Living Life One Day at a Time

Libby & Marie

by Marie & Layne

Libby pulled the rental car that her insurance was paying for up into the parking lot at the clinic. She wasn't sure she really wanted to go in. The doctor at the hospital had told her to have a follow-up appointment though and, as she hadn't had a regular doctor since she came to the Glen, the clinic had been the logical choice.

Sighing, she finally got out of her car and went inside.

The receptionist took one look at the sad young woman before her and hoped that Marie could help her. She was glad she was here today. As nice as Dr. Nichols was Marie would understand and know how to talk to the girl better.

"Our nurse practitioner is seeing patients today, Miss. Her name is Marie White. Let me check when she'll finish seeing her current patient. Please sit down and relax and I'll be back in just a few tics."

Libby sat quietly in the waiting room, going over the last few days in her mind. The loss of the baby had been a shock. Finding out there'd even BEEN a baby had been a shock. Grief was not a new experience to Libby, but feeling it so keenly was new.

Before coming here, her life had been full of grief. So full that she'd learned to numb herself to it. But this... She'd never known that you could be so sad over losing something that you hadn't even known existed.

Her thoughts threatened to overwhelm her again and she let her mind go to Richie. He'd taken her home from the hospital. She'd wanted him to drop her by the Glen Times office. Had wanted to go straight back to work and keep herself occupied, but he refused to take her anywhere but home to the apartment over his office.

Libby smiled a little as she remembered how he'd insisted on carrying her up the flight of stairs. The people in this town could be too hard on Richie Roberts. He might have his faults, but he was one of the kindest people she'd ever met. He'd made her eat something and settled her on the sofa with a blanket.

And he'd kissed her goodbye tenderly, as if he were afraid she might break or something. Libby had hugged him, clinging tightly and blinking back tears. As he'd gone out the door, he'd promised to be back later to check on her. Thank goodness she'd met him. He'd turned out to be the best friend she'd ever had.

Lost in her thoughts, she started a little when the receptionist spoke to her again.

"Right this way. I'll show you to the exam room so you can change. Marie will be here shortly. She's just finishing with her other patient."

The receptionist hands her a clean gown. "Put this on. It ties in the back, Miss." She smiled at the girl and closes the exam room door on her way out.

Marie saw her elderly patient out to the exam room. She'd finished documenting her findings in Mrs. Wildings clinic chart and knocked on her next patient's door after washing her hands. She recognized her name as a reporter at the Glen Times. They'd met a few times.

"Libby, it's Marie. Are you ready for me to come in?"

"Sure." Libby's voice was listless. She didn't really feel as though she cared one way or the other.

Marie took a deep breath before entering the room. She knew what Libby was going through and how sad and painful it was. Not physical pain, but emotional pain which she thought could even be more unbearable. She stepped inside.

"Hi, Libby. I need to do an examination to make sure you're healing alright. First we'll start easy. I'm going to take your temperature. Have you been having any fever or chills since you left the hospital?" She didn't look feverish, but a possible complication after a miscarriage was an infection from retained tissue missed in the uterus. Marie slipped the disposable sheath over the temperature probe and waited until she heard Libby's answer before placing the thermometer under her tongue.

"None that I've noticed," Libby shrugged.

Marie White had always seemed nice enough to her, but she just wasn't in the mood to be here or anywhere. Except maybe asleep.. Lost in sleep where she didn't have to think about all this any more.

"Okay, that's good, Libby. I'm going to put this under your tongue." The thermometer beeped within seconds. No fever.

"Good, your temperature is normal, Libby." She heard the flat affect in her voice. Marie knew how easy it was to drift into depression after a miscarriage. She would make sure she explained everything carefully. Once she was sure that Libby was physically healing properly, then they could talk about how she was doing emotionally.

Marie took her blood pressure and pulse. Everything was normal so far.

"Libby, it's time to do your pelvic examination and make sure your uterus is healing well. There should be no reason that everything won't be normal for you in the future. Your miscarriage won't affect the ability for you to have a healthy baby sometime when you're ready."

Libby had sat quietly through everything, but now her voice became a little stronger. "That's what the doctor at the hospital told me. At least I was glad to hear that."

"Do a lot of women have babies soon after a miscarriage?"

"Some do and some wait a bit longer. You will have to decide when you feel ready, Libby. I've been through a miscarriage myself. The pain of loss was very hard for me. Right after I lost my baby I thought I had to have one. I thought it would help take away the pain if I had another baby, but I found the pain had to come and I had to face it. It was actually good that I had to wait until my body was healthy to have another baby."

