Ashes in the Wind
By Atonia
(Picture creations also by Atonia)
Part 1
A week had passed since Max had said good bye to Connie and Toni had been forced to say goodbye to Terry. They were both still trying to come to terms with their loss. On more than one occasion Max had slipped and called her Connie. He’d been apologetic and hurt that he’d done so but Toni understood. She had not made the mistake of calling him Terry.
Max had gone reluctantly back to work. Somehow it didn’t hold the same excitement as before. He was thinking seriously about chucking it and going back to France but he hadn’t discussed that with Toni yet; and there was Aubrey Duncan, who might not think it appropriate for him to be living with another woman so soon after the death of his wife. But Aubrey didn’t know the circumstances. Connie had been cremated and her remains rested in the backseat of his car. He hadn’t wanted them buried in England because of her love for Provence. He knew he was going to have to make a quick trip over and perhaps Aubrey would want them buried on his property.
Toni finally got around to the three suitcases Terry had sent with Anna the day of Connie’s funeral. Max had brought them up to the bedroom but she hadn’t touched them. One she knew held Jack’s modern clothes but she had no idea what was in the other two. What would Terry think she’d want from their life together…besides him?
The first case held her warm weather clothes, probably packed by Wiggins, she thought, going through the folds, things from her bathroom, a robe and her slippers. She took everything out of the case, stacking it on the bed. The second case he’d packed himself, her laptop, extra phone charger. A box of photos…she couldn’t open that one yet and set it aside. A couple of books she had been reading, the book of poetry that had once belonged to Jack. It still held the rose she’d pressed from the inn he’d taken her to where she’d conceived his child. A music box he’d bought her in Boston, her jewelry, a leather-bound journal she’d started at The House of Four Seasons, only a couple of pages written, nothing really. Had she been so naive then…known nothing of pain and love? He’d packed her treasures, things that she always took with her when they traveled.
She carried the journal into the back garden where Anna had the boys out in the sun. She gave Anna a break and sat on the blanket with Maxi. Jacky had some trucks and sticks and stones to load into them. Funny, she thought, he’d not once mentioned his Daddy. She picked him up and sat him on her lap, hugging him. She was suddenly filled with Terry and she pulled back looking at Jacky. No wonder he hadn’t mentioned his Daddy. They were in contact…mentally. It hurt her down to the core of her being.
She tried hard not to think of Terry but there were times, like now when it welled up like a spring and overflowed. She let Jacky go back to his trucks, picked up the journal and wrote what she was feeling.
That you could leave me standing still
On a cobble stoned courtyard
Without warning
Without cause
A kiss, and I opened my heart to you
It was a kiss goodbye
But I did not know at the time,
And could not protect myself
Two souls as one…do you remember
Engraved inside my wedding ring
If we are one soul we cannot exist
Without the other
How then am I alive?
Do you live still…without me?
Oh you have dealt me a fatal blow
And left me bleeding
And took yourself away
So you did not have to witness
The final heartbeat.
Toni Thorne
Toni looked down at her wedding ring. She was still married to him. The ring rested underneath the eternity ring, a circlet of diamonds he’d give her for Christmas…Christmas now that seemed like years ago instead of months. Next to it she wore Max’s ring. Should she switch them? No? She was in limbo, neither fire nor wind. Maxi had her pen and she took it from him, handing him a toy that talked to him instead. He was a sweet cuddly baby with two teeth now and happy to be around Jacky.
She lay down on the blanket, propping her head on her arm. Had it been the suitcases that opened Terry up again today? ‘No going back’, that’s what Max had told him and he had accepted that…no going back. That told her something. He’d given her away and didn’t want her back. Why did it have to hurt so much? She squeezed tears from her eyes.
She felt Jacky near and he kneeled down, took her face in his hands and kissed her, sloppily. "Luv you," he said.
"I love you, too." She kissed him back and sat up, closing the journal. "Show me what you’ve made over here, Jacky."
