The Velvet Trap: A David Blaine Story
Part 1
The personal trainer Billy found for him had just left and he’d showered in the pool house and pulled on his track pants and a tee shirt. For two months he’d been working with the trainer and was able to stand again despite his damaged left hand. He could walk with most of his weight shifted to his right hand on the cane. He carried the left cane for balance when he needed it but his legs were stronger and he felt stronger when he walked. He paused in the connecting hallway before going back into the house.
The son he wanted with Billy was now six weeks old and aside from the joy and a sense of relief when the boy was born he felt strangely detached from it and Mandi and even Billy. They brought the baby to him but it was small and he couldn’t connect. He felt apart and useless…and neglected.
When she was able Mandi came to his bed but she smelled of baby and her breasts tasted of milk and he found he could not make love to her. He’d been embarrassed and pulled away from her. She wasn’t his any longer. She belonged to the child and even perhaps to Billy. He didn’t know anything anymore except he loved her and Billy but something had changed between them. A restlessness had settled within him.
Billy came running down the hall and met him, "Sorry, Blaine, I meant to come when Steve left. I missed his car going."
"It is all right I managed. I am thinking I might to go London and stay with my Uncle Trevor for awhile. I am no good here, Billy."
"Why do you think you feel that way, is it the baby?"
"I am sure it is, Billy. I do not contribute. I am unable to. Perhaps when he is older. I cannot carry him about. It’s not good for me here right now."
"Have we run you away? Not for the world would I do such a thing, Blaine."
"You have done nothing; it is me. I will talk to Mandi. Maybe a couple of weeks in London will clear my head."
Billy ran a hand over his back, "If that’s what you think you need, Blaine. I’m sorry you can’t live in your own house."
"I can live here. It is not that serious." He smiled and leaned into Billy for a moment. "I have a need to get away. It has been almost four months and I am bored with domestic life."
Billy walked with him into the house not envying him the conversation with Mandi.
Billy took Willy into the kitchen leaving Blaine with Mandi in his study.
"How long will you be gone?" She asked.
"I am not sure. Two or three weeks."
"Are you taking Billy?"
"No."
Mandi got up from her chair and walked around with Blaine watching her. He wasn’t quite sure what was coming.
"I see. Am I that unattractive to you now? Have you come to the point where my woman’s body is distasteful to you? I’ve just had a baby and my breasts are full of milk, my stomach is still soft and all that turns you off doesn’t it? I’ve tried to look at it from your eyes and tried to understand."
"Mandi, I do not know what is wrong with me. It is not you, you are as beautiful to me as ever but I cannot…something is stopping me."
"You can with Billy why not me? We haven’t had sex in three months. It’s been physically impossible for me until now and now I turn you off."
"You are…you are a mother. You don’t belong to me anymore. You smell of Willy…not of me. I have no place in your life right now. It will change, I know this, but right now it is you and Willy and Billy. I cannot have you for a night without you getting up and going to him. I am very sorry I am not able to make love to you. I want to but it does not happen. I am a disappointment to you."
Mandi stared at him a moment her anger rising. "Yes, you are. You wanted this baby you put me in the bed with Billy so you could have his child well now it’s here and you want to turn your back on me and the baby. I don’t feel sorry for you one bit. Willy is helpless and needs me. I can’t help it if I smell like him. You’re selfish and self centered and you don’t care about me or anybody unless they are catering to you. Go…go on to London. Go anywhere you want to for that matter, I’ll still be here with your children. I’m trapped now…really I am." She slammed out of the study and went upstairs to her room.
He knew he deserved her anger but still it stung. He rested his head in his hands and wondered how he’d gotten into such a situation. He went to the door, "Billy, Billy, pack for me I’m going to London."
"Come in, David." Trevor held the door for him and took the bag from his shoulder.
"I hope you do not mind; if it is inconvenient for you I will go to a hotel."
Trevor looked him over, "I see you’re walking good. It’s not inconvenient for me but I’ll be leaving in a few days. I’m going back to work."
"Are you? I suppose you are glad for that?" He sat down.
"You come in alone?"
"Yes." Blaine opened his silver cigarette case and lit one. "Where are you off to or can you say?"
"Back to the middle east."
"You like it there?"
"Not especially but I’m familiar with it and its ways. What brings you into town? Mandi and little Willy all right?"
‘Yes, they are all right. I needed to get a way for awhile."
"Hmm, and you with a new baby. Not a domestic animal are you?"
"I can be." He flicked his ashes in a tray. "Sometimes it gets to be too much…domestic."
"You and Mandi have a fight?"
"No, not a fight. She is not happy with me right now and I cannot help it. She needs and I cannot give."
"How’s Billy?"
"Billy has a baby."
"Oh, and you haven’t. Well you’re welcome to stay here even after I’ve gone. Want a drink?"
"Yes, thank you."
Trevor went into the kitchen and got out glasses and found a bottle. He glanced through to the living room at Blaine. "So what’s the problem at home? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to."
Blaine hesitated because it embarrassed him. He took the drink and had a sip. "She’s come back to my bed but I can’t…I can’t."
"You can’t what…make love to her?"
"Yes." Blaine took a good drink from his glass.
"Um, well, I’m not that familiar with you as far as your sexual life goes. I mean I couldn’t get it up for a guy, you know? Is that the problem?"
"It wasn’t before the baby."
"Did you have this same problem with your first wife after Lyssa was born?"
"No, no I didn’t. There is something wrong with me but I do not know how to fix it. I am of no use at home."
"Well, give it time, David. Just give it some time." He took a drink and looked at David thoughtfully.
Trevor and David went out to dinner and had a few drinks. Trevor seemed to be getting along with the lady on the other side of him at the bar. He bought her a drink.
"Do you know her?" Blaine asked.
"I just met her but I think I’m going to know her." He winked and took a drink from his glass.
"I can get myself back to the flat."
Blaine took a taxi back to the flat and once there hauled his bag into Trevor’s spare room. The flat was absolutely silent except for his own movements. He went into the living room and looked through the CD’s his uncle had and chose one. He stood at the window and looked out over the city lights. They seemed to blur and he blinked several times.
He was beginning to wonder what he was doing here. Being alone is not what he wanted. He could have stayed at home if he wanted that. He smiled wryly, only he could feel alone in a house full of people. He hadn’t told Lyssa he was leaving she’d been at school. He felt a twinge of guilt over Lyssa but shook it off. He needed some time away from home…from the nursery. Why? Because he was afraid…he was afraid. Mandi and Billy had formed a bond over Willy. Something he didn’t feel a part of and he was afraid he was losing them to each other. That it was his own fault never occurred to him.
"Why didn’t you go with him?" Mandi asked Billy.
"And leave you alone with the babies? He never asked."
"If he had would you have gone?"
"I don’t think so. He might not have liked it but…no I wouldn’t have gone."
"I wouldn’t have been alone, there’s the nanny here."
"Why won’t you let her take care of Willy?"
"Because I want to. I never thought I’d have a baby, but now that I do I want to be with him and see everything he does. He needs me and cries for me and I have to be here for him."
"He cries for your tits. How long will you nurse him?"
"Until he’s able to drink from a cup. He’ll be nearly a year old by then."
"Mandi…he didn’t tell you did he about the trip he planned for the two of you?"
"What trip?"
"He said to me when you are able to leave the baby he wanted a trip for just the two of you on the Medea. I’m to stay home. He wanted that time with you."
"He doesn’t want it now."
