile. You know where I am.” He walked by her with his hands in his pockets toward the House

Toni sat in the gazebo. Directly across the pond was the boat house. She wished it would disappear, removing all traces of what happened in there. Still it would be there in the air around her. It would always be with her. Her heart ached for Max. He would never know how much she loved him. Words gained her no favor…how true. Nothing she could say would make any difference right now.

“What do you want to do, Max, you want to leave her here?” John asked.

“I don’t care. I’m ready to go home.”

“Without her is not a good idea, mate.” Terry lit a cigarette out on the terrace where they were all sitting.

“I think she needs some time, Terry, to figure out who she is and what she wants.”

“Surely you don’t think what happened here has changed the course of our lives.” Jack leaned across the table.

“I don’t believe that,” John added.

“She wanted to shag John Brennan that’s why he was brought here. Do any of you dispute that? Knowing how it was when you came here the first time with her.  I can’t get my mind around it. I don’t know where her mind is anymore.  You said it wasn’t his fault, John, he bears some of the blame but we can’t do a thing about that.”

“What is it you want to do about Toni? You want to punish her is that it?” Biebe wanted to know.

“No, I want her to come to terms with what she’s done and decide how she wants to live. She’s all emotion right now. She’s not thinking, she’s feeling.”

“Well, we could turn her before the mast…how many lashes do you think, Max?” Jack didn’t like the way Max was talking.

“I’ve already given her a lash.”

They all looked at Terry.

“Just a pop on her bum. She needed it.”

“Nobody is going to lash Toni,” John said. “Maybe Max is right. She needs to think.”

“I do not believe this House is conducive to thinking.” Jack ran a hand over his head. “We have two options as I see it. I can take her to my cottage and leave her for awhile, or John can take her to Maine. You have cottages.”

“Yeah, I do but I also have Donna and three kids there.”

“There’s also the cottage in the country that we own, Brother.” Terry looked at Max. It was going to be up to Max as far as he was concerned.

“Why don’t we leave it up to her? She can decide where she wants to go. Maybe that’s part of the problem we’re always making decisions for her. She ain’t a kid, you know. Just back off and leave her alone for awhile. She might just want to go home with you, Max.”

“She can do as she likes,” Max said wearily in answer to John.

“It’s late is anybody thinking about leaving tonight?” John asked.

“If we are we need to get about it while the tide is going out,” Jack responded.

“I don’t want to stay here,” Max said.

It was Terry who walked down to the gazebo. “We’re leaving, Toni. John’s got to get back to Belfast so he can sheriff. I left Anna with the boys. Are you going to be all right, luv?”

“Everybody’s going?”

“Um hm.”

“Do you hate me?”

“No, I love you  and all that you are. You fucked up that’s all and you gotta roll with it.”

“Yeah.”

“Max seems to think you need some time to get your head straight. This is not the place to do it.”

“I know that.”

He came into the gazebo and sat down. “It’s gonna be all right. Give it some time to fade.”

“I feel like the bottom of a rock just dug up with all the crawly things attached to it. I am sorry for what I’ve caused. I’ll go somewhere and…figure myself out. Don’t worry if you don’t hear from me for a little while. I know the children will be okay with you and Max.”

She was in shadows and he couldn’t see her. He could feel her though and he pulled her into his arms. “It’s not the end of the world, luv. We’ve all made mistakes. It’s your turn in the barrel.” He kissed her and then set her back. “I gotta go, they’re waiting on me. You’ve got the car here and it runs, John tested it. I’ve no doubt the gates will open for you now. You take care of yourself. You should go home, Toni.”

“Bye.”

Terry hesitated at the edge of the gazebo. Leaving her alone went against everything he felt.

“Are you absolutely sure this is what you want to do?” Jack asked Max before they got on the sailboat.

“I’m not sure of anything right now, Jack. Let’s go, I need to go home.”

Toni watched the lights on the boat as it cleared the point. She walked back to the house and found her purse and the bag somebody had brought in from her car. Taking one last look around at the place she loved she walked out the front door. This time the gates opened for her and once on the highway she headed for Boston.

