The Emperor’s New Clothes

A fractured fairy tale

By Atonia Walpole

Once upon a time there was an Emperor Sid who spent all his money on clothes. He cared not a fig for his soldiers, his racing horses nor did he ever go to the movies. While some leaders might be said to be sitting in council, Emperor Sid was said to be sitting in his closet...and an extraordinary closet it was. It  ranged from one end of his chambers to the other and contained a suit for every hour. Armani had set up a special room in the palace and kept the poor immigrant Italians cutting and fitting 25 hours a day. Emperor Sid strutted and preened in front of his mirrored closet for he was the most magnificently dressed and coifed man in the Kingdom. Only events that would allow him to display his splendid self did he attend, like the Macy’s Christmas Parade.

Time passed pleasantly in the kingdom, since the Emperor Sid was so caught up in himself he didn’t bother with day to day doings of his subjects. People came and went, strangers appeared and disappeared.

One day two rogues, Colin and Maximillion  appeared and declared themselves to be weavers of the finest cloth in the world. They allowed as how no other weavers could create the patterns and colors their looms could produce. They boasted in all the pubs and handed out fliers on street corners until one day the Emperor Sid’s Minister of Cloth picked up a flier off the street and took it to the Emperor.

Emperor Sid was intrigued. “Armani, what do you make of this, eh? How is it you do not know of this magnificent cloth, eh? Bring me these two weavers!" he commanded his Minister of Cloth.

Colin and Maximillion were brought before the Emperor Sid. “I have read the flier. What can you tell me of this cloth you manufacture?” he asked

“Ah, your Grace,” began Maximillion, “it is of the finest quality imaginable. The colors and texture and patterns are like no other.”

“You forgot to tell him, Max, about the other quality it possesses,” whispered Colin.

“Here, here! There will be no whispering in my presence! What do you say, man?” commanded Emperor Sid.

“Ah, the cloth, sir, when made into clothes it has a wonderful, er ah, quality, you see, that is you can’t see it if you are not worthy of your position.”

“I don’t understand this,” complained Emperor Sid.

“What my bloke here was trying to say, Your Emperorship, is that it remains invisible to anyone who is an idiot or unfit to hold the office they, em, hold.”

Ah, thought Emperor Sid, this could be very useful in cleaning out my cabinet of useless ministers. But wait…should I not be the first to own this beautiful cloth?

“I command you to make me an outfit from this extraordinary stuff and then I shall be able to determine who stays and who goes.”

“It’s rather expensive, Your Emperorship,” remarked Maximillion with a smile

Emperor Sid called his Minister of Money and commanded large sums of money to be given to these two weavers so they might set up their looms and begin work on his new wardrobe.

Armani was beside himself. “Your Grace, your most magnificent in the land, how can you trust these two wandering weavers?”

“Silence, this is not the same bit of silk you toy with! This shall be my secret weapon for who shall not recognize the clothes will be tossed in the tiger pit.” He smiled an evil smile.

Colin and Maximillion searched around and found the perfect building to house their two enormous looms they picked up on eBay for a few bucks. The building had a nice windowed front allowing the townspeople full gazing rights to their work. And work they did, moving about the looms, threading and bending and scratching affecting a good day’s work, though in reality they did nothing. They bought fine golden threads and stashed them in their suitcases they kept on the ready. Pretending to thread the looms late into the night the townspeople were impressed with their work ethic, however were baffled by the product. To be sure everyone had an opinion about the color and the texture not wanting to display his or her own unfitness or ignorance.

After a while the Emperor Sid wanted to know about the progress of his new wardrobe and decided to send Armani to check it out. He realized of course that the cloth would be invisible to a simple minded person or someone unfit for office and to make double sure of the progress report he sent a junior member of his staff to accompany Armani. Arthur the Baptist bookkeeper would do.

Upon arriving at the shop they were greeted by Maximillion. “Oh, do come in, sir. You honor us with your presence. I’m sure one such as yourself accustomed to the finest of fabrics will appreciate our efforts here.” He fawned and led the two visitors into the room. “Would you like a cup of tea?” he asked.