"Yes he does. He wants you all to himself."
"What do you think about that?"
"It’s not for me to think. You are his wife but if you want my opinion then you’d better start thinking about him."
"He never told me about a trip. Maybe he’s changed his mind now that Willy is here. He doesn’t want me at all. He says I smell like baby. I never thought he’d be this way."
"He’ll come around I wouldn’t worry. He’s feeling shut out, Mandi, he can’t do for the baby and maybe he’s even a little jealous, jealous of the attention paid to Willy."
"That’s ridiculous, what did he expect? How do you know all this has he talked to you? He certainly doesn’t talk to me."
"He’s talked a little but I put myself in his place and I can understand some of his feelings."
Mandi put the baby back in his bed. "You think I shouldn’t have said what I did to him?"
"It’s never wrong to voice your feelings."
She looked at him a moment, "If that’s true then…will you sleep with me tonight?" She moved to the edge of the bed where he was sitting. "You don’t have to…if you’d rather not I’ll understand." She pushed the lock of hair off his forehead. "I feel very close to you but I’m never quite sure how you feel because you don’t say. I love you, Billy."
He pulled her onto his lap and kissed her. "I love you too and yes…I will."
Part 2
Trevor rolled his bag out into the living room. "Well, that’s it. You’re welcome to stay as long as you’d like, David, just empty the fridge before you go."
"Thank you, Uncle Trevor. How long will you be gone or do you know?"
"Maybe a month but you never know it could be longer. You, ah, get your shit straight, David. That’s your house and if you don’t like how things go it’s up to you to change it. You’ve got a nice family…don’t fuck it up."
Blaine smiled a little. "No, I do not want to do that. Take care in your travels."
"Yeah, I’ll see you when I get back." Trevor hesitated a moment and gave David a little quick hug. He left pulling his little bag behind him to the elevator. He’d developed a genuine affection for David. He always seemed a little lost as though he was waiting for something or someone. He couldn’t imagine why or what. He’d been down to his house and met everyone. Damn good looking wife and Billy was…whatever Billy was but he was a nice enough chap. He had everything a man could want going for him.
Trevor watched the floor numbers flick by on the elevator. He thought what David needed was a job; something to keep him busy. This occasional garden design thing he had going wasn’t enough. He sighed and thought if he had that kind of money he might not want to work either.
After Trevor left, Blaine sat around in the flat until he couldn’t any longer. He felt as though his head might explode. He called a cab.
"Take me to a park."
"What park would that be?"
"I don’t care."
"St. James is nice."
"Then take me there."
He got out and walked a little ways and found a bench to sit. Some children were feeding bread to ducks in the pond. That reminded him of Lyssa. He’d sworn not to put her through what he’d lived as a child but what was he doing here instead of at home with her? Mandi was there and the baby. He couldn’t do anything but hold it when he was sat down. It was too young to interact with. He couldn’t feed it because she insisted on breast feeding.
He pulled out his phone to see if anyone from home had called. No one had called him…no one wanted to talk to him. He dropped his phone and picked it up and his thumb hit contacts. The first name that came up was Ali. He nearly lost his breath as he stared at the name. If he pushed the speed dial would Ali answer? Ali…no…Ali was dead…dead because he had killed him. How could he…no, no, no.
The full force of what he’d done hit him in the chest. He couldn’t breathe. He wanted to scream but he couldn’t make a sound. His face was wet with tears when he finally came to himself. "I should be in prison." He said aloud. Wiping his face with the back of his hand he fumbled for his cigarette case. His hands were shaking trying to flick his lighter.
A hand appeared in front of him and lit his cigarette. He looked up at Renee. "Where have you come from?"
"Here and there." He sat down next to him. "Will you come home with me? You might need a cup of tea."
"Yes, thank you."
"I was going to ask if you were all right but obviously you are not." Renee fell into step with Blaine. "I won’t ask you why here in the park."
Blaine was silent the block and a half they walked to Renee’s house.
"This is it. Mind the steps…there you’ve got it." Renee opened the door and let Blaine walk in.
They came into a narrow hallway with steps going up on the left and two doors straight ahead. To the right two steps led down into a reception room boldly colored with coordinating furniture. The walls were a deep salmon color and the woodwork and tables were ebony. Soft sofas and rugs. A little dog came running in barking.
"This is Sampson we had a Delilah but she became ill and we had to let her go. He was heartbroken. Come this way." He led them into another room with dark blue walls and blue and white chintz sofas. This was where he lived most of the time. The dog’s bed was next to the fireplace and sofa blankets were draped about. There were touches of grass green and yellow about the room. Blaine’s artists eye flowed over everything. He couldn’t fault any of it.
"This is a very comfortable and beautiful room." He noticed a piano in the corner, bookcases and healthy looking potted plants.
"I’ll just make tea if you want to sit and rest. If Sam bothers you put him aside and he’ll find his spot."
"I don’t mind him at all. Lyssa has a dog, a Spaniel. Did you do this or hire it done?"
Renee hesitated a moment, "William was the decorator." He slipped out for the kitchen.
Blaine made himself comfortable and looked around at everything. The place was full of a life lived here. He decided he might have liked Renee’s William. Sam climbed up in his lap for a rubdown. He wasn’t sure what kind of a little dog it was but it had long silky hair. The panic attack he’d had in the park was subsiding now. He was relaxing while giving the little dog a few scratches behind the ears and as many pets as he wanted.
Renee paused at the doorway with the tray and looked at Blaine in his living space. He looked at ease…as if he belonged. He shook himself and came in.
"Tea is always good for what ails you." He put the tray down on the coffee table and sat beside of Blaine and poured. Sam drug himself over to his lap.
"Thank you for rescuing me." Blaine took the cup and saucer.
"I’m not sure what from but you’re welcome all the same. How is the hand?" he leaned over and looked at Blaine’s left hand.
"It does not have much strength and all the fingers do not bend from my palm. I exercise it daily and at least I can walk again. That was my problem with it. It is not very pretty." Renee had taken his hand and turned it over.
"At least you didn’t lose any fingers." He let Blaine’s hand go and took up his cup. "Are you better now?"
"Much."
"I was surprised to see you in the park. I almost didn’t approach you but then I saw you were in distress. I never thought to see you again."
"I left you hanging and I apologize. I had not planned to see you again. Do you understand why?"
"I think so. You’re not free."
"No, no I am not. You deserve better."
"I don’t deserve anything, Blaine. Why are you in London if I may ask?"
"I came up to stay with my uncle and had three days with him. He left this morning for the Middle East. I just needed to get away for awhile."
"My uncle says you have a son."
"Yes…I suppose he is mine since I’m married to his mother. He is…actually he is Billy’s baby. I wanted his child."
"I see. Your wife had him for you."
"It all sounds rather strange, I know. I am married to both of them."
"How convenient. That does not cause problems?"
"If it does they do not reach me."
"Are you not happy, Blaine?"
He shook his head slightly. "At times I am blissfully happy and other times I am smothering underneath it all and that is why I am here in London. I never had a family until now. I yearned for one. What I had was Ali. That is what you came upon in the park. His number is still in my phone and I accidently brought it up. The full horror of what I have done fell upon me. I could not breathe. You took away my nightmares but still I-"
"Please…don’t." Renee touched his arm. "Give me your phone." He held out his hand and Blaine looked at him before handing it over. Renee deleted Ali from Blaine’s phone. He also added his own number before handing it back. "You see what I have done?"
"You should not have done that because you know I will call you. Even though I know it is not good for either of us."
