Holding On

Back in the stables after the picnic guests had left, Ben was checking on Belle, the mare Luke had struck with the reins. Charlie had taken care of her while Ben and Liana saw their guests off. He had seen the looks in their eyes. Maximus, Joimus, and Ahnna had all been more wary, more cautious around him, although he thought that, given the circumstances, Maximus could somewhat understand his temper. The General would also despise seeing a horse beaten.

Alistair Harris' response had been interesting. It was almost as though the preacher had been glad to see that side of Ben Wade. As though he had been looking for something more than what Ben had been showing the other residents since he had arrived. Alistair had looked thoughtful, but he was calm, not nervous around Ben in the slightest.

As Ben rubbed Belle and talked soothingly to her, he thought about the response that mattered most to him--Liana's. His wife had told him when they had met that she believed him when he told her he was a killer. He knew, however, that this was the first time she'd seen him actually ready to do it. He'd been a moment away from killing Luke, when Liana had stepped in.

Ben had seen the look on her face as she did. Fear. Terror, almost. Liana had been afraid. Her voice, her touch, had brought him back to himself enough to realize that he couldn't kill the man--not right there in front of their guests anyway. But the look on her face had hurt him in a way he'd never been hurt before. He'd never wanted to see her afraid of him.

Dan Evans had left almost as soon as their guests had, saying he needed to drive into Coff's Harbour on business. Liana had gone into the house, while Ben had come back to the stables. He'd been here for several hours now. Liana hadn't come down. It would be like her to join him, to make sure that Belle was all right, and to ask about him. She hadn't come.

Ben was trying to resign himself to the fact that she would leave him. Was probably up at the house packing. Might be gone already. When he went to the house, it would be empty. Her belongings would be gone. The kitchen, where she seemed to be so much of the time, would be empty. And tonight, their bed would be empty.

To sum it up, his life would be empty. A sensation of shock went through him at that feeling. His life would be empty because a woman had left? With this woman, yes, he realized. It was only now, when he was resigned to losing her that he realized just what a void she filled. There'd been a void there all his life, but he'd never thought it could be filled by anyone or anything. He'd been wrong.

Finally, he decided he could no longer avoid going back to the house. He might as well face the emptiness there. He could always go back to the life he'd had before. At least, it had been so constantly busy that he'd managed to keep the feelings of emptiness at bay.

Entering the kitchen door, Ben was in for a surprise. The kitchen was full of wonderful smells. The dining room table had been set for the two of them and there were candles and wine there. Liana was taking something out of the oven.

When he stopped short, she saw the look on his face. Surprised. Curious. "What?" she asked him, nervous. "Are you okay? Is Belle okay?"

"Belle's fine," he answered slowly. "And I'm- What's all this?"

"Dinner," Liana said matter-of-factly. "It's almost dinner time. You've been at the stables a long time. I was getting ready to leave things in the oven and come after you."

As they sat down at the table, Ben met her eyes across it. "You were afraid today, darlin'. You were scared to death. I saw your face." For the first time he could remember, he dropped his eyes, unable to hold hers for his next sentence. "I thought you'd be gone when I got back."

Liana looked at him incredulously. "You thought- You thought I'd leave because of what happened today?" She reached for his hand across the table.

"I was afraid today, Ben. But not of you. I was afraid you'd kill Luke. There in front of everyone. That you'd be sent to prison. What I was afraid of was losing you."

Rising, Liana went around the table and squeezed between the table to sit on his lap. Looking into his eyes, her own softened. "I was so afraid that you wouldn't hear me or see me. That your anger would block me out the way it was blocking out everything else."

Closing her eyes for a moment, she opened them to say, "I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get through to you."

Ben closed his eyes briefly too. She wasn't going. Wasn't afraid to be here with him. Not having any idea how to express the relief he felt, Ben simply slid his arms around her and held on. Tightly.