Art courtesy of Jessie Dallton

By Darcy

In the beginning, the Lord said, "I will make a glorious actor with killer eyes, and from the world over, women will gather to worship at his altar. They will be from many places and shall be known by many names, but the Crowe Tarts shall be among My favored ones."
And so it came to pass that the Actor was chosen for small parts in musicals and plays, wherein he would lift up his heart to the Lord. And the Lord blessed him with other parts, some small and negligible and some wherein the Actor shone. And from each part, the Actor learned much and honed his talent until his skill was a thing of great beauty. Then said the Lord," I have given you Jack Corbett, and Johnny. I have given you the horseman East Driscoll, and the dishwasher Andy. And I have given you Kim, because every actor must have one regrettable part." And the Crowe Tarts saw what the Lord had made, and believed.
 

On the First Day, the Lord said: Because they are so favored, The Crowe Tarts must have a wicked one to perve, so that they may eat the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge and know evil for what it is. Thus I will give unto you an evildoer, who harboreth hatred in his heart, yet intelligence in his mind, and he shall be stained all over his body with the marks of the devil. And yet shall you love him, for his beauty is wild and like unto the animals of the jungle.
"Thus I say unto you, let there be Hando."
 

On the Second Day, the Lord sent his Actor into the Wilderness and made of him a warrior who fights his battles while he flies in the air. And he dressed him in the finest RAAF Uniform, and made his hair to grow thick and curling, and his eyes to shine brighter than a thousand stars. And though he was tempted into adultery, the Lord forgave him, and gave unto him a heart of gold. And the Lord smiled upon his Creation, saying, "Here is Lachlan Curry, in whom I am well pleased."
 

And it happened at this time that the Lord sent the Actor home to the Land of Oz. And so it came to pass that the Actor played the part of a young man who could not sin, but who raised his voice in song praising the Lord. And his hair was anointed with oil, and his skin made to shine like an angel's. And he was given wine to drink, and handled it not.
And the Lord took him unto his bosom, and spake of him as a son. "This is Arthur Baskin, who shall be forever young."
 

Now it came to pass that a film was to be made in the Blue Mountains. And the Actor, though young, was chosen to play the part of a man who dwelt in a hut and spoketh hardly any lines. Yet such was the talent of the Actor, that few noticed how little he spake, but learned to watch his eyes instead. And He gave him horses to ride, and a dog to bathe and sing to, and a whip to crack, and a hat to sit low over his eyes. And for the first time, the Actor grew hair on his face, and looked like The Man.
 

And the Lord looked at what He had wrought, and said, "As Alpha is to Omega, there shall be such a difference in him in his next film that the peoples of many lands will marvel at his ability and talent. I will give him a father of great wisdom and wit, and I will give him a lover who shall grow tomatoes and lovely flowers, and who will also be a man. And the Crowe Tarts will take him unto their bosoms despite his sodomite nature, and love him, for he is goodness and love personified.

"I say unto you, let there be Jeff Mitchell."
 

On the third day, the Lord scratched his beard and said, "Behold, the Actor shall be so prolific, I will need many more days than there are in the original Story of Creation, and thus I will not count them as one day to another."

For lo, the time will come when the Actor will once again cross the oceans and travel to a nation where they know not the Man from Oz, except for the Crowe Tarts and the woman named Stone. And there, for his faithfulness to the Lord, he will be christened with a single name and thence will be chained and beaten, and will go without water.

But fear not, ye deprived Crowe Tarts from the Land of Censors. For I say unto you that those who live in far away lands will be given the gift of the Love Scene. And in their infinite kindness, they will share it with those whose leaders deemed it not suitable for their eyes. And from this shared kindness, even more of the females of the earth will learn of the Actor, and will join with ye, and swell the numbers of the Crowe Tarts, who will call him the sexiest man alive.

"Behold, I give unto you the Preacher, the man called Cort."
 

And it came to pass that many offers came to the Actor during his sojourn in the Land of Censors, and from this sojourn he begat Zack Grant, and he begat Alex Ross and Steve. But he begat not SID 6.7, who was a murderous soulless being with perfect hair and a purple suit, and again, the Crowe Tarts perved him. But the Lord was not angered, for He knoweth woman's weakness for the Bad Man. And though the Actor did all that was asked of him and then some, none of these, not Zack nor Alex nor SID, were THE ONE, THE BIG BREAK.
 