"What can I say but that I am lonely? I know how tied you are and I can ask nothing of you. I would welcome your calls." Renee put his cup down and played with the little dog in his lap.
Blaine thought how perfect he looked in his room. Renee’s blue sweater matched the walls. Someone had loved him very much. "It wouldn’t be fair to you, Renee, and what about me? What am I going to do if I fall in love with you?"
Renee looked up quickly into his eyes. "You can’t, Blaine."
"I know."
"It’s too late for me. When you said to me, ‘the affair has already begun,’ I believed you. There…it’s out in the open now. I was only half alive after William was killed and it wasn’t until I saw you at the country house that I began to feel again."
"I do not want you sitting by the phone waiting for me to call. I cannot give you what you need and that is a partner. I cannot be that person and so you must not give up hope that will happen for you again. This is a mistake I think."
"But you will make mistakes won’t you?" Renee smiled with a light in his eyes.
Blaine set his cup and saucer on the coffee table and turned placing a hand in Renee’s hair he kissed him.
Billy picked his phone up again and then put it down. He was sitting at Blaine’s desk in his study. Five days now and he hadn’t called. The nanny had a time getting Lyssa off to school that morning. She was crying and saying she wanted her daddy to take her. He was angry with Blaine for not calling. Walking around the room a few times he pocketed his phone and went to find Mandi.
"Mandi, I’ve decided to go to London and find out what’s up with Blaine."
"Have you called him?"
"No, and I’m not going to. I know what building his uncle lives in. I’ll find him. Will you be all right here?"
"Yes, of course." She looked at Billy wide eyed.
"I think we’ve waited long enough. I…I can’t do this, Mandi. What have you to do today?"
"Willy has a doctor’s appointment but I can manage on my own. I’m going to try and get him switched over to formula and I know his doctor is not going to like that."
"Do what you like about that. If you want to continue nursing then do it. I’m going to pack a bag and I’ll be staying at our flat. Don’t worry, love, I’ll sort him out."
Billy drove his own vehicle into London. He’d personally never cared much for Ali Hassan but he had made him independent of Blaine as far as money went. Billy was careful with his money and had a team at his bank invest it for him. Blaine still paid him a salary but he wasn’t a paid servant. He took that role because it suited him to look after Blaine. He stayed with him because he loved him. Blaine was treating him badly right now and he wanted to know why. Parking his car in the underground lot at his flat he took his bag upstairs and went back down and asked the doorman to call a cab for him.
He found the apartment building and also found that Trevor Blaine was out of the country.
Blaine spent the night with Renee and a restful sweet morning with him. They were seated at the piano and Renee was teaching him the piece he wrote for him.
"My fingers do not work."
"Then play the right hand…this" he showed him what to do.
"I should write you one."
"Do you write music?"
"No," he chuckled, "I could paint it though. I will paint for you."
His phone on the coffee table vibrated. A few minutes later it vibrated again and Renee noticed it. "Your phone is ringing."
"I should answer it, it might be home." He went over and picked it up. Billy’s number was showing.
"Billy?"
"Blaine. Where are you?"
"Is everything all right?"
"That depends. Babies and Mandi are healthy. Where are you?"
"I’m at a friend’s house…where are you?"
"Standing in front of your uncle’s building. Your uncle who’s out of the country."
"In London…are you angry?"
"I think I am."
Blaine turned to Renee, "Do you mind if he comes here, it’s Billy?" Renee shook his head slightly.
"You had better come around then." He gave him the address.
"Do you think that’s wise, Blaine? He is your partner isn’t he?"
"Among other things, yes."
Part 3
Blaine was nervous waiting for Billy to arrive. He lit a cigarette and walked out to Renee’s sunroom. That Billy was here in London looking for him…that he was angry…put him in an awkward position.
"You may be right, Renee, it was probably not a good idea to bring him here. I don’t want to live my life in shadows. I’m not that kind of man. I don’t know what will happen when he gets here. I’m sorry to-"
"Don’t be sorry; you wanted to stay here last night and I’m glad you did. You were in quite a state when I found you but now you’re up on your feet. It will be all right…I can disappear if you’d like."
"No, no it is your house and I’m glad I have seen it and spent this time with you. I do not regret it, Renee. I have no idea what is going to happen with me from day to day anymore. You see why I am no good for you."
Renee kissed him, "There’s the door…I’ll decide what is good for me." He left Blaine in the sunroom.
Renee opened the door and recognized him as the man in the hallway at the hospital. He was a tall handsome man. "You must be Billy. I’m Renee Blevin. Please come in."
"I’ve seen you before at the hospital when we got back from Beirut."
"Yes, that’s right. I was a prisoner there at that time. It was my uncle’s house, you know?"
"No, I didn’t know." Billy followed him inside and he too noticed the décor and thought it striking. Renee was a nice enough fellow, good looking with a ready smile but he wondered about him and what Blaine was doing there.
"He’s in the sunroom…this way."
Blaine looked up at him and smiled a little, "Hello, Billy."
"Blaine."
"Would you like something to drink, Billy?"
"No thanks, Renee," Billy answered.
"Well…I’ll leave you two then."
Billy saw the look that passed between them and he knew and it hurt. "What are you doing here?"
"Visiting a friend. Why have you come to London looking for me?"
"Its day five if you’re counting, which I was. You can’t call home?"
"Were you worried about me?"
"I thought you might have worried about us but I see you’ve been busy, probably too busy to think about anybody else. You didn’t have to lie about staying with your uncle. Don’t start lying to me."
"I did not lie. Uncle Trevor left yesterday morning. I met Renee in a park by accident."
"It’s no accident today is it?"
"No it isn’t."
"Well then…that’s honest enough." Billy stood up.
"Billy."
"I’ve had enough." He walked out.
Billy set off up the sidewalk with his eyes smarting and his chin trembling. He was nearly to the corner when he heard Blaine.
"Billy, Billy, I can’t run after you…wait."
Billy stopped and turned around. Blaine was half way up the block. "You wouldn’t run if you could." He shouted back.
"You are wrong."
"Go back to your new friend…there will always be somebody else." He continued on and crossed the street.
"Billy, please wait for me." Blaine walked as best he could to the corner and stopped. Billy was headed for the park. He cursed his back, his legs and his hand as he crossed the street.
Billy came to a tall black wrought iron fence and grabbed it resting his forehead on the hard bars. All the pain and misery he felt overflowed down his face. He tried desperately to get himself under control. He was in a public place and people were passing giving him odd looks. He didn’t know how long he’d been standing there grasping the bars when he heard Blaine’s cane and the halting step that followed. He didn’t turn around.
Blaine was in pain too but it was a physical pain that paled his face. He dropped his canes and grabbed onto the fence beside of Billy.
"Billy, please…don’t."
"Leave me alone."
"I cannot. You mean too much to me."
"Not enough…you want to be free…go…go away from me. I want to be free too…free of you."
"You’ll never be free of me."
Billy knew it was true. He hunched his shoulders for a minute and straightened up. "I’m not doing this anymore, Blaine. I’m not running around after you anymore. I don’t care where you go or who you go with. There will always be somebody else...Ali and Nantes and now Renee. I don’t know who else and I don’t want to know."
"I never promised to be faithful but I love you, Billy. You know me as well as anyone does. You know what I am."
"You don’t know what you are. You want one thing and then another. You think we’re going to sit at home while you go about doing what you want to…visiting friends when you feel like it. You slept with him. You can have him and all the rest of them. I never promised you anything. I’m done."
