What It Is

The direct continuation of The Mistral

Part 1

Toni stood at the bottom of the stairs, still thinking about what Jack had said before he left with John for the airport. She sighed. It just couldn’t happen, not again, not ever. He’d told her not to be surprised if suddenly she found herself with him far away from this place. Max hadn’t closed the door properly and she attended that before climbing the stairs. Terry was still recovering from the flu, a particularly nasty case of it.

"Hey, how are you this morning?"

"Hi, luv. Seems like I’m having a hard time shaking this shit." Terry pulled himself up to a sitting position against the headboard.

Toni opened the windows a little. "Maybe some fresh air. It’s nice out this morning."

"Everybody get off?"

"Um hm, Max took them. Terry, that cough is wicked."

"Coughing up muck." He reached for the water glass.

"Poor thing." She stood at the foot of his bed.

"Come and sit down." He scooted over.

Toni smiled a little. "Sit in the bed with you? Am I crazy?"

"Don’t trust me?"

"I don’t trust me. Now is not the time for me to start something else. I’m trying to be good."

"Are you afraid of him?"

"No, no, never."

"He’s a big windbag. He intimidates me about this much…I understand him, understand what he’s dealing with and he could do exactly what he said, but he’d have a fight on his hands.  Besides, he doesn’t want to do that. Come here."

She hesitated then moved slowly around the bed and sat near his feet.

"Toni, honey, I feel so rotten I can’t even get it up. You’re safe," he grinned and held out a hand.

Toni took it and moved up, still holding his hand. "You need to get well. Jacky keeps asking when you can come out of your room."

"Does he?" he smiled. "Let him in. I’m not feverish any more."

"Okay, just for a little while today. Terry, Jack’s got me worried."

"How so?"

"I’m afraid he’s going to show up one day and spirit me away, take me back into his world again, and if he does then all hell will break loose."

"Toni, you do have some control over what happens to you. Tell him to fuck off."

Toni looked up with a grin. "I can see me telling Jack that now."

"You don’t have to go with him…that’s it, isn’t it? You want to."

Toni looked away for a moment. "Not really I don’t…oh, sometimes I hate being me.  Why can’t I just say that to all of you except Max? I don’t want to be this way. I’m perfectly fine here with Max. I don’t sit around and think about the rest of you…until you come around and then it’s me…it’s me that’s fucked."

"Not this time lady." He pulled her hand up and kissed the back of it.

Toni smiled. She liked times like this with Terry. They were so comfortable with each other and could say anything without worrying about how the other would take it. It was like that with Max, too. She was at home with both of them.

"I came to see if you wanted anything. Some more drinks?"

"No, your company is enough. There’s some books over there that Max brought me. You can toss them over here."

"You know, if I didn’t think better of you, I’d think you were milking this thing. I know you can walk to the dresser and back."

"Hey, I haven’t been sick in a long time! Let me enjoy it."

Toni went over to the dresser, picked up the books and looked back at him. He hadn’t shaved or combed his hair and in the light from the window he looked so much like Max she took a breath. But of course he wasn’t, not anything like Max at all. He was six years younger and a totally different personality. It was easy to forget sometimes where they came from.

"You’re beginning to look like your older brother." She set the books down on the bedside table.

"Must be the beard and the untidy hair. You like the beard? Does it, um, tickle your ah…?"

"You can stop right there because no answers will be forthcoming!" They laughed together. "I’ll bring Jacky down in a little while to see you."

"Thanks, Luv." He watched the door close behind her and closed his eyes for a moment. They were all right, the two of them. He could have her if he wanted to, but that wasn’t how he wanted it.  He wanted her to want him and whether she ever would again he had no way of knowing. The only thing he could do was to be there. Meanwhile it was good, the relationship they had.

As Toni climbed the stairs to the third floor, memories of their house in Battersea came to mind, all the steps up and down. Their house…Terry’s and hers…it was all gone now. He’d sold it. She paused on a step…the garden…the kitchen. She fell against the wall of the stairwell, trying to get her breath. It was all gone, all that they’d shared except for Jacky. All the memories they’d made together, some good, some very bad, but it had been the love they had…had. She felt it must still be there just under the surface. If she scratched hard enough down through the scar tissue…it was there.

"Ma’am?" Tuppy had come out of the nursery and saw her on the steps.

"Yes." Toni pulled herself together, seemed she was always trying to do that. "Everything okay up here?"

"Yes, Ma’am. I was just putting out a load of clothes to wash up."

"Jacky…I need Jacky for awhile."

Max pulled away from the airport. John would see to Jack from here on out and make sure he got to London. He was like a child sometimes…but then he wasn’t, not by a long shot. Truth be told, he was glad to see the back of him. Not that he didn’t love him as a brother, but trust…no way. Max knew they didn’t take his threat of breaking the circle seriously but at least he’d gotten his point across. He almost smiled and then remembered Terry was still at the house.

Terry was still on the mend. He couldn’t find it in himself to turn him out sick but he briefly thought about it. Max just wanted Toni and the children and a little peace. He wanted to concentrate on his family and his business. Was that too much to ask? He passed by a store with a display out already for Christmas. Oh, yes, there was that coming up. He wondered if Terry would still be there. He knew they would want Jacky between them for the holiday. It was just too damned complicated sometimes.