And the Lord grew wrathful that many in the Land of Censors did not see the worth of His creation. And so He caused it to occur that an Author of great fire and alliteration should write a character of astounding brilliance, with wrathfulness to match His own. And He caused a great director to guide the Actor, and a screenwriter to scribe terse yet poignant dialogue and many exciting scenes. And the result of all the Lord's blessings upon him was such that the Actor's character was thereafter noticed by all in the land, but mostly by the Crowe Tarts, who rejoice in him to this day.

And in a mighty voice the Lord said, "From this day on, all others shall be judged against him for he is the Alpha Male. And he shall be called Bud White, for the Lord is a Supreme Being of great taste and distinction, and abominates the name Wendell."
 

And it came to pass that more offers came to the Actor during his sojourn in the Land of Censors, but he had committed himself to return to his native place. And so he journeyed far to the Land of Oz, and there he arrayed himself in sideburns of an attractive length and graceful curve, and in garments of tight denim. And though his character was a sinner, the evildoers who chased him were much worse. And thus it was that a love scene came to pass, in which armpits became an object of lust for the Crowe Tarts. But the Lord mindeth not, and forgave them their lust.
"Amen, amen, I say unto you, this is Colin O'Brien, who is dead sexy."
 

Now in the Land of Censors there dwelt a sportsman whom the Lord caused to wish to make a film about hockey. And the Actor grew his hair long as did Samson, and learned how to skate well enough to fool some, but not all. And for the first time, he portrayed a married man, faithful and cleaving only unto his wife. And he was father to film sons, and set before them a good example, except for the sins of bad language and jealousy. And the Crowe Tarts loved him, and perved him with great interest, the first of the Married Men. And John Biebe was pleasing in the sight of the Lord, who caused his film to be named often on the list of Ten Best Sports Movies.
 

The Land of Censors awakened as if from a dream and took much notice of the Actor, who gained a reputation so pure as to cause directors to seek him out and ply him with scripts. Thus Michael Mann came unto him, and offered him a role of a man advanced in age, and of greater girth. And laying his hand upon the Actor's heart, he convinceth him to accept the role and to shave his head bald and eat cheeseburgers and drink bourbon.
And it came to pass that the Actor amazed and stunned the Judges, and was nominated for the first time for the Great Prize of Best Actor. He winneth not, but because he excelleth in this role he would be offered many great scripts. And the Lord rejoiced in the success of The Insider.
 

From across the seas a Great Director known far and wide for his many wonderful works took interest in the Actor. He had not a script, only an enticing idea. And though the Actor was leery of such unfinished business, the Lord caused his faith in the Great Director to grow, and thus it came to be that the Actor was convinced to take the part, and was welcomed as a collaborator by the Great Director. And together they made a film that caused everyone in the world not deaf, dumb, and blind to sit up and take notice. And the Lord said, "Behold, this is Maximus, in whom I am well pleased."
 

During the time of the winter in the same year, another film starring the Actor was released. And through this film the Crowe Tarts were given a character that spake as the Actor spake, and looked as the Actor looked. And they rejoiced in him, and perved him mightily, and also his sidekick, who was blessed with quick wit and flaming hair. But they liked not his paramour, and muttered darkly about Mixmaster hair and visible rib bones and poor acting, and declared that she was not a fit consort for him, and wrote great volumes of fanfic about him, in which the paramour did not appear. "Behold, Terry Thorne," sayeth the Lord.
 

And in the darkness of a dark winter, the light shone upon the Actor and again he was nominated for the Great Prize of Best Actor, and this time the Lord caused him to win, and the film to win Best Picture. And the Actor was stunned, and grateful, and gave a humble speech, and paid proper and loving homage to his ancestors. And the Lord caused his angels to sing, and the Heavens rang with joy over the triumph of Maximus Decimus Meridius, though he worshipped pagan gods and knew the Lord not.
 