"You do not mean what you are saying. We have shared much you and me. We are not going to end it here in St. James Park. Please…let us go from here. We can find a cab and go back to Uncle Trevor’s flat and talk there."
"I’m talked out." He pushed away from the fence and looked at Blaine. "You don’t know what love is. You haven’t a clue." He reached down and picked up Blaine’s canes and handed them to him. "I’ll clear out my things from the house. Good bye, Blaine."
Blaine stared at his back as he walked away. He couldn’t believe it and didn’t. Billy would be back…he wouldn’t leave him like this. He leaned heavily into the fence and looked around. He had to get out of here. He fumbled for his phone and called a cab. If he could just make it back to the curb. Grabbing his canes he set out stumbling along in blind pain. It was physical and mental now.
Once he got to his uncle’s flat he went straight for his medicine bag, took four pain killers and fell out on his bed. He wouldn’t think about it…he wouldn’t…it wasn’t happening. His whole world was spinning out of control. Finally the pain medicine took him into blackness.
Billy sat on the sofa in his flat and from time to time he took a drink from the bottle in front of him. He wanted oblivion but the phone kept ringing on the coffee table. It was Mandi blowing up his phone but he didn’t want to talk to her right now. He didn’t want to talk to anyone. It had just gone too far. Everything…too far.
Mandi threw the phone down on the sofa. Neither David nor Billy would answer their phones. She was beginning to worry because it wasn’t like Billy not to answer her. She felt frustrated and trapped. Any other day she would have gotten in her car and gone to London to find out what was going on but she couldn’t. Willy had a slight cold and she hadn’t put him on formula. Lyssa was home and without her daddy or Billy she couldn’t go off and leave her. Trapped…
She checked her watch and it was just after 9:00 PM. was it too late to call? She called Margret Langston.
"No, no it’s not too late. I was only sitting here reading. How are you, dear?"
"I’m upset; Margret and I don’t know what to do. I need some help."
"Of course, what sort of help do you need?"
Margret arrived at 7:00 AM and at once became alarmed at finding the door to Trevor Blaine’s flat partially open. She went in cautiously and closed it behind her. A man’s jacket lay crumpled on the sofa and the coffee table, a light weight affair, was sitting at an odd angle. She was not aware that Trevor wasn’t there or that she would find Blaine at all. She checked the first bedroom and found it empty, bed made and everything set about in order the second bedroom was open and there in the middle of the bed, fully clothed, lay Blaine.
Her eyes went to the medicine bottle by the bed and something inside of her tightened up. The pills were strewn about the table and a glass of water sat beside of them. She looked at the labeling and bent over and lightly felt him. He was warm and she breathed a sigh of relief. She picked up his canes and leaned them against the bedside table and quietly left him.
In the kitchen she looked out the tea things and while the kettle boiled she went over and picked up the jacket. A phone and a wallet. It was Blaine’s…no sign of Trevor. She straightened the jacket out and lay it across the back of the sofa. A set of keys lay on the floor and she picked them up and put the coffee table right.
With a cup of tea she went back to the bedroom. He hadn’t shifted and she wondered if he had moved all night. He didn’t look comfortable but she dared not touch him though her fingers itched to brush his hair back off his brow. She cared much for Mandi but this one she loved. He and his little girl were her adopted son and granddaughter. Mandi told her what had happened before he left and she was anxious to hear his side of things. As she watched him signs of life were coming back. He moved a hand, his lips moved and he drew his knees up. She backed out of the room to let him come to himself.
His eyes were sticky and his mouth dry. His body felt heavy when he tried to move. Too heavy to move. He blinked again and realized where he was. As his mind began to work he tried to get back into that fuzzy darkness pulling a pillow against his face. It wouldn’t leave him alone and kept throwing up images of Billy’s face and the iron bars. Somehow he’d got the bars between them so that he was looking at him through the bars. He tried to clear his throat…thirsty…he was so thirsty.
He threw the pillow away and tried to sit up. Dizziness and nausea threatened and he went still holding onto the blankets hoping it would pass. There was a cup of tea sitting by his bed.
"Billy?" he called out, "Billy, is that you?"
Margret came to the door, "No, Blaine, it’s me."
"I thought Billy had come." He tried to swallow. "I am going to be sick."
Margret grabbed the trash bin and set it beside the bed. She went to the bathroom and got a wet cloth.
"Hold this on your forehead. How many pills did you take?"
"I do not know…so dizzy."
"Try a sip of water."
"How are you here?"
"Mandi called me. She was worried about you and Billy because neither of you would answer a phone."
"I have to find him…he…he left me."
"Have another sip…there you go now just lean back on the bed. I’ll put some pillows behind you. When did you take the pills?"
"When I got here…what time is it?"
"It’s just half past seven."
"Morning?"
"Yes, dear, it’s morning. When did you last eat?"
"Too many questions."
"That may be so but when did you eat?"
"Breakfast."
"Yesterday…was it still daylight when you took the pills?"
"I think so."
"Try some tea, just a little and see if it stays down. You’re sick because you took probably too many pills on an empty stomach. I’ll make you some toast. Sit quietly until I get back. Where is your uncle?" she paused at the door.
"He left for work two days ago." He rested his head on the headboard of the bed and felt miserable.
Where had he been? She wondered as she went into the kitchen to make toast and a fresh cup of tea for him. When she came back he was across the foot of the bed about to fall off.
"Here, what are you doing?"
"I need to go to the bathroom."
She put the toast and tea down and grabbed him around the waist. "Come on I can take your weight."
"Do you want to sit?’
He turned and looked her in the eye, "I stand to pee."
"Oh, well then." She left him to it. When the door opened she helped him back to the bed. "What have you done to yourself, Blaine?"
"Walked too far too fast."
"Why did you do that?"
"I was trying to get to Billy. We had…an argument. You haven’t heard from him? Has Mandi?"
"If you wanted to know what Mandi’s heard why haven’t you called her? Really, Blaine, your total disregard for others is unacceptable. You don’t call and that’s the biggest problem with her. That’s why Billy came to look for you."
"I really don’t want to hear this." He sat down and reached for the tea.
"Well, you’re going to hear it from me."
"You don’t know…you don’t understand."
"Tell me so I will know. I want to know why you’re here in London instead of home with your family."
Part 4
Billy woke on the sofa and as he sat up and his stomach turned upside down he made a dash for the bathroom. A little while later cleaned up and showered he came out wrapped in a towel and made a cup of instant coffee to wash down the aspirin he found in the bathroom. He felt like he had a head full of drumming monkeys. There wasn’t any food in the flat except for canned vegetables and soups. He closed the cupboard door knowing he was going to have to go out.
He took his coffee to the sofa noting the empty liquor bottle on the coffee table. He checked his phone and Mandi had called four times but nothing from Blaine. He handled the phone for a minute and called Mandi.
"Hello, love."
"Billy tell me what’s going on."
"I’m…I’m not sure right now. I found him not at his uncle’s like he said but at a fellow named Renee Blevin’s house. He’d been there…with him. We had a bit of an argument and I left him. I’m…out, Mandi, I can’t take this kind of shit any longer."
"Billy, what are you talking about?"
"I mean I’m leaving him. I’m tired of playing back-up with him. He wants to be a free man to do what he likes …he’s free of me. It’s up to you what you do about him, if anything."
"No, no, Billy you can’t leave."
