A COTTAGE BY THE SEA

By Atonia Walpole

Part 1

The sun was gentle upon her skin, warm enough but without the fire of summer’s heat. Spring, and the garden smelled of spring, damp and earthy and new green. The new leaves were out, still small enough for sun to filter through, throwing a lacy coverlet over the baby’s face. Toni was handing tiny blooms to Rose. Miniature daffys and crocus still in bloom. It wasn’t very often she spent time alone with Rose. Maxi and Jacky when he was there were always included. But the boys were with Terry in London. He’d taken Maxi back with him for a month. Toni secretly thought he might regret that. Maxi hadn’t been away from home more than a night or two since he was born. Max had gone with Duflot over to Gordes to look at bottles…bottles? Something to do with their new wine.

Toni lay on her back on the grass and Rose did the same, looking up at clouds in the sky. Rose was now 14 months old and learning words. Clouds were cowds. Toni closed her eyes and took a deep breath, parting her lips slightly. She sat up quickly. Salt air, that’s what she’d inhaled. She looked around the garden, biting her lip. What did it mean? Was he near; did he think of her? “Jack,” she whispered to no one.

Ludivine paused, waving and shouting something incomprehensible. Toni waved back. Ludivine was going home for the day. It must be noon she thought and a long afternoon ahead of them. Max wasn’t expected back until late. Tuppy was having a month off, leaving Rose with Toni.  A breeze came down from the house, circled around them and continued on through the vineyard.

“Oh,ohhhh!” Rose wailed. She’d lain on her fowrs and crushed them. Toni was picking up the remains and Rose stood pointing, “Papa.”

Toni turned and indeed it was ‘Papa’ striding down the path from the house. “There you are, my lovely ladies.”

Toni stood up and smiled, waiting. Rose ran toward him and he scooped her up. He walked up to Toni, carrying Rose and bent and kissed her softly. “Hello, Pet.”

“I thought you might be near.”

“Did you? Well, I wanted to make sure where you were.  Where is Max?”

“In Gordes with Duflot….” She looked at him narrowing her eyes a little.

“Good,” he smiled. “I’ve come for you and Rose.”

“JACK!”

“Shhh…no need to alert the vines. You remember the cottage I mentioned? I’ve bought it, have the key right here in my pocket. I want you to come with me to see it. How long have you got before he returns?”

“What  a sneaky, underhanded thing, so beneath you…about four hours.”

“Come. It will be quick.” He gathered her in an arm. She felt the pull and she was there in a garden but a very different one.

He set Rose down in the pebbled yard bounded by a stacked stone wall on two sides and a tall, strange-looking hedge on the other. Toni turned toward the cottage, slate roofed and made of stone, faded blue shutters at the windows and a cobbled walk.

“This is the back garden, enough room I thought. However it needs…yes, it needs…hmmm.”

“A little work.”

“That’s the privy. I’ll need to put a lock on that door.” Jack was thinking safety for Rose.

“I hear the sea.…”

“It’s over that, um, hedge. Come inside.” He approached the door with the key in hand. Inside, he went about opening  the shutters.

Toni, holding Rose’s hand, ventured into the cottage through what must be a kitchen, she thought, without appliances but there was a soapstone sink with a bucket underneath, a cupboard painted blue and a wooden table without chairs. She moved into the other room where he’d opened the front windows. “Oh, what a view! The sea...is there a beach?” She went over and looked out, straining to see down past the hedges.

“Ah, yes, it put me in mind of the House of Four Seasons, narrow in the cove.”

Toni explored another doorway which led into a small bedroom and a ladder up to a loft where another bedstead set waiting. “It’s like a doll house. What fun it would be to fix it up. Does it have a name?”

“Spindrift. It belonged to a fisherman. He died and his wife moved to the village. It’s about five miles away. It’s rather isolated out here.” Jack was watching Toni, waiting for approval or not.

“You haven’t any transportation here, do you?”

“Ah, but I do, yes, a small boat, takes little time to reach the village dock….really little time. I came out here that way by sea. Overland it’s a little longer.”

“I was just thinking if something happened to her, if she was injured or.…”

“Little time. I can show you. We could go into the bay. I will pay close attention to Rose, Toni, I would never.…”

“I know you wouldn’t, love, but children have a way of becoming injured without seemingly doing anything out of the ordinary.”