He didn’t worry unnecessarily about Terry. He wasn’t someone to hit you with a broadside, some tricky unsuspecting maneuver. He was more straightforward. If he thought you a dickhead, he’d tell you, and had. Max ran a hand over his face before pulling out onto the highway. Max figured if Terry wanted Toni he’d just take her. But Jack was something else. He wanted her but couldn’t have her by his own hand. He couldn’t. You never knew which way he was going to go. But he had been awfully quiet since coming over from London. Maybe, just maybe, he’d seen the writing on the wall.

Aside from Terry and Jack there was Toni. She had surprised him when she took off to Italy. Whatever possessed her he still hadn’t figured out. He knew he’d made a big mistake letting her go to London to see Jack. That was a given. She could be pretty deep sometimes and she didn’t always tell him what she was thinking, he knew, and it bothered him. She didn’t fully trust him and he wasn’t sure what to do about that. What other reason could there be? He reached over and turned the CD player on, turned it up. He was tired of thinking.

"Hey, boy." Terry put his book down and took Jacky up on the bed with him. Jacky wanted to know why he had to stay in bed. "I’ve been sick, sick with the flu. Remember when you had a bad throat and couldn’t swallow, Daddy made you stay in bed?"

"Did you really?" Toni asked, pulling out a chair.

"Oh, yeah, I was afraid it was strep. I’ll be getting up in a day or so, as soon as my ears clear out and I can fly."

Toni sat and listened to them talk. Father and son, they shared a life she wasn’t a part of over there in London with Anna, in that flat she’d only been in once the day Rose was born.  Jacky was with him or he was with her and never both. Even now she was excluded from their conversation. It was how it was, how it had to be. Her vision was beginning to blur. This wouldn’t do. She couldn’t here now in front of them, no. "Excuse me." She ran out of the room and to her own.

In her bathroom with the door shut she cried. It was a hurt without a cure and something she still couldn’t bear sometimes, like now. She didn’t know how long she’d been in there. She had a wet cloth on her face now, sitting on top of the toilet seat.

Max found her after searching the house.

"You want to tell me what’s wrong?" He went down on his knees in front of her.

It came out then between bouts of tears and blowing her nose, another wet cloth on her face. She told him how she hurt inside over Terry and Jacky. How she still felt the loss, how she still loved Terry.

He sat down on the floor with his back against the cabinet, a little stunned.

"You see, Max darling, there isn’t a cure. There’s no fix for it. Terry and I can’t live together again. It would never work because of you. It didn’t work when it worked because of you. I loved you and you knew it. You and I made love on your wedding day. Remember you were my chocolate and I’m addicted to chocolate. Terry knew it."

Max looked at her a moment then he got up and left. A fresh bout of tears started. He wasn’t gone for long. When he opened the door he had Terry with him.

Part 2

"What’s going on?" Terry looked at Toni and then back at Max.

"This is how I found her. She’s crying because she loves you, because the loss of you and Jacky still hurts. She’s crying because she loves me, is addicted to me, if I got it right. Because she can’t live with you."

"Yes, she can."

"No, no, no!" Toni sobbed. "I can’t!"

"She’s going to make herself sick like this." Terry went over and pulled her to her feet. "I can’t carry you, luv." He walked her out of the bathroom and Max turned down the bed.

"I don’t need to go to bed," she wailed but was ignored as her clothes came off down to her panties and bra. Max found her robe on the bathroom door.

"Tea," Max said and went out to the top of the stairs and called down to Ludivine to make a pot of tea for Toni.

Terry found a box of tissues and set them by her. "What brought this on?"

"I’m not sure…memories- seeing you with Jacky and knowing I’m not a part of that anymore. It’s how it is, you know, and it hurts. I can’t go back and do it again. I’ve got Max and Rose and Maxi. Even when we were together there was Max." She felt the bed move. Max had sat down on the other side of her. She reached for his hand. "I wish I could split myself in two."

"That’s not going to happen, love. You’ve got us both right here, right now. I thought it was right to bring Terry in here so he can understand, too."

"This is what you hide from me, isn’t it?" Terry asked.

"I hide it from everybody. What can’t be cured has to be endured. I’m just exposing everything today. I don’t …I can’t seem to stop it."

"Don’t try. I think you need to get it out." Max rubbed her hand. "I hear tea coming. I’ll get it." He went out and took the tray from Ludivine, telling her Toni wasn’t feeling well. No, not the flu – hopefully. He poured out a cup of tea for her. "See if you can get this down, love."

"I feel silly now." She took the tea.

"Don’t…I wish you’d said something earlier."

"What could you do, Terry? Nothing, so.…"

Terry looked at Max.

"It’s an impossible situation," Max said.

Terry looked him in the eye for a while. Max wasn’t going to give. He blinked and looked down at Toni. If she wanted to come home with him and Jacky, he’d take her. "What do you want, luv?"

"I want to get to the point where I can accept things I can’t change. I want the pain to go away."