"I don’t want to leave you, Mandi, and Willy. I’ll never be his father but I thought I might be a part of his life. We’ll have to work out something…maybe. I’m sorry, love. If you’ll pack up my clothes for me I’ll send someone around for them. I’m not coming back."
"I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Billy…please."
"Don’t get upset now. I’ll be all right…I’m here at the flat and…about to go out for some breakfast and shopping."
Mandi was crying and unable to talk.
"Mandi, I’ll stay in touch with you and maybe you can bring Willy here sometime. It will be all right…you’ll see. It’s better this way"
"No, it’s not better. What about me? I can’t stand it. I called Margret Langston last night and she’s gone to Trevor’s this morning."
"Have you heard from her?"
"No."
"Trevor’s not there he’s gone back to the Middle East…if Blaine is to be believed. I have no idea where he is. I left him in St. James Park and he hasn’t called. He may be back with his…friend for all I know."
"Oh, damn it I wish I was there. I’d find him and…I don’t know what I’d do. Billy don’t think this is permanent. I won’t let you go…I won’t. I love you too much."
"I love you too, Mandi, and it’s not easy, you know? I’ll call you later and let me know if you need me or anything."
"I will…I need you already. I’m going to call Margret now."
Margret sat on the side of his bed while he slowly ate his toast and sipped his tea. He told her why he left home and to her it sounded like he was jealous of the baby, he wasn’t the center of attention any longer, the baby took Mandi’s attention and Billy’s. As he talked she thought it might go deeper than that. He was a complicated man and what might first appear to be the case often wasn’t.
He told her about the park and the panic attack.
"Is that the first time you’ve experienced an attack?"
"Yes. Nothing like that before. It was only when Renee appeared that I felt it beginning to slip away. It frightened me because I couldn’t breathe and the pain I felt in my chest. I went home with Renee and he made tea. I spent the night with him…I slept with him." He looked up at her holding her gaze for a moment.
"I knew it was a mistake and told him so beforehand. He didn’t seem to care."
"Well he wouldn’t would he? He’s not the one with a wife and children in the country."
"I started an affair with him when I was at the estate. I only agreed to go on the mission to rescue my uncle if Sir Brennan would have the charges dropped against Renee."
"Are you in love with him?"
"I could easily be."
"What sort of charges were against him?"
"Treason but it wasn’t. He was manipulated by Ali. He was imprisoned there by his uncle. His uncle is Sir Brennan. I knew Renee when I was in school. He’s in love with me."
"Ah, Blaine, I said once before there are some men who are not meant to marry and I’ll stand by that now. You’ve married twice and both times you’ve slipped over the edge and caused heartache. Sooner or later you’ve got to figure out who you are and be that person. Mandi loves you too. You’ve got to know which love is stronger in you. What of Billy? What happened there?"
"He came looking for me and called me from here. I told him to come around to Renee’s and he did. He became upset over Renee and left. I went after him. He’s hurt…I’ve hurt him and he’s left me."
"For good? I find that hard to believe. What have you done about it?"
"I have done nothing. By the time I got back here I was in such pain I couldn’t think. I took the pills."
"You’ve made a right mess of it haven’t you?" She picked up his plate and cup and took it to the kitchen sink.
He reckoned he had. He sat in the bed with his knees drawn up and his forehead resting on his arms.
She came back and sat down again. "Listen, Blaine, I love you too. I know you once said I shouldn’t but it was too late. I love you like a son and your Lyssa is as close to a grandchild as I’ll ever have. I can’t tell you what to do. You’re a grown man and have to make up your own mind. You once told me you never had a family until now and were so happy that you did; however unorthodox it is. You are a married man. What you do with Renee is not right. I don’t care how open your marriage is. Mandi is your wife and she has a right to expect certain things from you. She has a right to you. She already shares you with Billy."
"I also share her with him. Willy is not my child. When we married I said I wanted to have his baby. They have become very close."
"You put them together what did you expect? Are you afraid of losing her to him?"
"I may already have. She belongs to them now."
"Them? Why have you cut yourself out of the triangle?"
"I don’t know. I don’t feel a part of them anymore."
"What about Billy?"
"I never thought anything would come between us. I love him."
"Still you hurt him…deliberately…yes you did. By flaunting Renee in his face you hurt him. Shame on you, Blaine. What were you trying to do? He’s devoted to you."
"He has left me."
"Do you blame him? How much do you think they are going to take? More than likely Mandi will be next and then what? Are you trying to drive them away so you can go to Renee?"
"No, I do not want to drive them away."
"Why do you do things like this? You were the happiest I’ve seen you when I came down before Willy was born and even afterwards when Trevor was there. You had it all, Blaine. Don’t you want it?"
He looked up at her with his eyes full of tears. "I kill what I love."
She put her arms around him, "Oh, you poor tortured soul." She felt him resist at first and then he relaxed into her. "Is that what’s at the bottom of all this? I thought you’d come to terms with that." She hugged him a little tighter. "All around you is love. You won’t kill me with it. Stop torturing yourself, love. You did what had to be done. You protected the most important thing in your life and that was Mandi and your Billy’s baby. What you loved in Ali was already gone. He’d been unmasked and if you hadn’t acted then all would have been lost including you. He was already dead…you said that yourself. You’d already grieved for him and buried him." She pulled away from him and kissed his cheek.
"You have your good memories of him. Put the rest away. You’ve suffered enough in your life."
"I have tried but still I know this hand took the life from him. I do not think of it all the time. It comes out of the air. It came hard when I was in the park."
"Blaine, don’t take this the wrong way, have you ever thought you might need some sort of counseling?"
"I am not insane."
"Now see there, you went right to what I said not to do. No, I don’t think you’re crazy. I think you are a very talented and intelligent man. You’ve had a difficult life and your injuries don’t make it any easier. There is nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it. If your hand started up again you’d go see your doctor. I think your mind acts up now and again. It’s part of your body like everything else. It just needs a different doctor."
"You make it sound so easy so normal."
"Well, it is. Half the world is in some kind of analysis. There goes my phone it’s probably Mandi. Do you want to talk to her?" She rose from the bed.
"No, I don’t."
"That’s the other thing isn’t it?"
"Hello, Mandi, dear. I’m here at Trevor’s flat and he’s here. He’s had a rather bad time of it and isn’t feeling very good right now."
"What‘s wrong, Margret?"
"A lot of things and he hasn’t any answers yet. Give him a little time and I know he’ll call you."
"I’m thinking about that. I had a call from Billy. He intends to leave us. He wants me to pack his clothes and he’s going to send someone down for them. David’s got a boyfriend." She snubbed back her tears.
"I’m not so sure he does. We’ve had a little talk and we’re not through yet. If you can just be patient for a little while longer. Let him come to himself."
"My patience is about on its last knot in the rope. He has responsibilities here and he’s not keeping up his end. He has a daughter here that needs him. I need him but he won’t give himself to us. I don’t know what to do. I’m trapped here in this house. I want to be with him and I can’t. I’ve been trapped for a year now. This is not what I thought my marriage to him was going to be."
"What did you think it was to be?"
"We would be together and loving each other. He’s there in London loving someone else."
Margret sighed and closed her eyes. "He’s here in bed not in somebody else’s, Mandi. Is Billy where you said he would be?"
"Yes but you promised not to tell him."
"I’m not going to. Have a rest, dear, and I’ll call you later when I have something else to tell you."
Blaine was standing leaning against the doorway to his bedroom when she folded her phone. "Where is Billy?"