Unable to concentrate, Max left the bank and went by his flat. If he kept this up they’d fire him, but he didn’t really care anymore. He called Aubrey Duncan and talked to him for awhile. After he got off the phone he poured himself a drink and took it out on the balcony. He wanted to go home…to the chateau and he wanted to take Toni with him. He’d told Aubrey she was looking after Maxi but he hadn’t told him they were living together. Did he really care what Aubrey thought? He did…some kind of explanation could be given for her presence there. But maybe it was too soon. Connie loved the chateau and had put her mark on it.
He sighed and sipped his drink. He would go alone and take Connie’s ashes back to Aubrey and then perhaps he’d bring Toni over, but he needed a little time alone there to dispel her ghost. Toni would understand. He knew she had ghosts of her own. He could see them reflected in her eyes when she was staring across a room at nothing. She hadn’t been back to the house in Battersea. He’d offered to take her but she shook her head and looked away. It was too painful. He’d heard nothing from Terry since he left for Mexico the day of Connie’s funeral.
He loosened his tie and sat down on his sofa and called Toni.
"Hi, love, what are you doing?"
Toni fished the phone from her pocket. "Hi, Max, I’m lying on a blanket with your son out in the garden."
"Wish I was there, too, instead of here at the flat."
"What are you doing at the flat?"
"I couldn’t work so I left and came over here for awhile. I’ve got Connie’s ashes in my car. I picked them up this morning. I can’t very well ride around with them in the back seat. I’m thinking I need to take them home to her father. Would you mind terribly if I did that and stayed for a few days?"
Toni took a breath. "No, darling, I know it’s something you need to do. We’ll be fine here. When are you going?"
"I thought if I can get a flight out, first thing in the morning. Just do it and get it over with. I want to bring you over there to the chateau but I need a little time there."
"I understand, Max. Take as much time as you need to. I’ll be here for you when you get back."
"I like that, you know, that you’ll be there for me. I need you."
"I need you needing me. Are you coming home first or…?"
"I didn’t think so unless you want me to. It’s easier to get to Heathrow from here; there’s the train."
"Well then, don’t come just for me. I love you, Max. You go and do what you need to at La Siroque."
"I knew you’d understand. I love you, Toni."
Part 2
Penny picked Max up from the airport. He’d planned to rent a car but after he called to let them know he was coming, she insisted.
"Thanks, Penny." He carefully placed the boxed container in the trunk of her car.
"No luggage?"
"No, I’ll wear whatever I find at the chateau." He had wardrobes at three residences now.
"What’s in the box?"
"Oh, um," how to put it, "remains."
"Remains?"
"Um, Connie’s."
"Oh." She looked straight ahead as she drove. "How are you doing really, Max?"
"I’m doing fine, Penny. There are moments, you know."
"Dad has them, too. I guess I do, too, when I think about it. At least you have Maxi."
Max smiled. "Yes, Maxi. He’s crawling about now."
"And Toni to look after him for you. I like her and it's very generous of her to stay on at the cottage." She glanced at Max. "Terry said she was staying there to help out."
"Um, yes, she is. Terry’s gone back in the field again so, uh, we have Jacky and the nanny, too."
"When do you think you might bring him over again? I mean I know this time it would be hard for you but we’d like to keep him for a while."
"Next trip…soon. You must be getting ready for your wedding?"
"It’s in three and a half weeks but it’s not going to be the big bash we’d planned. Doesn’t seem right, you know, with Connie…."
"Yeah, probably not on."
Penny stopped in the drive. "Do you want me to go in with you?"
"Thank you but, no. I need to do this by myself." He took the box from the trunk, trying not to think about what was inside. It was a box, he told himself. "Tell Aubrey I’ll be around to see him, tomorrow." Quick kiss and she turned her car around and left him in the drive.