John set out for the long drive back to Belfast after he dropped Terry and Max off at the airport in Portland. Terry had called ahead when they reached Gloucester and arranged for his plane to be fuelled and ready to go. Nobody was happy. They’d had to talk Jack out of going back for Toni. He left upset with all of them. John didn’t like leaving her there alone either and he personally thought Max should have stayed with her. But Max was still dealing with his own demons and he left him alone.

John had his own demon and it was named guilt. It seemed like he wasn’t ever able to help. He couldn’t be anything to Toni but a friend.  The more he thought about it he realized that’s all he needed to be. She needed a friend. There was enough tension between the rest of the quartet over her. Terry was pretty laid back, but Jack and Max…he shook his head. There wasn’t an answer for it. He and Jack were two different men. Jack could somehow separate his life with Toni from his wife and kids. He couldn’t do that. He was a family man first and foremost. Suddenly he wanted to be home, home with Donna and his children.

Terry reached over and picked the book up from the aisle. Max had gone to sleep. He was a little worried about Max. He seemed to be taking this whole thing too seriously. It was the House after all and not like she’d gone out on the street and found some bloke. He didn’t like what Toni had done either, but it was over and he’d forgiven her. How could he not? He hadn’t been faithful to her. His circumstance was a little different…okay a lot different. Yet he was still married to her and that was a bond neither of them wanted to break. Max hadn’t wanted it broken either and he wondered why. Max considered himself married to her by the magic marriage they’d had. He said he didn’t need a piece of paper. Maybe he did, maybe she did. Maybe it was all too loose. But then what was a piece of paper. It hadn’t counted for much after all. It made Jacky legitimate but hadn’t made him any smarter. But he wasn’t going to go there, not tonight. They shouldn’t have left her there…bad idea. What the bloody hell was Max thinking? Why hadn’t he stopped  it? He could have sent Max home on the plane and stayed with her. It was a classic FUBAR.

Toni couldn’t get a flight out to Paris tonight. It was too late. She managed to get a first class seat on a flight to London. London, not France. She hadn’t a plan at all except to get on the other side of the ocean, far away from the House of Four Seasons.

The House had brought her so much happiness, so much pain, and now it may very well have brought her downfall. She felt as though she was going through the motions; handing over her passport, picking up her bag, finding her seat, strapping herself in. Max’s words had gone to the core of her. She didn’t like herself much right now. She let her seat back and closed her eyes praying for sleep, for oblivion. She felt sore all over from self inflicted blows. It would never be the same again.

The plane began its descent and Max woke up disoriented for a moment and then the reality hit him in the chest. It was madness…pure madness.

Terry began to stir in his seat bringing the back up and opening his shade. He glanced over at Max.

“Hey, do you want to go home with me or what?”

Max looked at his watch and reset it for France. “I’ll see if I can get a seat on the 2:00 to Marseilles.”

“Max,” Terry wanted to know if he was all right.

Max looked over at him. “2:00, shouldn’t be a problem. I’ll be fine.”

“Would you tell me if you weren’t?”

Max sighed, “I would tell you. Actually I’m not, but being an Englishman, I must push on.”

“You’re an arsehole.”

“That too.”

“You shouldn’t have left her.”

“She’ll find her feet.”

Terry couldn’t understand his attitude…as if he didn’t care. “That’s cold, Max.”

Max righted his seat and looked over at Terry. “There is nothing cold about it.”

Terry hung around the airport with him until he had his seat confirmed for the 2:00 flight.

“You just going to sit around here until two?”

“What do you suggest I do?”

“You don’t want to hear it. Let me know if you hear from her, will ya?”

“You’ll be the first to know.”

Max went to the shops and bought a book. He then found a comfortable spot in a lounge and with an eye on the TV and one on the book he settled down to wait for his flight.