Part 5
Billy was putting away his shopping. He’d been trying not to think all morning but at odd moments, behind the boxes of tea bags in the shop, in the dairy cooler Blaine kept coming up. Every time he thought of him his eyes stung. He’d never loved anyone before Blaine and he reckoned he wouldn’t ever again. Except for Mandi. An unlikely pairing if there ever was one. But he’d come to love her and their baby. Who would have ever thought he’d father a child. He closed the fridge door and plugged in the kettle.
He was at a loss as to what to do about her. If she left Blaine there was no question but that he’d take her. Somehow they’d make a life with Willy. If she’d come. He didn’t really think she’d leave him. She was more tolerant than he was about certain things. He wondered if she’d feel that way if Renee was a woman.
He made his tea and took the mug into the living room. Rather drab, he thought it needed fixing up a bit. They hadn’t done much to it. Maybe some decorating, new furniture…could do with a new rug. It was half Mandi’s maybe she’d sell him the other half. She probably wouldn’t need it now and if she did she would be welcome to stay.
"I can’t tell you where Billy is. You might call Mandi and ask her. I’ve promised and I won’t say even for you. Why don’t you call him?" Margret lifted her chin.
"I…I do not know what to say to anyone."
"You haven’t made up your mind yet which way you want to go is that it?"
He didn’t answer and she took that as a yes.
"I wonder if it might be possible for me to meet with Renee and have a little chat?"
"Why would you want to do that? He is apart from all this."
"I beg your pardon, he is not. Right now he’s in the center of it. He’s obviously someone you care a great deal about. I’d like to meet him…as your adopted mother."
"I am not sure he would want to see you."
"Call him and find out or have you acquired a phone phobia today?"
He turned his head back toward the bedroom. "You like to boss me today…I do not know where my phone is."
Margret brought him his phone and went back to wash up the breakfast things. She could hear him on the phone but not what he was saying. It was her desire to do what was best for Blaine and that’s why she wanted to meet Renee. He would do what he wanted of course but she had no problem voicing her opinion whether he liked it or not.
She’d come to care for Mandi as she’d settled down after they married. She never had a problem with Billy because he loved Blaine and it was evident in everything he did for him. Blaine had treated him badly and she hoped he might make amends there.
"Margret…he will see you."
She dried her hands and went to the bedroom. "When?"
"Anytime, he will be in all day. Call a cab and this is his address." He handed her a piece of paper.
"Miss Langston, I’m Renee, please come in." He was intrigued with her. Blaine’s adopted mother. She wasn’t what he expected. She was tall and slim with a mass of gray hair pulled back carelessly at the nape of her neck. He face was lightly tanned and free of makeup but her gray eyes were alive and arresting. She was a handsome woman.
"Thank you for seeing me, Renee."
Her eye for color took in the lovely rooms as he led her to the sunroom.
"I thought we might have tea out here. Excuse the mess I’ve been playing in my plants."
"Repotting I see." She moved over to his worktable. "You’ll want to divide this one." She couldn’t help herself when it came to plants.
"Will I? I’m afraid I don’t know that much about them, I just try to keep them alive."
"Sorry, I’m a horticulturist and it comes natural to me." She sat down at the round table he’d covered with a bright pink cloth. "You have a lovely home, Renee."
"Thank you; I’ll just be a minute with the tea."
The sunroom was warm and filled with plants. He had a lily blooming and its scent filled the air. All about her was color. She thought Blaine must have loved this…with his eye for beauty. He was back in a bit with a tray. It was nicely done she thought.
"Will you be mother?"
She smiled, "I will." She poured out their tea.
"I’m glad you’ve come."
"Are you? You don’t know why I’m here."
"It’s about Blaine."
"Yes it is. I wanted to meet you since he cares for you. He’s got himself in a pickle right now. He’s upset his household."
"I didn’t mean for that to happen. I said he shouldn’t have asked Billy to come here but he wanted to be open about everything."
"It was a cruel thing for him to have done. Billy’s left him now and whether he stays gone is another question. Blaine won’t call him. He hasn’t called his wife either and both are upset with him. Mandi asked me to find him and sort him out. I’m not sure which way to sort. I want what’s best for him and his daughter."
"Of course you do. I’m not trying to take him away from them. I understand he’s not free. I have to tell you I’ve known him since school. I loved him then but he was under Ali’s spell and there was no one else for him. We moved on and I met someone that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Ali had him killed as a warning to me. I was and still am devastated by my loss. I was at a point where I didn’t care what happened to me. I was arrested for treason and put in a kind of house arrest in my uncle’s estate. Do you know him? I didn’t care until Blaine arrived there. Even then I was slated for prison for the rest of my life but I was drawn to him once again.
"We began an affair. I wasn’t sure at first because I’m not one for casual relationships." He smiled, "I can’t help it if I fell in love with him."
"I’m not sure he’s one for casual relationships either and that’s what bothers me. He’s feeling a bit neglected right now. His wife’s just had a baby. It’s a natural enough occurrence and in time that will pass. He’s having problems at home and not to take away from you but that may have driven him to you."
"I’m not out to break up his home, Miss Langston."
"I don’t believe you are but that may very well be what happens. I can’t tell him what to do. He has to make up his own mind. He has a lot of problems, Renee."
"I know he does. He’s having panic attacks now over Ali. Blaine was as much his victim as anyone else. He doesn’t see that but he was. It didn’t start out that way between them but it ended that way. If Ali had been left alone with Blaine he may have been all right but he wasn’t he was forced into something he couldn’t do anything about and it poisoned him."
"You understand what’s going on with him then. I think he needs professional help but he’s a stubborn one."
"He needs a guiding hand. You see that’s what Ali was for him. He had his good side with Blaine and what he is today reflects that guidance. He wants someone to take his hand and tell him it’s all right and to make sure that it is all right for him. Blaine is a complex man."
"Oh, I know he is. That’s why this is not so cut and dried. There may not be a simple answer. He said he didn’t ever think anything would come between him and Billy but it has. I hate to see it because Billy was totally devoted to Blaine."
"He is a very nice looking man."
"He is, yes. Blaine is serious business with Billy. He looks after him and takes care of his medical needs too. He loves him completely. He was hurt yesterday."
"I’m sorry for that. I would never have hurt him. Blaine has a very strange household. He thinks it works for him but I’m not sure about that. His wife had Billy’s baby."
"Blaine wanted Billy’s child and so she had it for him."
"But Billy was Blaine’s lover."
"He’s also Mandi’s…now. It wasn’t that way for a long time but it is now. He’s created something he can’t control. He wants it all, Renee, but when he gets it he doesn’t know what to do with it."
Margret just noticed the little dog when he moved. "Oh, and who is this?"
"That’s Sampson." He called the dog over to him. "Come and say hello, Sam."
"He’s minding his manners today."
"He’s a darling." Margret picked him up and petted him. "Do you do his hair?"
"No, I have it done." Renee watched her with the dog. He liked her very much.
"You asked if I knew your uncle, Sir Brennan. I once helped him take some trees out a long time ago. I’m afraid I know the secret hideout."
Renee laughed.
"Well, I should be going. I’ve enjoyed talking with you and getting to know you a little. I appreciate your seeing me."
"I’m happy to know you and whatever happens I hope to see you again. You can help me with my plants."
"You can’t afford me, young man." She smiled and handed Sam over to him.
"Would you like for me to call you a cab?" Renee walked with her into the blue and white room where she paused.