"By the time I was physically ready, I was not mentally ready to have another baby. I still had too much pain and anguish. Then one day about six or seven months after losing my baby I started to think that I might be ready. And then I knew I was ready a little after that. But my husband Bud wasn't. We're both getting there. And we're trying for a baby now."

"Give yourself the time you need until you're sure, Libby. Give yourself time to grieve. It will come whether you allow it or try to push it away. And remember everyone recovers from this at a different pace. Grief is so personal and it's different for every single person. There is no right or wrong. There's just getting through it."

"I can't believe it's been so hard," Libby was able to say. "I mean- I never even knew I was pregnant until I found out I'd lost the baby. How can it hurt so much?"

Privately, she was jealous of Marie. At least she'd had a husband. Someone to grieve with her. Libby didn't even know who the father of her child had been. Who was she supposed to turn to? The answer came to her readily. Richie. He might not have been the baby's father, but he was her friend. He'd been there for her.

Marie finished her exam and helped Libby sit up again on the edge of the table.

"There was a baby growing inside of you that was a part of you. That's a wonderful miracle, Libby. You didn't know, but the baby was there. Even though you didn't find out until after it was gone, you still loved it."

She put her hand on hers. "That loss is so painful. Time will make it easier to accept and go forward again. You need time. Give that to yourself, Libby."

Libby didn't want to talk about this any more. It hurt too much. She withdrew her hand from under Marie's. So, is everything okay? Can I go back to work now? They really need me down at the paper."

And she really needed to get back there, she thought to herself. She wanted someplace familiar, someplace that was busy, so that she didn't think about things so much.

Marie could tell that Libby didn't want to talk anymore or simply couldn't. She certainly wouldn't press her.

"You're healing well. Everything looks fine, Libby. You shouldn't do any lifting. You can go to work, but only for a few hours and then you should get some rest. I'll give you an instruction sheet of the things you should and shouldn't do." Marie smiled at her.

"I'll put my number on there if you have any questions you want to ask." Marie figured she left an open invitation for Libby in case she really needed to talk to her sometime in the future.

"Did you have any other questions right now?"

"When-?" Libby found it a little embarrassing to ask, but she had to know. "When will it be all right for me to have sex again?"

She was thinking of Richie. Sex had been a big part of their friendship. Would he still want her around without it?

Marie had no idea what Libby's current situation was. If she had a regular partner or not. She could tell this was a question that concerned the girl. It was a subject Marie discussed with patients every day.

"You should wait six weeks, Libby. And if you're considering trying to have another baby fairly soon you should protect yourself against pregnancy until after your first normal period. If you need birth control you can get that here at the clinic."

Six weeks. She sighed. In a way, it seemed like forever, but she could honestly say she wasn't really interested in sex at the moment. Of course, Richie would understand, but still...

And, as for birth control... "I don't have to worry about that," she told Marie. "The only guy I'm--involved with--has had a vasectomy."

She thought about the possibility of having another baby. The idea seemed very appealing right now. A baby to replace the one she'd lost. Someone to hold and care for--who needed her.

Then she shook her head. That would also involve getting into some sort of relationship and she wasn't interested in that. It hurt too much. Aloud she told Marie. "As for another baby, I don't really see any possibility of that in the near future." Her voice was resigned, but she still liked the idea.

Marie watched Libby for a moment. She was so sad for her. The feelings of despair and deep grief flooded back to her for a moment. The moments of numbness were actually a relief from the deep seated pain. Marie wished she could give her a hug and reassure her that it would get better, but that wasn't what Libby wanted or needed from her right now. She had to learn to accept it all on her terms and in her time.

"Okay, just don't forget about protection from disease too. That's everything we needed to check then. Was there anything else I could help you with or answer for you, Libby?"

"No. Nothing that I can think of right now." Libby was now anxious to get out of the gown and get dressed. More than anything, she wanted to go home. She just wanted to be alone right now.

"Go ahead and get dressed Libby and I'll get your instruction sheet for you." Marie started to turn to leave the room, but faced back to Libby for a moment. "Please do call me if you have any questions or just need to talk." She smiled at the girl and exited the room to give her privacy. Marie had done all she could do for Libby. She hoped it was enough and decided to add a referral to a grief counselor in Coffs in case Libby decided she needed to talk to someone else.