An hour later Toni’s flight landed. She went through customs and walked out of the airport not knowing where exactly to go. She was afraid to go to the flat in case Max had decided to stay over. A cab pulled up and eyed her. She got in and gave him the name of a hotel. It would do for the night and she was exhausted. Sleep was ellusive.

The next morning she called the lock-up where her car was stored along with Max’s Aston Martin. She took a cab to the garage and picked up her car. She now had a plan, and on the outskirts of London she stopped and shopped. She really had no idea if it would work or not. She took the A127 to Southend On Sea.

It was a farther walk than she remembered and encumbered as she was with her travel bag, purse and carrier bags of groceries she had to stop and rest now and again.  She’d passed the war memorial, and keeping her head down and trying to concentrate she passed the two cottages that still remained.  A mist swirled about her and she felt a different terrain under her feet. She looked up and saw the outline of the cottage. She’d made it.

She piled her bags by the door and removed a stone where the old fashioned key was kept. The cottage was damp and cold even in summer. She opened the shutters and the windows to let in some fresh air and lit the fire to dispel the damp. Jack had thoughtfully laid a fire the last time he was there.

She unpacked her groceries and went out to the woodpile for wood for the stove. That was something she’d have to keep going if she wanted anything hot to eat.  She took the linens off the bed and draped them over shrubbery to air out. It was Jack’s little hideaway and a perfect place for her to sort herself out.

Thoughts were kept at bay while she worked cleaning the cottage. It was as neat and tidy as Jack’s cabin on the Surprise but dust had gathered and there were crawling things to dispel. She waited patiently for the stove to get hot enough to boil water for tea. It was like playing house, small as it was, but soon the novelty would wear off and all the problems she had would be screaming for attention.

Chapter 3

Max’s calm exterior belied the emotional storms happening within. Three days now she’d been missing. He had repeated phone calls from Terry and John. John had actually driven back down to the House and found no trace of her there. Terry had been by his flat in London and Bert hadn’t seen her. He went inside the flat and found it empty. Max called the farm in Virginia under the guise of checking on Munchie who’d been ill. On the weekend Terry took the boys down to the cottage in the country. No sign of Toni there either.

In Max’s mind it came down to Jack’s cottage. Though she’d been strictly forbidden to go back in time by herself he didn’t think anything he forbade mattered to her. His only hope was that Jack had intervened and was with her. As much as the thought of that bothered him it was preferable than the alternative. He honestly didn’t know if he’d ever see her again. He’d had that feeling before when she’d gone to Maine with Jack. It kept his heart trembling.

Rose had become his little companion keeping the sane part of his mind occupied. Tuppy was back from her holiday and everything was moving along at the Chateau La Siroque. He spent a good deal of time over with Aubrey Duncan. Aubrey had put in some new vines and walking through the vineyards and sweating was good therapy for him.

Toni was sitting in the shade of a weathered bush. The front of the house faced the sea and she tried to keep herself concealed  when she went out. The back was protected by a high hedge and stone wall. She was free there to move about without worry. As she sat there watching the tall ships sail out of the mouth of the Thames she thought of Jack and wondered where he was. She had to remind herself it was the time of the Napoleonic war. He could be fighting or sailing on the other side of the world.

She’d been there for a week now and was no closer finding out where she was than when she arrived. That was what Max had said to her. “I don’t know where you are.”  If she went back to him now what would they do? They would stand and stare at each other and part of her wouldn’t be there. He would know because he knew her so well.

She picked up a broken cockle shell and held it to her nose smelling the salty chamber. John Brennan…three days with him and her life was in limbo. Would she take back those hours she’d spent in his arms? Steadfastly she’d refused, but now alone on the beach she thought about him. They’d connected somehow. His uncertain life and hers. For a shining moment she’d loved him. How was it possible when she had four loves to love another?  She’d stepped outside and took a lover. She’d watched his movie not thinking about a season at all, but she’d been attracted to him and the House had taken that as an invite.  To be honest with herself there had been desire on her part. Okay, yes she had wanted him. There, she’d said it. Anywhere else it would have come to nothing but not at the House of Four Seasons.