“Medical supplies, bandages and the like you can supply for me. If you will.”

She opened the front door, a little stiff on its hinges and obviously not used very often. Old pink rose vines had taken over a stone wall, in the first blush of spring blooms. A cobbled path led to the side of the house and around to the back garden. Another continued on to a gate and she followed it, peering down a slope to the sea shore.

“Have to keep this locked,” she called back but he was close behind her with Rose perched on his shoulders.

“Yes,” he moistened his lips and met her eyes, “all safety precautions will be met.”

She resisted the urge to plant a kiss on his lips, though they needed it, instead turning back, looking through the gate. “She’s too young now, still in diapers. Too young to come on her own.”

“When she is older, three or four, will you let her come?”

She turned back to him. “Yes, once the cottage is livable. You do realize it isn’t now, don’t you?”

“You’re going to have to instruct me, Pet. Tell me what to do and I will.”

“Water, is there water?”

“A well…”

“Drinkable water…is it clean?”

“I’ve had it.”

Toni smiled a little, placing a hand on his chest. “And you lived to tell it?”

“Umm.” Their eyes held a moment.

“I want to have a good look inside, see what’s needed.”

“Of course.”  He backed off the path, giving Rose a tug. If he hadn’t had her on his shoulders he’d have given her mother a…just as well she was on his shoulders. He didn’t want to frighten Toni away again, not another London disaster.

Back inside Toni went to the kitchen. There was a stove of a kind she’d never seen before. An open fireplace. The cupboard held dishes some of blue and white porcelain and others made of wood. Forks and knives in a glass container. Dippers, large ladles and some very sharp knives. A kettle, a tea pot and cups.  A tin still held tea. She had a sniff, smelled okay. “How long has it been since the widow moved out?”

“About six months. I found two chairs in the loft.” He placed them at the table.

“Looks like she left everything behind.” Toni uncovered a wooden box of towels and cloths. “Do you know how to, um, start this stove up?” she asked, looking up through her bangs.

“I’m sure I can, um…you just put it in there and a match to the…yes, I see now it will get hot, the whole thing will get hot.”

“You’ll have to watch her then because she will have to touch to make sure. That’s just how kids are. Where is she now?”

“In the, ah…” He went into the other room and silently picked her off the ladder. “Here she is.” He came back into the kitchen with her.

Toni handed her a wooden spoon and a bowl to play with.

“Well, I think it will do, Jack. If I were you I’d find someone to come and clean it up before you stay here and especially before you bring Rose here. I’m not that familiar with the latest in stoves but I’d look at replacing this. I’m not sure I could…oh, but then…” she looked over quickly.  “How do you propose to feed her? Can you cook?”

“Oh, well, um, no,” he grinned. “She will not starve. I will get someone from the village. She will not have her videos, her games that she will have at home with you. I will provide some things for her to play with. I have two daughters…older now but I recall their play things.”

Toni felt a rush of warmth for him. “Of course you do. I’m talking to you like someone who’s never been around a child. I’m sorry.” She did forget sometimes. It was easy to forget he wasn’t hers. She turned away…where had that come from?

Rose was standing at a chair with the spoon and bowl, and he moved to Toni’s side. “I should have thought. We might have had tea.”

“We could have…no milk but there is sugar and tea. It’s just this stove is beyond me.”

“There’s a spirit stove…I can manage it.” He  moved behind her, lightly trailing his fingertips across her shoulders as he passed and reaching up on a shelf he brought it down.  “All fishermen have oil.” He rummaged around and found a small container. “Now then, Madam,” he turned and reached around her for the kettle, his eyes not leaving hers, “I’ll just fill this at the well.”

“Yes,” she said faintly, her fingers going to her lips. He hadn’t kissed her. She closed her eyes as he moved away.

“Pa-pa!” Rose went to the back door, calling after him.

 Toni smiled and squatted by her daughter. “He is your father, strange as it seems, impossible as it is…he is your father. And I love him dearly.”

She’d been very impressed with Jack’s parenting skills when he’d gone to Maine with them. It would be all right. Rose would be all right with him. He never hesitated and Rose was taken with him.

Part 2

“Not quite what you are used to but drinkable I see?”