“No thanks,” said Armani, and he began to examine the looms.

“How about you, sir?” he asked Arthur.

“Oh, yes, thank you. A cuppa would be nice.” Arthur blinked his eyes and looked around the room wondering where the fabric was kept.

“Now then, sir,” said Colin as he pretended to unfold a length of fabric and display it on a chaise, “What ya reckon? Think the Emperor Sid will like this?  Or maybe this one might be more to his taste since it runs to purple.” He shook out another invisible length.

Armani was stunned for he could see nothing but the chaise. He turned to Arthur who had wandered over with his cuppa. “What do you think, Arthur?” Armani held his breath.

Arthur stood pleasantly smiling, waiting for Colin to show him something. Armani took the pleasant smile to mean he could see the fabric and was devastated. He would lose his position in the closet and he hadn’t created a line in years since the Emperor Sid had employed him.

“Well, which one do you think we should make up?” asked Colin lighting a cigarette and catching Maximillion’s eye.

“Ah, the second one, I think. He does like purple, you know.” He looked sideways at Arthur, who was still smiling.

“Right! Then, tell the Emperor to come by for a fitting at his convenience,” Colin smiled. “Oh, and we’ll be needing a fresh supply of golden thread. You might remind him of that.”

Maximillion ushered them out the door and once they were out of sight he and Colin had a good laugh and then straightened up and began to thread their invisible thread onto the looms again.

Armani hurried back to the palace with Arthur in tow. “This special fabric,” he whispered, “did you not think it a bit…thin?” he winced.

“It was clear enough to me,” said Arthur, not wanting to admit he hadn’t seen a thing.

Armani’s shoulders sagged in his unstructured jacket. He and Arthur reported to the Emperor Sid that the manufacture of the fabric was coming along well.

“About the colors and patterns?” asked Emperor Sid, rubbing his hands together. “Are they truly as magnificent as rumor has it?”

“Oh, yes indeed, Your Imperial Majesty, you will be pleased,” stated Armani.

“And you, Bookkeeper, what did you think?” asked Emperor Sid, raising his brows.

“Just as he said sir, splendid it was.” Arthur cleared his throat.

Emperor Sid beamed he could hardly wait for the fitting.

The load of golden thread arrived and the Emperor Sid sent another ambassador to deliver it to the weavers and to check on their progress.

Once again Colin pretended to display the fabric and the ambassador was shown a stack of invisible material already for cutting. Ambassador Steve looked over the looms, scratching his head and wrinkling his brow.

“Do you not think it is magnificent as the last two ministers did?” asked Maximillion.

“Ah, yeah, looks nice…the, uh, colors, yes, the Emperor will like this stuff,” he grinned and backed out of the shop quickly before he gave himself away. He bumped into a passerby who commented on the lovely patterns being woven in the shop and he found himself agreeing most passionately.

Back at the palace he reported to the Emperor Sid that the fabric was the most magnificent he’d ever seen, bringing a smile to Emperor Sid’s lips.

Emperor Sid could contain himself no longer and set out to see for himself this most fabulous fabric. The whole city was abuzz with talk of the fine work the two weavers were doing and discussed on street corners the pattern work and color combinations. All this was not lost on the Emperor Sid as he passed by on his way to the shop.

He was accompanied by Armani and Arthur and Steve as well as a select number of his cabinet. Upon their approach, Colin and Maximillion worked even more diligently threading the invisible threads and turning the looms up full speed so that the noise was near deafening when they came through the door.

“Ah, Your Imperialness, welcome to our humble shop,” bowed Maximillion.

“Your Majesty, look at the wonderful work! The splendid colors will compliment your complexion, sir!” exclaimed Armani.

“And the texture, sir,” stated Arthur.

“And the patterns like none I have ever seen,” said Steve.

Emperor Sid was taken aback but he soon came forward again. This could not be, it could not for he could see nothing on the looms though the man Colin worked and worked on the other side of the machine. “Am I a simpleton, unfit to be the Emperor?” he said to himself. His own Bookkeeper could see it!