She brushed the strands of hair from her lips the wind had brought around. The sails of the tall ships were fading into the horizon. There were smaller ships still coming and going up the Thames. She relished the silence and the salty air. She wished she’d never gone to the House of Four Seasons alone. How selfish and unwise it had been. She’d already been gone long enough leaving Max there with Rose with only Ludivine for help. Tuppy had a month’s holiday while Jacky was with Terry.  She would be back now and little Rose would be asking for Mummy. She rested her head on her knees and let the tears come.

“I’m sorry, so sorry. I wish I’d never met him. I’d take it all back…I was a fool,” she cried aloud

Brushing her skirts off she quickly went up the steps to the front of the cottage. The sun had found her hiding place.

Terry drove to Southend on Sea and  sat in his car debating whether to try and cross over. Memories of what had happened to Max came to mind. He really didn’t want to end up in WWII. What if she wasn’t there? Really she could have gone anywhere. Something inside made him believe she was at Jack’s cottage. Jack was probably with her, he thought, and if so he wouldn’t be needed or welcomed. He ran a hand over his face and started his motor. A few more days and if she didn’t surface somewhere he would attempt to cross over. He tried to send a message to Jack through their mental telepathy route. Whether it hit its target he didn’t know. He didn’t get a response.

Jack knew where she was. He always knew where she was and he’d decided to let her alone for awhile. She had battles to fight and his presence wouldn’t help her cause. He’d objected strongly to leaving her at the House alone but once she’d settled in his cottage his mind was at ease. He would give her some time to come to herself. Terry’s inquiry went unanswered. Leave her alone, he though, leave her to find the answers on her own.

The weather changed suddenly sending sheets of rain over the cottage. Toni was trying to keep herself comfortable dealing with wet wood, trips out to the toilet in the rain and forcing the water pump up and down. Her muscles were sore from the hard work required to keep the cottage going. She was now rationing her food. Soon, she knew, she would be forced to leave the cottage and face her real life.

It was a frightening thought. She felt less than she had been before John Brennan. In her mind she was tainted now.  She didn’t deserve their love and adoration. More than anything she wanted to see herself reflected in Max’s eyes. But let it be the woman she used to be and not the one she was now. The woman who’d dealt him such a blow. Over and over she’d relived his words to her. It was as though Brennan had been the final straw that broke the camel’s back. He couldn’t take anymore. She wanted to beat herself and tear out her hair…Max.

One day she didn’t even get up out of bed. A look out of the bedroom window and it was still so foggy she couldn’t see the ocean. The fire had burned down in the stove and she didn’t care. She drank water and pulled the covers over her head.

It was late in the day and she’d been in a dazed sleep most of the day. Not fully coherent and yet not asleep. Images in her mind kept her company. Fleeting moments captured over the years with her loves. John skating with a team in Gloucester. His thrilling victories. Moments with Jack on the sea, in his whirlpool bath, Terry in the library at the House lying with their feet in each other’s lap and reading. Max…holding tightly to him as he took them overland on his bike. It was torture.

He walked from the village port of Southend with a canvas bag full of foodstuffs. It was misting rain but for him that was nothing. When he entered the cottage, which was unlocked, he found it dark in the mid afternoon and a touch of the stove found it cold. He became alarmed and called out her name. “Toni, Toni.”

He found her in the bed curled up under a quilt. “Toni, ah, Pet.” He pulled her onto his lap and petted her and rocked her. “How long have you been like this?”

She moaned into his shoulder. He got her a drink of water and tended to the fires bringing them back up. Some bread and butter and a cup of wine brought her back around. Two days she’d wandered about in her dreams.

“You’ve come to save me again.” She barely spoke aloud.

“Would that I had been here sooner. Why do you do this, why get into this condition?”

“I don’t know. I was tired…tired of it all. I’m a disappointment to everybody.”

“Ah, feeling a bit sorry for yourself? Well, you are a disappointment to me as you are now. Clean yourself up. I have a fowl from the village and some root vegetables to prepare. You will cook them for me. He left her to her toilet.