Toni set her cup down. “It’s not bad. I’ve had worse. This is not my first trip back with you.” She smiled, remembering for a minute the night Rose was conceived. She picked her up in her lap and let her taste the tea. Rose lay her head on Toni’s breast, thumb in her mouth. “She’s sleepy.” She rocked her back and forth.

Jack watched her a moment and went into the little bedroom. Taking a quilt off the bed, he went outside and gave it a good shake. Back inside he inspected the bed. Looking for vermin and finding none, he spread the quilt back over the mattress. Toni lay down with her and she was out within minutes. Jack had walked back outside looking around the back garden, thinking what could be done.

Toni came out. He’d nailed a little block of wood on the privy door. It worked as a lock, opening and closing high enough she could never reach it.

“Aren’t you resourceful.” Toni came up to him and he glanced down at her.

“Is she asleep?”

“Yes.”

“The bed is clean enough…though new bedding will have to be…of course, that’s  years away and I probably won’t be.…”

“No…I think you’ll probably be at sea or something…probably won’t be coming back here…probably for a long time.…”

“Of course if one’s going to make repairs and find a new cooker and,…”

“Mattresses,…”

“And…the garden…something,…”

“You’ll have to come back…sometime.”

He looked down, picked up the hammer turned it over in his hand then looked up at her. “I may need some help.”

Toni grinned and looked away. “Jack…you need a lot of help.”

He grinned, too. “Why are we dancing carefully around one another?”

She looked back, serious now. “Because if we don’t we’ll fall into each other.”

“Is that so bad a thing, Pet? I love you.” He reached out and touched her hair, pulling a handful of it forward.

“I love you.” She placed her fingers over his lips and then moved away.

He was having none of it. “Pet…what’s changed between us…where did it go and why? Is it Max…is it his threat to break the circle?”

“No…no, I don’t think he would…”

“It is Max…are you afraid of him?”

Toni turned, staring at him. Terry had asked her the same thing. “I’m not afraid of him but afraid of disappointing him. He’s loved me so long and so true…I don’t want to fail him. I’m weak, especially where you’re concerned.  You…you have no idea what I feel for you, how strong it is, how tempted I am to just throw caution overboard and swim with you but I know this…this is all we can ever have. You never came out. I thought it odd sometimes but put it off to the fact that you loved it and couldn’t leave it behind. I felt guilty for wanting you to stay with me. I didn’t know until Maximus told me that you’d never come out into my world, the world your daughter inhabits. I understand, Jack…I do, but it limits what we can share, what you can do. Here with you it is different. You’re at home here; this is your world. I get a glimpse of it, a taste of it, but I can never be a part of it as you can never fully be a part of mine. You’re magic…in more ways than one.” She went into his arms.

“Oh, Pet…I have wronged you in so many ways. I had no idea about Rose, that she could even be…I would never…I am sorry.” He held her, kissing the top of her head.

“Please don’t be sorry.” Toni looked up into his eyes. “I’ve loved you, welcomed you…left with you when I knew better…like today. I can’t resist you.” His lips met hers in a searing kiss.

He finally pulled away. “So here we are and as you say this is all there is, a stolen moment here and there. I know it is not enough but it is what we have. I would ask you to stay here in this cottage with Rose and with me but I know…yes…I know. But if you could come…sometimes if you would…if I come for you…Toni…” She’d pulled away.

Toni walked to the stone wall, tracing her fingers over the vines there, pulling at a leaf. It hurt deeply because she loved him so. If there was nothing else in the world yes…oh, God, yes, she would stay here, endure whatever hardships she had to, just to be with him. Whatever time he had for her she would wait for it and treasure each moment.

She turned and took his face in her hands and kissed him soundly. “Don’t ever doubt me…don’t ever think I don’t love you and treasure you, because I do. If there were no one else in the world but me and you and Rose…I would gladly live here in this cottage. I would stay here and never go back, but I can’t.” She smiled a little. “ Do you know what that would cause?”

“Indeed I do. I know I cannot ask it of you. We are caught, Pet, between two worlds. It’s all right for me to bring Rose here for a week or two. For her it will not be a problem. She is young and open to understanding that which cannot be explained. For you it is different and I understand this. There are your other children and Max and Terry….yes, Terry.” He chuckled a little. “They would be on me in an instant. Even now I risk it for only a few hours.”