"I think I’d like to walk for awhile. Thank you." She touched his arm and had a last pet for Sam.
Margret threw her shoulder bag on and with her hands in her pockets she set out for the park. The more she walked and thought about Blaine the more complicated it became. She could see his attraction to Renee. He was an attractive man and one she wouldn’t mind getting to know. He knew and understood Blaine perhaps better than she did. Blaine’s dilemma was beginning to clear in her mind.
By the time she got back to Trevor’s flat Blaine had bathed and got himself dressed. He looked up at her with an expectant and questioning look in his eyes. She gazed at him a moment and sat down in a chair opposite him.
"I’m very impressed with him."
He let out a breath.
"We got on fine. He has a lovely home that he takes care of rather well."
"Did he tell you that William did that for him? William decorated it?"
"No but he did touch on William. Blaine, I got the impression that he wants to fill an empty space in his life. He’s not one of your one nighters and I’m not saying you go in for that sort of thing because I don’t believe that you do. He has a great affection for you and right now he’s kind of sitting back…waiting. What you do about him is up to you. I can’t and won’t help you there."
"Margret, I’ve been here before. I made the choice to go home and I am back here again at the same crossroad. I love my family but it’s not enough. I don’t know why that is. There could not be a more loving and beautiful woman than Mandi. She puts up with me and my ways. She had a baby for me because I wanted it. Something has changed between us. I cannot make love to her. I told my uncle of this and he said to give it time. I do not have a problem with Billy or with Renee."
He looked down at his hands running his fingers over his scarred left hand. "What you said earlier…that I should never have married…I believe it is true. I wanted a family…a wife and children…a home. Some semblance of normal…something solid to ground me. Charlie gave me that but she could not accept the other side of me. Mandi is nothing like Charlie she is very open to anything. I made a mistake with her, Margret. I tried to make her Lyssa’s mother. "
"May I say something? When you and Charlie were living together as man and wife you were living straight. The problem arose when Ali appeared. I think if it were only you and Mandi things might be different. If it were only you and Billy things might be different. You’ve…manipulated them and created something you can’t live with. Is that not so? Maybe you didn’t mean to or realize what you were doing. They love you and would do anything you asked."
He looked away and thought of Billy. He had used him. He could see that now and he wasn’t proud of himself for what he’d done. Because of him Mandi had a baby. He hadn’t asked her if she wanted it. He thought of her the way she’d been when he met her. She hadn’t painted his toenails in a long time. He’d gotten her pregnant through Billy. Billy who was never keen on a threesome.
"Oh, Margret, what a hell I have made. I took two beautiful people and I have destroyed them."
"I wouldn’t go that far."
"I would. I changed them from what they were. Do you know Billy did not sleep with women? I did it for my own pleasure, my own amusement. Oh, God." He hid his face in his hands. "Billy said I didn’t know what love was. I thought I did. I loved Ali completely but now I have twisted it and used it and have killed it."
Margret felt his anguish but at least he was being honest with himself at last. She moved over on the sofa beside of him and held him. "You learned many good things from Ali but this was not one of his finest lessons. He was very good at manipulating people. You’re better than this, Blaine. At least you recognize what it is and I doubt you will ever make this mistake again.
"Now then, get yourself together and I’ll take you to lunch. You’re up to it aren’t you?"
"Yes, thank you."
"How’s your back now?"
"It is still sore but I can walk. Margret, thank you for coming to me today. I don’t know what I would do without you."
"Ahh, you don’t have to wonder because I’m not going anywhere." She gave him an assist from the sofa.
Part 6
It was mid afternoon and still Blaine had not called. Mandi walked with her phone in her hand all day. Lyssa was gone with the nanny to have her hair trimmed. Fish was finishing up dinner and then she’d be gone too. Billy was gone and somehow that mattered to her as much as David being away. She’d come to depend on Billy to shore her up when David washed over her. At least she knew where he was thanks to Margret but Margret wasn’t necessarily on her side. She never had been. David was her baby.
She thought about taking Willy and going to Billy. He said she was welcome…she could go to him. There was something holding her back. Regardless of what he said he had his own problems now. He might not want her and a baby in the flat, not that he’d ever say anything. He was like that. Poor Billy. Did he really intend to leave them or was it something he’d done in the heat of the moment. He’d been angry and hurt and rightfully so. She was angry and hurt too and afraid. Afraid David wasn’t coming back to her.
She sat down in a chair in the front parlor. What if he didn’t? She’d never worried about him leaving her for someone else but that someone else had always been a woman in her mind. This was more serious. Without having met the man or knowing anything about him she was seeing him as a threat to her marriage. It was Billy’s reaction to the situation that alarmed her. It was serious.
Billy was walking along the waterfront trying to put things in perspective. There had always been that danger because he knew Blaine so well. He was never satisfied at least not for long. He couldn’t settle at the house for more than a few months at a time. He was a restless spirit looking for something, especially since Ali died. He hadn’t been the same since he’d been abducted and taken out to the country. Now he thought he knew why. He remembered Renee checking on Blaine when he’d come back. He hadn’t thought anything of it at the time but now he realized something had been going on between them for some time.
He couldn’t handle it. There was himself to think about and it was about bloody time he did. When his mind went there he thought about Mandi and the baby. Right now he didn’t know what to do about them. Mandi was pretty independent and may not want to stay with him. That was something they would have to work out between them if it came to it. If she left him…if he’d let her go.
All day he kept his phone handy just in case he called, not that he would even answer the call if it came. What would they talk about? There was nothing to say. He’d already said good-bye. Blaine was right about one thing, he’d never be rid of him. He’d always be there inside. He stopped and looked out across the River Thames. Well…that was it.
Margret and Blaine had a nice lunch at a little café near the apartment building. Nothing of the current problem was discussed. They talked of gardening and jobs she had coming up and the help from him she was counting on. When they arrived back at the flat Margret was ready to go home before the traffic got so bad getting out of London.
"When is it not bad?" He asked.
"I came in before daylight this morning and still the streets were full of commuters. I hate to leave you, Blaine, but I think you’re ready to do some deep thinking."
"I am not sure about that but I must. It is time I stopped tearing people’s lives apart and let them live and be who they are."
"I hope that includes yourself."
"It does." He hugged her, "I love you, Margret, and do not let that scare you." He smiled and kissed her.
"I don’t scare easily. Call me and let me know what you decide. Whatever it is I’m behind you."
After Margret left he settled on the sofa and lit a cigarette. He sat quietly thinking about his situation. He tried looking ahead with Mandi and Billy if he’d come back. He tried looking ahead with Renee. He thought about Billy and yes he did love him how could he not? If the two of them lived together…Billy had been right…there would always be someone else. Billy was good company but not what he needed. He was too subservient. He let him lead all the time and it wasn’t his fault that was just his way. He would always be a man’s man but never the man at least with him. He thought about Billy on his own and doubted if he’d be on his own for long. He was too good looking and too sexy to be loose.
He didn’t much think Billy and Mandi would stay together. Mandi…
He sat for a long time looking off into space thinking about her and then he called Renee.
Blaine opened the door, "I would have come to you."
"It’s easier for me. How are you?"
"I am okay. Come in and sit. Would you like a drink? I think there is beer."
"No thank you." Renee sat down in a chair. Blaine went to the sofa and offered him a cigarette. "You’ve been at this for awhile." He looked at the ashtray.
"I have," he sat down and rested his canes against the coffee table. "I wanted to talk to you and now I am a little nervous."
"Don’t be."