Toni felt embarrassed for him to find her like this. She washed her face and hands and brushed out her hair. She donned her shift and a long cotton skirt. By the time she came into the kitchen he had the stove hot and tea made.

“I’ve known you were here, Pet, but I thought to leave you to consider your state. Perhaps I have been mistaken.”

“No, I needed the time, Jack. It was only a day or so ago that I fell into this condition. I’m sorry you had to find me like this. I don’t have any more tears or I’d use them right now. I’ve been such a fool.”

“I will agree with you.” He took a sip of his tea. “It is to your credit that you realize that. I hope you do realize also that no matter what kind of a little fool you are, you are loved.”

“I know, I know I am. I also know that I’m about the luckiest woman in the world. I have everything I could want. I slipped, Jack, slipped and nearly fell. I’ve been sleeping and dreaming and remembering our lives, our time at the House and even beyond that. Before all this happened I used to wish quite frequently that I was back at the House and that we were all as we were then.” She shook her head.

“Not anymore do I yearn for the past. It’s all here and now. I’ve made mistakes…we all have in one way or another. It’s only human to slip and fall now and again.

“I want you to know that I am sorry about John Brennan. It was a mistake, it was my fault, my own weakness. I could have prevented it and I didn’t. I guess I’m asking for your forgiveness.”

“Granted,” he said with a twinkle in his eye.

“It’s time I started accepting responsibility for my life. It’s one I chose and one I want to live. There are people that depend on me and I’ve let them down. I don’t know how to fix it. I’m afraid Max is going to turn his back on me forever.”

“I wouldn’t give that legs, Pet. Max is deeply in love with you. You gave him a kick in the balls but being a man who’s suffered that I can say the soreness goes away.”

He set his cup down and reached for her hand. “He loves you and will forgive you anything as long as that love is returned to him.”

“It is.”

“Then you must convince him of that.”

“There’s no doubt in your mind that I love you is there?”

“None.”

“Why would Max doubt it?”

“Max has a deep core of insecurity. He covers it up with many things. He’s charming and affable and likes the spotlight. Give him that spotlight, Toni. Make him the center of your world. The rest of us are just planets.”

“Oh, but what planets you are,” she smiled.

Toni set the potatoes and carrots to boil and the chicken to roast in the oven. She was half starved and crammed wafers he’d brought into her mouth. Jack started the fire in the main room and brought in some more wood. It was warm outside but the stone cottage held a cold dampness if not aired.

Over the next two days her vitality returned and she felt more like herself than she had in a long time. She had long talks with Jack who always steered her course in the right direction. The last day they spent together they went into the sea. He in his pants and her in her shift should anyone sail close enough to see them. Her shift left little to the imagination when wet, much to Jack’s delight. He teased her and played with her and loved her the long afternoon in the bed that was too short for him.

“On the morrow I shall need to go into the village.” He pulled her atop him and held her fast.

“Me too?” she asked and nibbled at his ear.

“No, I think not.” He held her face in his hands and kissed her deeply. She was lost in him and forgot to ask why he was going into the village.

He left her sleeping early the next morning  and instead of going into the village he transported himself to La Siroque.

He caught Max as he was about to go into Bonnieux.  “We need to talk, Max.”

“Where is she?”

“She’s at the cottage. Come let us sit and talk.”

Jack talked straight and plainly to Max so there would be no misunderstandings. He told him of his conversations with Toni and her present state of mind.

“Why didn’t you bring her with you?”

“Because, Max, I want you to go and get her. Take as long as you like I shall stay here with my daughter until you return.”

Max’s eyes widened. “You want me to…oh, no, I’d end up in the middle of the sea.”

Jack laughed. “Confidence, Max, use it and your desire to see Toni. Send yourself to Southend on Sea. You know the way from there.”

Max blinked. “There’s a war on there.” He sighed and looked at Jack. “All right, I’ll give it a go.”