It was almost like the first time he’d come here…in his movie. Death had brought him and now it had brought him back. He carried the box over and set it down on the table outside the doorway. The door was locked and he fished out his key and opened it. It smelled of lavender and beeswax, lemon oil…Ludivine had cleaned in anticipation of Connie’s coming home and the house had been closed since then. He left his jacket and briefcase on the round table and walked through the house to the kitchen. A bottle of wine and two glasses sat on the table. He took a breath, walked past them to the back door and opened it. He was home.
Remembering the box, he went back through the house and picked it up, bringing it inside. He hadn’t ordered an urn, not knowing what Aubrey would want to do. Where to put it? He walked around with it from room to room, finally depositing it on the round table in the entry. He eyed it warily and unconsciously wiped his hands on his pants. He’d never been a superstitious sort, but still….
He made himself a cup of coffee. Too early for wine even in France. He took it outside and walked around the back gardens. He heard Duflot’s tractor and went over to the low wall, looking down at the vineyard. Fertilizing from the look of it. He supposed he could learn to drive a tractor, perhaps take more of a hands-on approach to the chateau and its grounds. He smiled a little at that thought. Duflot would not be pleased…all the more reason.
It occurred to him he’d not seen anything of Connie’s. There were empty flower pots by the back door she’d bought, but nothing in the house. He went back inside to have a closer look. After a while he determined someone had been in the house and removed her presence. He bounded up the stairs and walked into their bedroom, opened the closet and the wardrobe, pulled out drawers…nothing. Even the linens on the bed were different. He blinked his eyes several times, trying to blink away the tears that formed. He opened the nursery and breathed a sigh of relief. At least it was intact. He walked around, touching Maxi’s things, and picked up a stuffed animal. Holding it against him he came out into the hall and sat on the top step.
Would it have been harder had he walked into their room to find her things about? Yes, but somehow he felt cheated out of that moment. He buried his face in the stuffed dog. It smelled of baby. "Maxi," he said softly and he felt very much alone in the house.
There came a day when the earth moved beneath my feet
Autumn’s Fire leapt up in my belly and consumed me
It warmed me there, spreading to my heart
"Keep my love warm," you said and I did
Through the cold winter it warmed me
And spring came early and the rain
Washed away the tears I shed for you
Holding on to that warm love.
I could not let it go though summer waited
I called for Autumn’s Fire again and you came.
Years have passed and I’ve kept your love warm in my heart
It became an eternal flame nourished and fed by you.
Now you are gone.
All about me scattered ashes of our love
Move and shift in the wind
You did not ask me at your leaving
To keep your love warm
The place in my heart where it dwelt
Is hollow, empty and cold.
But should I chance to see you again
Look into the depths of your eyes
Do not think it is gone, that love I kept warm
For I have moved it to a different chamber
You’ve only to look for it
Toni Thorne
With Max gone Toni had to find something to do. She pulled Connie’s bike out of the garage and rode it around the drive with the tag-a-long on the back. She tested the basket on the front, sturdy enough but probably wouldn’t hold Jacky if he wanted to mess about. She rode the bike to the village where Max had bought it and had another seat put on the back for Jacky.
Jacky thought this was great fun, riding on the back of the bike, and he could turn and see Maxi in the little cart on the back. Toni rode into the village with them, stopping here and there and picking up things, a loaf of bread at the bakers, a treat for Jacky. She was feeling good being outside and being active. She decided she’d ride that bike every day.
This pregnancy was different from her first. She had a little nausea when her stomach was empty but for the most part she was full of energy. Being active she thought helped her with the depression she’d fallen into. It kept her mind on other things. Max had been gone for two days and she missed him terribly. He called her every evening and he sounded okay over the phone but only looking into his face would she know.
Nights were the worst for her. She’d been bringing out her journal and writing and remembering Terry. Tonight it was his scent. It was on the robe she’d put on, one from their house that had been sent along with Anna. She held it to her face and breathed it in, wanting him. But then she’d remembered that he didn’t want her and a flood of tears took over. She took the robe and threw it in a trash bin. Why torture herself, for that’s what it was…torture. She sat on the side of the bed with her head in her hands. How did you stop wanting…stop loving someone…someone who’d filled her as he had, burned so hotly in her veins for so long. She wiped her eyes on her arm. Her skin smelled of him…oh, God!
