Private Thoughts

Driving toward the middle of town from Nick's house on the outskirts, Kelly Russell's mind in a whirl. Of course, that was nothing new to her. Everything with Nick had been a whirl. "Except the waiting," she thought to herself.

The eighteen months of waiting that had seemed as though it would never end. Now it had. Now Nick was out of the hospital and she'd seen him. And here she was, waiting again.

Slowing the car, she squeezed her eyes tight shut for a few seconds. "Oh, God, I don't mean to seem impatient," she said aloud, talking to herself. "I know he's had to go through hell and I never, ever wanted to make it worse for him. I knew, when I decided to stay married to him that things could take a long, long time to get around to anything resembling normal, and I chose to stay married to him anyway!"

Kelly was glad she had chosen to stay married. She really was. She wanted to remain Nick's wife. But would he want that now? Now that he was actually healing. Realizing that he still had a world and a life. Would he want her in it? Was he in any state of mind to make that kind of decision yet?

Over the past year and a half, as Nick had been fighting his demons and his guilt with Dr. Shapiro's help, Kelly had quietly stayed in the background. She'd been a year away from her English degree when she'd married Nick. She'd lived with her parents and finished it up. Gone into writing children's stories as she'd always wanted to do.

Once a month, Pete had called her to let her know how Nick was doing. At the beginning, it had been mainly that he was still hanging in there, still fighting. Not a lot better, but still there.

Then, the tide had begun to turn for him a little. Gradually, he'd talked more and more with the doctor. In private therapy sessions. In group therapy sessions. The DT's had slowly lessened and he'd been able to deal with more of the underlying problems he had to face.

Kelly had been happy for him, but it was a cautious happiness. In the very brief month that they'd known each other, she'd caught only glimpses of his worst problems, but she'd known they were bad. Had known that fighting his way through them was going to be hell and would take a long time.

She'd hoped to help. To be there for him. Dr. Shapiro had spoken to her. As Nick's wife, he could tell her how his case looked, even though he couldn't reveal anything personal Nick had told him. Right now--the doctor had said--Nick couldn't deal with a wife, a family. He had to focus on his addictions first, then the underlying problems and, as much as he could use support, he wasn't in any position to try and make a brand new marriage work. She'd appreciated his frankness.

Afterward, Pete had talked with Kelly. Told her to get herself a lawyer. Have him draw up divorce papers or annulment papers--whichever she wanted. He'd see to it that things were settled fairly, and she could get on with her life.

Kelly thought she'd never forget the surprised look on Pete's face when she told him she didn't want an annulment, or a divorce. She would wait. Wait until Nick was better. Until he could make decisions for himself, and then he could decide if he still wanted to be married to her.

Pete had been angry at first. He'd thought she was holding out for more money. That she would go to the tabloids and sell them the whole sordid story and start even more trouble for Nick than he already had. He hadn't really been convinced until months down the road. Months that she had remained quietly at home with her family, minding her own business. Never once opening her mouth about Nick. No one even knew they were married, other than Pete and Kelly's parents. Pete had managed to keep that out of the papers at least.

And now, here she was. In Australia. This place called the Glen. Nick was here and he was out of the hospital. Not necessarily whole yet, but at least a lot better than he had been. Hopefully, now he would at least like to have her around. Have her support. She hoped.

Pulling up in front of the little bed and breakfast in the Glen, Kelly sat quietly for a moment. She needed to go in and get herself a room. Nick had, at least, invited her to come back out to the house and have lunch with him the next day. Maybe that meant some kind of new start for them.

As an afterthought, she quietly thanked God for preventing her from having an accident back there when she'd had her eyes shut. That would be all Nick needed. For someone else in his life to have a car accident. That was where it had all started.