And so it was that the Actor could not long enjoy his triumph, for he had committed to another film with another Great Director, and was taken away from Hollywood to the east. And the Actor again threweth himself into his job, and learneth of the agony of mental illness and of filming in New York when he had just won the Great Prize. For the Crowe Tarts followed him, and lineth the streets, and stood outside his dwelling begging for attention as beggars in the marketplace. And the Actor was kind to them, and obligeth his handmaidens, and gave unto them gifts of photographs and CDs. But to others, who knew him not, he gave only the finger.
And the Lord looked on him with favor, saying, "This is John Nash, and the Actor has again proven his worth and talent. I will causeth him to be nominated once more for the Great Prize, the third time in as many years, and the world will honor him, as it should." But it happened that the Actor did not win the Great Prize, though his co-star and the director and the screenwriter and the film did. And the Lord was angered, for He saw that it was unjust, even though his Actor had given into temptation and let loose of his temper, which colored the Judges against him.
 

And so it was that a man named O'Brien had written a lengthy series of novels that pleased and thrilled many peoples, and another Great Director had accepted the task of filming an epic based on these great works. And the Director searched for a great actor, a name, to obtain enough treasure to make his film. And the Lord caused the Actor to read the script and the novels, and to love them, and to find interest in the character who was a man of the sea. And after first refusing to playeth him for fear of the dread seasickness, it came to pass that he trained himself as a warrior trains and thus he brought Jack Aubrey to life as purely and perfectly as he was portrayed in the great novels, and the Crowe Tarts rejoiced in his breeches and his flowing yellow hair. And again the Lord was pleased, for the Actor was now hailed as the best of his generation, the Master and Commander, even by Time Magazine. But he was nominated not for the Great Prize, for some are wicked and have long memories and wagging tongues, and they despoiled him.
 

And there came to be a character that the Actor wanted to play, and he broketh his own commandment and loved Jim Braddock. And the light of his love shone out of his face, and flowed into his body, which he tortured and trained and broketh to make it like unto the character's. And a great man, small in stature but wiser than any other, taught him much and said of him, "He coulda been a contender." And his friend the Director Howard filmed a movie that caused strong men to weep, and women's hearts to break. And the Lord was pleased for at last, the Actor played again a religious man. But the movie triumphed not at the Box Office, though it was excellent. And once again the Actor's temper was made manifest, and he threweth a phone at his enemy in anger. And for his sin, he was forced to appear on David Letterman, and be chastised by all, and he was plunged into the depths of despair.
 

But fear not, for the Lord loveth him so much that other roles were offered unto him. And the Actor choseth one that would bring him a peaceful sojourn in the land of Luberon, where he could drinketh wine with his wife, and play with his son, and beget another son to bring joy into his life. And the Actor did promo for the film, and told his secret unto the Crowe Tarts on national television, and his peace and happiness were not affected when the movie did poorly. And the Lord smiled on the Actor and his character Max a Million, and kneweth that they had both learned well the lessons of A Good Year. And the Crowe Tarts sang his praises, for they loved him, and his children.
 

And thus it was that for forty days and forty nights the Crowe Tarts had been beseeching the Actor for another Western, for they had forgotten not of the Preacher named Cort. And they beseeched him for a Bad Man, an Outlaw, for in the hearts of women lies the truth that good men are for marriage, but bad men are for fun. And another Great Director who had already taken the Great Prize looked unto the visage of the Actor and said, "This is Ben Wade, and no other shall play him."
But the Actor was committed to work in the Land of Oz, and so the Lord, hearing the supplications of the Crowe Tarts, gave unto them a miracle. And thus it happened that other project about trees was not made, and the Studio attempted to alter a sacred contract. And the Actor became angry with the Studio, and withdrew his services, and lo and behold, he was free to wield the Hand of God.
And though the Lord raised His eyebrow in consternation at the violence and brutality of Ben Wade and his men, He saw that the Actor was good, and he smiled on Him. But the Lord is a vengeful Lord, and punished him with snow and cold and difficult shooting as a test of his faith. And the Lord gave him not a lush woman with green eyes, but a skinny one with eyes of brown. But he gaveth him the horse Ribbon, and a black hat, and pants with embroidery at the seams, and paper and pencil to sketch with. And the Actor failed him not, and gaveth his best to the role, and the Crowe Tarts rejoiced, praising the Lord for His goodness and the Actor for his brilliance. And in Heaven the angels once more sang a hymn of great beauty called Testify, and the Lord said, "This is Ben Wade, and he hath brought the western back."

 
to be continued as the Lord wills