Aubrey carried the box and a shovel. Max and Penny went with him to the edge of the vineyard. Each row of vines had a rosebush planted but one row had three and that one, he explained to Max, was because Connie couldn’t make up her mind what color of roses to plant there so he’d planted all three choices and dubbed it Connie’s rose garden. This is where he dug a hole and buried her ashes. All three of them stood in silence for a moment then Max reached out and picked a rose from each bush and placed it on the little mound of earth. Aubrey nodded, looking into Max’s face. He was a good man.
After their little ceremony they went to the house and opened a bottle of wine and drank it. Aubrey took Max to the still room and let him do a little tasting. He was mixing grapes for Maxi’s vintage. He let Max choose.
"Excellent, Max. Your palate is coming along. That’s the mixture we’ll use for your Four Seasons."
"How do you develop a palate, Aubrey? I would really like to know."
"Tasting, Max, it’s the only way. When you get over your banking disease come and I’ll take you around to the local vineyards. They all have a tasting of sorts, some private, some not, and then come back here and we’ll go through the tanks and barrels."
"Banking disease? I think it may have about run its course. I’m ready to come home, Aubrey."
"I’m glad to hear that, Max. I was afraid you’d settle in England now that Connie’s gone."
"I’ll keep the cottage and the flat. We’ll be back and forth I’m sure."
"What are you going to do about Maxi? Have you got a nanny for him yet?"
Max bit his lip. "Yes…more than that, Aubrey. I’ve kind of inherited a family."
Aubrey tilted his head a little. "A family?"
"Yes, my brother Terry’s. I don’t want to go into details about this but you have to know…because I’m going to bring her over here."
"You’re talking about Toni and their Jacky."
"Yes, and there’s another on the way. It’s rather complicated, to say the least, but he’s left her in my care. He’s gone back into the field and won’t be spending much time at home. I’ve known Toni for a long time, Aubrey."
"I won’t ask any questions, Max. It’s not my business but you and I are still family as far as I’m concerned. Don’t ever forget that; and as long as you don’t move to the other side of the world where I can’t get to Maxi, what you do is your own business. You were good to my Connie and that goes a long way with me. We’ll welcome Toni and her son into the family, too."
Max looked at him a moment. "You wanted a son. I don’t think I have the credentials but…." He bit his lip again.
Aubrey put out his hand and Max shook it, then pulled him in for a quick, awkward male embrace. "I’ll tell you what. We’ll work on those credentials," he smiled.
Max flew back to England the next day.
Part 3
When Max pulled up into the drive at the cottage Toni met him in the front of the house and grabbed him, holding tight and kissed him soundly.
"You’re glad to see me?" he grinned.
"You have no idea how glad to see you I am."
He kissed her thoroughly." I think we’d better take this inside."
They’d spent a week together since all hell broke loose for both of them and they’d slept together, cuddling and holding, but respecting each other’s grief they had not made love. Max sensed something different in her. He was ready but was she?
He spent the next few hours catching up with Maxi and Jacky. He had them both in his lap in the lounge.
Toni sat across the room on the sofa smiling. There was something definitely sexy about a man with children. It made her feel good, too, that he treated Jacky as his own, no favorites shown. She knew he would be the same with Jack’s baby. "Oh," she jumped up, "I forgot about dinner!" She had a roast in the oven and ran into the kitchen to check. It was a little overdone but maybe gravy would make up for that. She got busy cooking.
Later after dinner and the kitchen put to rights, Anna brought the boys down to say goodnight then took them upstairs to bed. Toni went into the lounge and began picking up toys and tossing them into a bin. Max came in and sat down, watching her for a moment.
"I want to move you to France, to the chateau. Will you come?"