"Do you want to come home with us?"

"I can’t…."

"You can. Just say the word. I’ll make it happen."

"You don’t understand. I have a family here, too.  We’ve gone too far, too far."

"I want to understand. I want to know what I can do to make it better for you."

"Oh, Terry, there isn’t anything you can do. We had it one time, you and I…I’ll always love you, but you never had all of me."

"Max…"

"Yes. Max."

"Let’s not forget Jack. He’s still got a part of you, too," Max added.

"Yes…he does but it can never be any more with him. Only little moments. I’m sharing my life with the two of you. Mostly you," she looked at Max.

"Would it help if…we didn’t see each other?"

"No, because you’re still a part of me through Jacky. We share him. He’s us a part of each of us. I can’t look at him without you being there."

"Toni, do you want to go to London and see Jacky, spend time there with him in his home…be a part of his life there?"

"Max darling, what do you think that would do to Terry and me? No, but thank you. There’s no answer for it. I’m sorry I came apart. Sometimes it hits pretty hard."

"I’m glad I know. I could have gone on for years carrying my own pain and not recognized yours. I have it, too. You don’t have an exclusive. You’re just gonna have to eat this, Max." Terry took her in his arms and held her against his chest, kissed the top of her head. "Something else we share and I’m so sorry."

Toni could hear the rattle in his chest. She slipped her arms around him and held him for a minute. "You should go back to bed and take your meds. I can hear your lungs laboring."

"That’s my heart," he said softly. "You’re right. We can’t undo what’s been done. I can’t ask you to leave your kids here. I’d take them but I can’t take Max, too, and you need him. You’ve always needed him. He’s here for you now in a way I can’t be. We’d only hurt each other again and I think there’s been enough of that. I’ll always love you, too…always. Honey, Jacky is used to things the way they are. It hurts us more than it does him. I don’t ever want him to…to know."

Toni pulled back from him. "No, neither do I. It’ll be okay…oh, bloody hell, it will never be okay but it is what it is. I’ve had it out and looked at it today…showed it to you…shared my feelings…time to put it back."

Terry took her chin in his hand and softly kissed her lips. He turned his pained eyes to Max and set her against him. "It is what it is…comfort her." He eased off the bed and left them alone.

Max gathered her up in his arms. "I wish there was something I could do for both of you."

"You are. You’re doing it now. I’m sorry, Max."

"For what…scaring me half to death? I’ll accept that apology. Ah, Toni, we’re a tangled bunch of grapes here. I feel for Terry. I hurt for him because I know…" he kissed her, "I know."

Terry went back to his bedroom, looked over the bottles of pills and took a couple of them with a glass of water. He went to the window and looked out. It began as a scream inside of him, a silent scream that filled him. He thought he’d burst open but the only outlet it found was in his eyes. It filled them and overflowed.

After a while he found the tissue box, blew his nose and dried his face. Well, he’d created the damn monster…it was what it was. He took a breath, coughed and decided he needed to get well and go home. He lay down on the bed and slept.

Emotionally spent, Toni went to sleep, too. Max lay with her awhile and realized he hadn’t heard the kids for a long time. He left her and went upstairs, but looking out the windows he saw them out in the garden. Tuppy had them in hand, boys in the fountain and Rose in her walker. He went into the bath, grabbed a couple of towels and went down to tend the boys.

Later Toni took a shower and dressed for the second time that day. It was after four and she hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast. She went down the stairs feeling guilty for her emotional outburst and for neglecting her household and children.

The children were in the kitchen with Tuppy and Ludivine having their mac and cheese and sausages.

"I have a roast chicken and vegetables in the oven for you."

"Thank you, Ludivine."

"You are better now?"

"Yes…I’m much better," she smiled. "Um, where’s Max?"

"I think he went down to the cellars." Ludivine hung up her apron for the day.

Toni pushed open the heavy door and went down the old, worn stone steps. He was sitting there at the tasting table with a glass of wine.

"Hey there. Drinking alone?"

"Hello, darling. Have a good sleep?"

"What are you doing?" She went over and picked up his glass to taste.

"Are you truly happy here? Because if I thought for a moment you wanted to go back to Terry and to London…."

"Max," she put her fingers on his lips, "I’m where I want to be, here with you. This is my home and upstairs deep in macaroni are our children. This is our life together and I do not want anything else. I’m sorry I made such a spectacle of myself today."

"I’m…I’m not sorry. We go along sweeping our feelings under the mat…it’s not good, Toni. They tend to grow under that mat into things we can’t deal with.  You had a clearing of the mat today. Now we all know. I feel a bit helpless. I think you’re not always honest with me, especially about Terry."

"Well, you know now."

"Yes, I know and there isn’t anything I can do to make it better. I’m sorry, love."

"I feel bad for him. I can’t make it better, either."

"Is he up?"

"I don’t know. I took a shower and came down."

"He was asleep earlier. I peeped in."

"Ludivine’s prepared dinner. Do you want to go see about him?"

"I think so." He finished off the wine and rinsed out the glass. "Let’s go up."

Toni sat with the children while they finished their dinner and Max went up to see Terry.