Push and Pull

Ben was looking at his newly arrived horses with the excitement of a kid at Christmas. Christmas. Funny I should have thought about it like that, he thought to himself.

He glanced at Liana standing next to him. Her eyes were full of happiness and a little awe. She thought the horses beautiful too. But, having never been on a horse or even near one before, she was a little afraid.

Ben couldn't imagine having never been on a horse before. His experience with horses had begun as a teenager, and he'd loved them since then. Felt at home around then the way he'd never felt around humans. Except maybe for- He looked over at his wife again. Remembered last night.

Last night, when they'd decorated their Christmas tree, when it had brought up so many childhood memories for him. Some were actually happy memories, times when he'd still had his mother. But any happy times were completely overshadowed by her desertion of him. He'd fallen asleep in front of that tree last night, thinking about her--being angry with her.

Then Liana had come to check on him. She woke him with that soft little hand of hers squeezing his, her low, pretty voice saying "Ben. Ben, come up to bed now."

And he'd been short with her, still lost in those painful, malignant memories that had eaten up so much of his life. "No. You go on back to bed. I'll be there later." His words bitten off, almost thrown at her in the anger he was feeling, not toward her, but toward a woman he'd never been able to be angry toward.

Ben remembered the hurt look in Liana's eyes, but she'd settled down on the floor by his feet, leaned her head against his knee. "No. I'll stay down here with you."

They'd both remained quiet for a time then, Liana waiting to see if he'd shout at her again, Ben torn between his anger and a real desire to have her close to him. Because something about her nearness numbed some of that hurt. As if she were a drug that relaxed him.

Finally, that desire had won out. Sighing, he'd moved from the chair to the leather sofa, lying down and pulling her down beside him. They'd slept there all night, his arm around her holding her safe against him so that she wouldn't fall off. And her presence keeping him from falling off- Something.

And now, she was here with him, watching his horses arrive. Quarter horses, some of the finest stock to be found. Ben whistled, held out his hand to the large black stallion, who walked proudly over, his neck arched.

"This is Major," he told Liana, stroking the stallion's neck. He grinned at her hesitation. "It's okay. You can touch him."

Liana looked a question at him as her hand gently touched Major's nose. "No," he grinned at her in answer. "You won't be ridin' him, darlin'. Major's mine. And I'm real possessive about my horses."

He had Charlie Prince lead over a palomino with three white-stockinged legs. Took Liana's hand and placed it on the horse's neck. "This is Ginger. She'll be yours. Ginger 'cause she's gentle and sweet. Moves real ginger-like. You two oughta get along real well."

They spent the rest of the day with the horses, Ben showing Liana how to get acquainted with Ginger, Major and the rest of the stock. Twelve had arrived today. More would come right after Christmas.

The life he had planned was coming together well, Ben thought to himself. As usual, his planning had been impeccable. Why, then, did he feel so uneasy.

"Liana," his mind told him. She was the reason for his uneasiness. He wasn't used to having another person with him so much. Always around. Taking care of his needs for him. Cooking for him. Hanging up his clothes. Sharing his bed every night.

When he'd married her, Ben had a picture in his mind of what marriage should be. But he wasn't prepared for how sweet she was, how nurturing-always wanting to help with something, asking if he was okay.

And he wasn't prepared for having somebody love him. Marriage was one thing, love something else altogether. She claimed to love him, but would he ever love her? Would he ever be capable?

Liana's emotions were in turmoil as well. Ben sent such mixed signals. Like last night, she thought. He'd told her to go away, but when they lay down, she knew he wanted her there. Knew it in the way he held her so close, the way his lips touched her hair, and in the way his body relaxed against hers.

It was always that way in bed. He seemed able to let down his guard there in a way he didn't at any other time. Ben pushed her away, yet held her close at the same time. Did he want her there, or didn't he?

Finally, she pushed all that aside. Of course he wanted her there. He'd married her, hadn't he? It was just that everything had happened so fast. It would all work out. It just took time.

That night, during dinner, they discussed Toni and Richie's wedding and meeting the other people in the Glen. About a wedding gift for the couple. They talked about making an appointment to see Richie and taking care of some legal issues with the land.

"And my business manager's comin' for a visit," Ben told Liana. "You need to meet him. We been friends for a long time."

She'd never heard Ben speak about friends before. She couldn't wait to meet this man.