Toni tossed the last truck in the bin. "Yes," she turned to him, "yes, Max, I would love to go there with you. You know how I feel about La Siroque."
"I thought you might. I told Aubrey about us, and he wants to welcome you and Jacky into the fold. I had to tell him because I wanted so much for you to be there. I didn’t go into details."
Toni came over and sat with him. "Have you buried your ghosts?"
"Yes, actually the house had been cleared before I got there, Penny and Ludivine. It felt strange as though she’d never been there except for the nursery. How about yours?"
"Mostly I have. You know I went through the luggage that was sent to me and I threw out everything except my treasures. The clothes smelled of him. They’re gone. Something else…" She held out her left hand. She’d moved Max’s ring to her ring finger and Terry’s circlet of diamonds on her middle finger. Her wedding band was upstairs in the music box.
"Are you ready? I’m going to blow you away. I’ve never used my element on you but I’m going to."
Toni smiled a little, "You’ve never needed to."
"That’s true, but I’m going to make you mine. If that’s not what you want, you’d better say so now."
"I want you to. More than anything I want to be yours if you can take away what’s inside me now. Oh, yes, blow me away, Max! I’m ready for you."
He pulled her to him and kissed her, just a start but she felt a stirring inside her. She looked into his eyes. They had darkened from their blue-green depths. "Yes," she said against his lips.
He picked her up. Getting his balance he grinned and carried her up the stairs to her bedroom. "I think you’re putting on weight," he said, kicking the door shut behind him.
"I’m pregnant. I’m supposed to get fat," she said softly.
He set her down next to the bed and began pulling her top over her head, stopping to kiss her, brushing his lips across hers. Toni unbuttoned his shirt, pushing it over his shoulders. Max was busy unzipping her jeans and sliding them over her hips. He noticed the redness around her middle. "Bigger jeans."
Toni grinned, "You don’t miss anything, do you?"
"Not where you’re concerned."
She unzipped his pants and he stood still while they came off. Once they were undressed he held her to him for a while, feeling the length of her against his body. She felt it again, that stirring like leaves picked and caught in a whirlwind and she closed her eyes. He’d lifted her to the bed and she felt him next to her, teasing her nipples and her lips with his. Oh, she remembered this from the House the way he loved her. Little love bites up her neck and down across her breasts, a rush and it subsided. She wanted it again and it came harder this time, filling her but not quite. He was teasing her. She opened her eyes a little, his near hers. He moved on top of her and took her, going deep, then rested therein not moving for a moment.
She felt it building almost like a wave, but not water. This was the air gathering its force. He pulled back again and she watched his face, his eyes. He began to move with her and took her high, swirling above everything. She knew nothing but him, the feel of him, the scent of him as in the eye of a storm she was pulled into him and he into her. They were one and the same. Moving constantly within the vortex softly on her skin but with strength she’d never known. Sucked away and brought back whole but different, she felt it in every cell of her body. Everything had been touched by him. She was his. He had blown her away.
She lay limply beneath him now, his face buried in her neck. She didn’t want him to move from her. "Stay there," she whispered in his ear.
"If only I could," was his muffled reply. He bit her lightly on her neck and rose up on his arms. Moistening his lips with the tip of his tongue, he said, "You’re mine now."
"Oh, yes…you really did it."
"Like that, do you?" He grinned a little.
"Why did you never do that before?"
"Like you said, I never needed to, but I should have a long time ago." He kissed her and moved slightly within her. He was losing it and he closed his eyes and smiled, dropping his head.
"Oh, no!" she laughed.
"You’ve eaten me up, Toni. There’s nothing left." He moved off her and pulled her against him. "I don’t think I have ever been this happy in my life, whatever life it was. To finally have you after all we’ve been through, to hold you and know you’re mine."
"It was meant to be. It always was. Max. You’re mine."
"Bollocks! Is that part of the deal?" he laughed and squeezed her.
Toni laid her head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat, and she realized the fire that had tormented her was gone. She was at peace in Max’s arms.