Chapter 4

Jack had assured him he’d be fine but Max was nervous about the magical transport. It had not worked well for him in the past. He felt like he was in a whirlwind coming apart and then he felt heavy and landed on his feet by Toni’s car. He’d aimed for the parking lot by the war memorial. He laid his arms across the car for a moment. Safe, and here was her car. He felt a giggle bubble up inside of him. Soon he remembered himself and straightened up and pulled his jacket down looking around in case anyone had noticed the slightly disheveled man lying across the car.

He walked quickly across the war memorial grounds. There were a few tourists reading the plaques. He dared not even look up the hill. He kept his eyes on the paved walkway. Soon he’d reached the other side and breathed a sigh of relief. The two cottages were ahead and he picked up his pace now. If he ended up in a cockle fisherman’s boat so be it. He could swim. He concentrated on Jack’s cottage and the mist began forming around him. It always sent a chill up his spine, a little finger of fear, but he felt the unpaved ground under his feet and knew he’d made it.

The weather was cooler here. He walked up to the back gate and stopped. Toni was sitting out on a stool drying her hair in the sun. She was dressed in some sort of costume of blue skirt and pale yellow shirtwaist. He hesitated for a bit. Jack said she had no idea what he’d done. He was afraid he’d see a look of disappointment in her eyes. He wasn’t Jack coming back from the village.

Gathering up his courage he opened the gate.

Toni turned when she heard it and dropped her brush. “Max!” The breath went out of her. She ran to him and stopped a few steps searching his face…his eyes.

“I was just, ah, passing by and…saw this beautiful auburn haired woman…in the sun…and…”

She cut him off with her lips. They held each other so tightly neither of them could breathe properly.

“Oh, Max.” Tears were pouring down her face.

“It’s all right…that I’m here.”

“Oh, yes, yes, yes.” She held him running her hand up the back of his head through his soft hair. “But how?”

“Jack sent me.”

“Oh, I love Jack.”

“I think I do too.” He grinned and kissed her again. “God, I’ve missed you.”

“It’s going to be all right now, Max. I promise you it is. I love you so much.”

Max looked around the garden but he didn’t let go of Toni. “This is where you’ve been. I knew it but I thought he’d come here with you. He said not.”

“No, he only came a few days ago. What a gift he’s given me.” She kissed him again.

“He came to me at La Siroque and that’s where he is…babysitting Rose.”

“Oh, good, and Rose is all right?”

‘Oh, yeah.” He took a deep breath. “Toni, I’m sorry for the things I said, I…”

She placed her fingers on his lips. “No, Max, you were absolutely right. You have no idea how those words have lived with me since you said them. I think I can tell you now that I know where I am. I’m with you. Wherever you are I’m with you. I made a mistake, slipped off my pedestal didn’t I? I don’t want you to put me on a pedestal, just love me as I am. I’ve learned my lesson here. I belong to you and I know that. I feel it inside.”

“I’ll put you wherever I want to, pedestal or right here in my heart where you’ve always been. Whatever mistakes we’ve both made in the past are just that…passed and forgotten. I can’t live without you, Toni.”

“You don’t have to worry about that ever again.”

“I did though, I worried about you and Jack. He talked pretty straight to me today. He loves you as much as I do, but he’s in a place where he can’t do anything about it. I almost feel sorry for him…almost.” He grinned.

“Come inside with me. Would you like some tea or…I don’t know what time it is, maybe a drink, he’s got port and rum and…”

“It isn’t even lunch time yet, love, and no, I don’t want anything to drink.”

He let her lead him by the hand into the cottage and except for the archaic kitchen area it was quite cozy and comfortable looking. Jack was a gentleman in his era and the cottage reflected that.

“Looks a lot different from the last time I was here.”

“He’s had his crew in and made it what it is. I really don’t mind it here except for the lack of plumbing and electricity.”

“Um, yes,” he looked around and peeked into the bedroom. “Bed.”

“Comfortable feather mattress.”

He had to swallow his revulsion of Jack’s bed, one he’d shared with Toni. It was a bed and therefore…

“Want to try it out?” she asked tilting her head.