“It’s lovely, most agreeable, yes,” he said brightly.

The members of his cabinet began to exclaim that the quality and workmanship was unequaled in the land. The colors so glorious as to rival nature, the patterns surely designed in heaven, so excited and merry were his men.

So taken up with the spirit of the proclamations, the Emperor presented the weavers with the riband of an order of knighthood, to be worn in their buttonholes and the title of “Gentlemen Weavers” was bestowed upon them.

“There is to be a grand procession on the morrow. Do you think, is it possible that I might have my new wardrobe in time?” asked the Emperor Sid raising his chin.

“Ah well,” said Colin, “we’d be working overtime, you see. There’d be extra expenses, I reckon.”

“Indeed, we will need…some extras if we are to work through the night,” stated Maximillion.

“You shall have it!” Sid turned to his Minister of Money. “Give these Gentlemen Weavers what they desire.”

All through the night the two weavers worked, having outfitted the shop with lights so that passersby could see their diligent service. In truth they were telling jokes and drinking VB which they kept hidden under their chairs. Every once in a while one would get up and pretend to cut a length of fabric on the table and return to the chair with his needle threaded with invisible thread.  The townspeople nodded their heads as they passed, remarking on the two good weavers and their remarkable fabrics.

The next morning Emperor Sid arrived with all the grandees of his court to receive his new wardrobe.

Maximillion pretended to hold up the trousers. “They are woven so fine, Sir, that you will feel as though you are wearing nothing. Light as a cobweb, they are!”

“That’s the beauty of this fabric, Your Emperorship,” said Colin as he pretended to hold up a jacket. “It's like being clothed in air,” he smiled.

All the grandees agreed and nodded their heads, admiring the colors and patterns.

“Now, sir, if you would be so gracious as to remove your clothing we will fit you in the new suit,” offered Maximillion, raising his brows.

The Emperor Sid quickly removed his clothing, anxious to feel the new suit against his skin. The two weavers pretended to array him in his new clothes and turned him this way and that in front of the large mirror.

All the members of his entourage exclaimed at the beauty of his new royal robes. Emperor Sid admired himself in the mirror, for he was magnificent in his invisible clothes.

“Do they fit well?” he asked.

“Oh, yes, Your Majesty, like a gossamer glove,” answered his cabinet ministers.

“The procession is ready, Your Majesty!” called the Minister of Processions.

Emperor Sid strode confidently from the shop and led the procession down the main street of his city, his head held high and a smile on his lips.

The townspeople began cheering and whistling and exclaiming over the magnificent appearance of the Emperor’s new wardrobe, describing the drape and the color and the pattern to their neighbors. No one would admit to seeing the Emperor’s naked body walking down the street for fear they would be called a simpleton or unfit for their jobs.

Emperor Sid was excited over all the adoration he was receiving on his new wardrobe and made a mental note to send Armani back to Italy.

Deep in the crowd a young woman pushed her way to the front to see what all the bother was about. She had only just arrived that morning and knew nothing about the Emperor’s new clothes.

“What hey, but he’s got a nice bum, ain’t he?” she said to the woman standing next to her. “Prances about like that all the time does he?” she asked.

The woman next to her realized the girl had spoken the truth. “Aye, he has a magnificent bum... and those shoulders...” she said, grinning. Word spread quickly through the crowd and cat calls and whistles began to accompany the Emperor Sid as he marched down the road. He, of course, realized what was happening but held his head high and continued on to the palace. Already he had the mental picture of two weavers baked in a loaf of bread.

Meanwhile the two false weavers had packed up the last of the golden thread and money bestowed on them by the Emperor and caught a cab to the airport.

“What ya think, somewhere warm?” asked Colin as he contemplated the ticket counter.

“Wide beaches and long-legged women,” answered Maximillion as he placed the luggage on the machine to be weighed.

“South then! Right, we’re off!” laughed Colin.

The Twisted End