"I have been thinking until my head hurts. I have made a mess of my life. I wanted certain things and when I got them it was not enough. I wanted a home and a family. I wanted them because I never had it. I have always known that I am not like other people and that was what I was trying to accomplish. I went about it in the wrong way. What is right for one is not for another. We each have our own path to follow and only now am I beginning to see mine.
The truth is I should never have married Mandi. It is not that I do not love her because I do but I have taken her to a place she does not need to be. She was a free spirit and I have caged it…trapped it. Things will never be the same between us. The thing I loved…I destroyed.
I took Billy and tried to make him into something he is not. He is a man’s man all the way and I gave him Mandi. You see mistakes I have made. Billy said good-bye to me and he meant it. I have not tried to contact him. I owe him much for the care he has given me but I know him and I know he will take nothing from me. I love him, Renee, but he is not what I need."
"Are you going to come to me?" Renee asked quietly.
‘Would you have me? I am not unencumbered. I have Lyssa."
"You have a son also."
"I don’t know about him. I think Mandi will not let him go he is only eight weeks old."
Renee smiled, "Would I have you? What a question to ask me. I have been waiting for you. I will have you and whoever you bring with you. My life is an empty box that needs filling or I will cease to exist. You are serious don’t’ let me think something that is not so."
"I am very serious."
"You will live with me? I have plenty of room there are three bedrooms and a box room upstairs and a cellar and attics. I closed it all off after William was killed and moved downstairs. I can open it up again we can make bedrooms for your children…they will be our children."
His face was lit up in smiles and Blaine had to smile back at him as he went about planning how they would live in his house.
"I can buy a new house if you’d like. We could do anything, Renee."
"I like my house and would like to stay. I came into it through my uncle. Back in the day when country folk had town houses this one was our family’s. It’s mine now. Blaine, you don’t know how happy you have made me." He got up and went over to the sofa and kissed him.
"There is also Lyssa’s dog." Blaine kissed him back.
"Sam will be happy for the company. He missed Delilah and for days he would go and look for her and bark." He settled against Blaine.
"You’re sure you don’t mind about Lyssa. Nothing will be the same in your life ever again."
"I hope not. You don’t know what it’s been. This may be very delicate but have you talked to Mandi?"
"I’m going to see her tomorrow. This may come as a shock to her and again it may not. I am sure she has talked to Billy. I have no desire to hurt her any more than I already have. You will have to be patient with me for awhile."
"I have all the patience in the world for you and will do anything to help you through this transition. I know this is not easy for you."
"It is not going to be easy for you either. I feel like this is the right thing for me to do. I have had periods of extreme happiness with Mandi and Billy and I have felt empty and restless. I am not so easy to live with but I will try to make you happy, Renee."
"There is only one thing I ask of you and I think you know what it is. We have touched on it, Blaine, but if I make a commitment to you I expect the same from you."
"I can make that commitment to you. I need you in my life more than you know."
Mandi was on pins and needles waiting for David to appear. He’d called early and said he was coming to talk to her about the future. She’d already gone through several scenarios in her mind but the one that stayed was that he was coming to tell her it was over. Otherwise, she thought, he’d just be coming home and he didn’t say he was coming home. She’d dissected everything he said. She’d had a long talk with Billy afterwards. He was definitely out of the picture now and going to try and put his life back together. She thought she might be facing the same thing and put a call into Cramer requesting a job…any job. He told her to come and see him.
She fed the baby and put him down in his basket in the front parlor.
Blaine arrived at half past ten and she opened the door to him.
"Hello, Mandi," he said as he came through.
"David, are you okay?"
"Yes, I am."
"Where do you want to talk?"
"How is Lyssa is she here?"
"She’s at school until two." He should know that, she thought.
"This is good." He stopped in the front parlor and bent over the basket. "He’s a fine boy."
"He has a little cold. I had him to the doctor and he has some drops to take."
"Ah," he turned toward her and then sat down.
She saw something in his eyes and pulled her armor tight around her. "You’re leaving me aren’t you?"
He blinked and took a breath, "I’ve met someone, Mandi, and yes I think it’s time we ended this."
"That’s a little blunt…THIS? This is a marriage or was supposed to be but it hasn’t been has it?"
"No it hasn’t. It was a mistake and I think you know it too. I have done you a great wrong and sorry does not cover it. I feel like I have taken a beautiful exotic flower and tried to make a squash out of it. I have wronged you in so many ways. I want to set you free of me. I have loved you and I will always love you. No one has ever painted my nails green before and never will again."
"I knew this was coming and so I am somewhat prepared as best you can when your life is about to tear apart. What will you do?"
"I am going to live in London you can stay here if you want to-"
"Oh, no I don’t want to. I don’t’ want to live in your house. If I’m going to be free of you then I will be with no reminders except those I can’t toss out like my heart that you took and just handed me back. I’ll go."
"Go where, where will you go, how will you live? I will take care of you, Mandi."
"I’ll go back where you found me. You don’t have to take care of me I can support myself."
"I want to…you will need things."
"The only thing I need from you I can’t have."
"I am sorry, Mandi."
"What about Lyssa?"
"I will take her with me."
She felt her lip trembling and turned away from him walking to the end of the room.
"You can do what you like if you want a divorce. There is no easy way to do this. I have caused you enough pain. Right now I am staying at Uncle Trevor’s flat."
"It’s not a she is it, it’s a he?"
"Renee is a man."
"I never thought that would happen but I should have. I don’t know what to say, David. I…I love you. No one has ever touched me the way you have. When I first saw you beautiful and broken…oh." She stopped herself and blinked her tears away.
"It was something very special we had. I’d never met anyone like you."
She lost it and came over to him and knelt by his chair, "Can’t we try again, just us. I can’t lose you, David." She put her head on his thigh and cried.
"Oh, Mandi." He felt tears down his cheeks. "It is not good for us. I am so sorry I have done this to you. I should have left you alone. I can’t be what you want me to be I have to be what I am."
She looked up at him, "You tried for nearly a year until I came back. I shouldn’t have. You might have been all right with Billy. I’m sorry but it hurts."
"I know I know it hurts me too. I tried, Mandi, but I can’t live like this any longer."
She wiped her eyes and got up moving to the doorway. "Billy’s bags are packed here in the hall. He said someone would come for them. Excuse me I’ve…got something to do." She ran up the stairs. Crying she began pulling out her clothes. Anger was building rapidly.
Blaine wiped his face and leaned his head back. It was bad and he knew it would be. He hated himself right now.
Willy was making noises in his basket and Blaine hooked his cane over the side and pulled it over to him. He lay his hand on the baby’s back and soothed him.
Mandi came back down the stairs humping a large bag with her and another on her shoulder.
"Mandi?"
She ran back up and came down again with a bag and placed it in the end of the basket. "His drops are in there he gets three every four hours. There’s also formula that I’ve been trying him on and he seems to take to it. His diapers and wipes are there too. He’ll be ready to eat again in about three hours."
"Mandi what are you doing? You’re leaving Willy?"
"You wanted Billy’s baby never mind what it meant for me. It took a year out of my life…for nothing. You don’t want me anymore and I won’t be trapped for the rest of my life with him. He’s yours. Good-bye, David." She pulled her luggage out of the door and slammed it behind her.
He was speechless. He never thought she’d leave her baby. As if on cue Willy began crying and he picked him up and felt around in the basket for his pacifier.
Blaine looked down at the baby. "There, Willy, you would do well to shake your fist at me."