“What do you think.” He came to her and grabbed her bum pulling her against him. He shrugged out of his jacket. Toni went for the buttons on his shirt.

“Oh, yes,” she murmured pulling him deep inside of her. This was where she belonged. This man and now…now. It had been a month since they’d come together.

Later she lay with her head on his stomach and he played with her hair. “Jack said we could stay here as long as we want but honestly, Toni, backyard privy and no shower?”

She raised her head, “Don’t feel like roughing it?”

“Um…no. I found your car. That’s, uh, where I landed.”

“We’ll have to shut the cottage down, put out the fires and all.”

He pulled her up and kissed her. “Not that I don’t appreciate his hospitality, but let’s be real here.”

“I know…it’s a stretch for you.”

He smiled and took her hair in his hands. “I don’t care where I am as long as I’m with you, but a toilet would be nice.”

“Have you gotta pee, Max?”

“Um, much more pressure on my bladder and….”

Toni laughed and rolled off him. He pulled on his shorts and headed out the back door.  It was so good to be back with him. She couldn’t get the smile off her face. What a surprise Jack had given her. One she treasured close to her heart and would forever.

“Never again will I give you cause to doubt me.” She said aloud. “Never,” she rolled over on the bed holding a pillow. She heard the door close and sat up.

“Max?”

“Yes, love, I was looking for a place to wash my hands.”

“Considering where they’ve been for the last hour, now you worry about it?”

“There’s not a faucet.”

“Come in here.” She poured out water in the basin and handed him her soap.

“I can’t believe you can live in this primitive place.” He dried his hands on a towel.

“We have to eat up the rest of the ham and the bread.”

“Why? Why can’t we just toss it over the fence?”

“I don’t know…I just…living here you don’t waste anything.”

“We aren’t living here, love, only visiting.”

“True,” she  began pulling out her modern clothes.

They made sure the fires were out, bed made and everything neat and tidy before they left. They both nibbled on the ham before tossing it toward the shore for the tide to carry away. Max stood there on the beach for awhile watching the sailing ships coming and going.

“This is fantastic. No one alive has seen this except us.”

“Jack lives this, Max.”

He slipped his arm around her but turned once more to see the ships slowly heading for the horizon. He took her bag and hung it over his shoulder. Together they walked toward the 21^st century.

The first cottage came into view. “About here I think.” Max said and took hold of her.

“Here” She turned around and looked down the road. Jack’s cottage was still there half hidden by high hedges and vines. “Okay.”

On a clear sunny day a mist formed around them and escorted them through time. He turned to her. “You didn’t have any errant thoughts…like planes and war zones did you?”

“No,” she laughed. I thought about my car and something good to eat in that pub on the main street.

“It scares me to death, Toni. I really don’t like this going back in time. It’s so…iffy.”

The path was more overgrown now. Hardly a trace of the old road remained as they passed the cottage. Beyond it the road was travelled and soon they were on pavement. They passed the war memorial and she saw her car. Max tossed her bag in and they walked to the pub for a meal and beer.

On the motorway back into London Toni looked over at him driving her car and squeezed his arm. “So good to be riding with you. Where are we going, to the flat?”

“I thought we might unless you’ve got other ideas?”

“No, the flat is good. Isn’t it kid switch week?”

“Oh, yeah, Terry is going to bring Jacky back. Heh, guess he and Jack can, um, converse.”

“You aren’t taking me home are you?”

“Not right away. Remember when we didn’t have Christmas in Paris?”

“Paris…really?”

“Unless you’d rather hang in an English speaking country.”

“Anywhere you are…it’s not like you owe me Paris, Max.”

“All right how about London? We can pretend we’re adults. I know a guy with a nice little flat on the Thames he might consider lending it to me for a few nights.”

“Does he keep wine in the linen closet?”

“Ah, you’ve been there.”

“I have indeed and I found him to be the sweetest, sexiest, most handsome of men, I know.”

“Did you get his name? I’ll have him shot.”

“Max Skinner, and I love him to bits.”