“You are not mine…not wholly like Max and Terry. You belong here and with another. You have another family, people I don’t know and will never know or be a part of. I only get a little of you...enough to know what the whole man is. My God, she is a lucky woman…yes. John was lost from the beginning because of Donna and his children. You should have been. You couldn’t give them up and I don’t blame you. I love you all the more for it. All that said, you know as well as I do you’ve only to come for me.…” She was caught up in him.

Rose woke from her short nap and finding no one in the house she picked up her spoon and beat it on the ladder, then moved into the kitchen to the open back door. She could see her Mumma and Papa and so she beat on the door with her spoon until someone noticed her.

“Your daughter.” Toni moved away from him smiling a little almost glad for the interruption…almost.

“Hmm,” he dropped his head, regaining himself.

“She has no diapers here. We came on such short notice.” Toni brushed her hand across his head.

“I should take you back.” He looked up into her eyes. “It’s a hard thing to do.”

“I know.”

“Will you tell him?”

“Yes, it’s better to tell him.”

“You’re probably right,” he sighed. “I won’t have you suffer on my account if he….”

“No.” She placed a finger on his lips and he took it in his mouth. “Jack…”

“Woman.” He hugged her tightly and then released her. Taking her hand, they walked back to the cottage.

Jack took Rose up in his arms and they went inside to clear away the tea things. He fished out his key and locked the door. Back in the garden he and Toni looked at each other for a moment and he put his arm around her. They were back in the garden at La Siroque. Three hours had passed. He didn’t linger. A quick kiss for mother and daughter and he was gone.

Toni stood in the garden for a moment, setting  Rose down. Tears wanted to fall but she wouldn’t give in to them. “Well then, Rose, shall we go and have a clean- up and something to eat?”

“Pa-pa…gone?”

Max didn’t say anything at first. He took a sip of his wine and munched an olive. “I’m fighting a losing battle. He can pop in whenever he wants to and take you away…and you’ll go. I can’t stop you.” He straightened up in his chair, leaning on the table out in the courtyard. “There is not a damn thing I can do about it. I don’t like it but you know that already and that doesn’t seem to matter.”

“What if it were you?”

“Sorry?”

“You’ve been there. Perhaps not quite the same thing. Your circumstances were different. A moment here and there, that’s what we had. Now we have it all. There is no future for me with Jack. You know that. He is Rose’s father. He wants to be a part of her life and he’s doing the best he can.”

“He wants to be a part of yours.”

“And he is…he always will be. John and Terry are a part of my life, too, and they are all a part of yours as well. We will never be able to isolate ourselves away from the rest. It just isn’t possible. I understand your feelings, Max. I understand the frustration but you knew what you were getting when you took me on. I have children with Terry and Jack. You have accepted that, at least I thought so.”

He looked away, quiet for a moment. “I got the package, the whole thing. I forget sometimes and think only of you. I’m selfish…I don’t share very well and never thought to share you. But you’re right,” he picked up his glass again, “I have been on the other side looking in and regardless of what you may think, I do have empathy for Jack and Terry. I won, but what price victory?” He finished the glass.

Toni gazed at him across the table. “Maybe the prize wasn’t worth the fight…now that you’ve got it.”

His eyes darkened. “Don’t…ever think that. You are my world, my life. I can’t think of my days without you. If some arrangement has to be made with Jack then….”

“Do you remember when Terry gave us a few hours together? He and Connie took Jacky to a village fair and left us here for the sole purpose of…do you remember how it was?”

“Yes, neither of us liked it and if the boat hadn’t capsized we probably would have…I understand what you’re saying.”

“You satisfy me in every way. I love you. I’m not out looking for anything else and for your information nothing happened today with Jack. We just spent some time together with Rose and some time talking. You have nothing to be jealous of. You are the center of my life. You’re what I hold onto, my anchor, my heart. I’m not perfect…I disappoint you.”

“You do not! What gives you that idea? Bloody hell, Toni! I’m no prize. You know me too well and I know you…very well. It’s you I love…you as you are. We don’t live in a perfect world. If we did there would be no Jack or Terry. It’s the only world we have; it’s the one you’re in and the only place I want to be.” He took her hand and gave it a tug.