"Sarah, baby, he's dead! Our baby is dead!"

I remember dropping the phone and screaming but I don't really remember anything else until Bobby put his arms around me.

"He's dead Bobby. My baby is dead."

"How? Why?" Bobby whispered the look of anguish on his face made me cry even harder.

"I don't know, I don't know. All I know is that they said he's dead. Get me out of here; take me home, please, take me home."

Bobby grabbed my hand and we ran down the hall and out of the building. We got to my car and then Bobby remembered that he needed to call his wife and tell her he was taking me home. He called and we took off. Those 18 miles were the longest ride I had ever taken.

"Sarah, where is the baby? Where do we go? Do we go to the hospital or…"

"Just take me home; I want to go home."

When we pulled up in front of my house, there was a yard full of people but the only one that I recognized was you, my darling Bud. I got out of the car and suddenly you were there, grabbing me and holding me oh, so tight.

"I'm sorry, baby, I'm so fucking sorry," you sobbed. "I didn't think he could reach the table. You know that I would never have put my gun anywhere in his reach. You do know that baby, don't you? Don't you?"

I looked at you in disbelief. I had begged you not to have the gun in the house, but you said you knew what you were doing and there was nothing to be afraid of. Nothing, you said and now my little boy was dead. Dead because you wouldn't listen, because you're the man of the house. I felt myself go all cold inside and suddenly the last thing that I wanted was your arms around me. All that I want is my baby.

"Where is he, where is my baby?"

"He's inside, but they won't let you in," you said as I pushed you away and started to the house. "Sarah stop; they're not going to let you in. Sarah, they've got to do their job."

"What do you mean 'do their job'? I want my baby, I want my baby, damn you!" I screamed at you and all of a sudden there was another cop in front of me. I thought he must be new, I didn't recognize him.

"I'm sorry Mrs. White. I can't let you go in there. We're not through with our investigation."

"But you don't understand. That's my baby in there and he'll be afraid with all of you in there. He's only 3 years old and he's so little and he needs me. Please."

"I'm sorry Mrs. White; hey Bud, do something here, will ya?"

I felt your arms wrap around me and pull me off the porch and that's the last thing I remember until late that night when you woke me, climbing up on Aunt Mary's tester bed. I always loved this old bed with its feather pillows and feather bed. It always made me feel so warm and safe to sleep here. I sat right up in bed not quite sure where I was.

"Take it easy baby, it's just me," you whispered as you took me in your arms and snuggled close. Oh God, I didn't think I could stand for you to touch me.

"Baby hold me; I need for you to hold me."

I looked into your eyes and saw the pain and so I held you. I held you while you cried for our little boy. You cried. My God, I'd never been as frightened as when I saw you cry. You've always been so strong, so tough. Always holding everything inside, unable to show how you really felt about things. And now you were crying over our little boy, our beautiful little boy with the dark brown curly hair and the dark brown velvet eyes with the double set of lashes. People would always take a look at him and say, 'He should have been a girl. He's just too pretty to be a boy.' It drove you nuts to hear them say that about your son. Your son, a child you weren't sure that you wanted, so afraid that you might not be a good daddy. He was born on a Saturday at 12:31 pm the day before Mother's Day. I always told everybody that he was the best present I would ever get for Mother's Day and yet the first time the nurse put him, so tiny, in your hands…my great big burly cop with the tears running down your face; that was the best present.

The next few days were a blur. People in and out of the house, talking hugging, and bringing food and comfort the way Southerners do in bad times. People say the craziest things and I know now that it's because they don't know what to say. Like 'You're both still young, there can be other children' or 'When will you put the house up for sale, you know you can't stay here now.' The funeral and graveside services were blessedly short and afterwards back at the house people gave their final condolences and left; then there was no one left but you and me. You started towards me and I backed up until I hit the wall. I could see the look of fear in your eyes.

"Sarah, baby, what's wrong? What's the matter? Sarah, please talk to me!"

"Talk, you want to talk?" I could hear myself screaming at you but I couldn't seem to stop. "My baby's dead and you want to talk?" I heard someone laughing almost hysterical and then I realized it was me.

"Baby let me hold you, let me help you please Sarah."

"Help me, Bud? You want to help me, then get me my baby. I want my baby." I screamed at you. I saw the pain come over your face and I didn't care. I felt as if I was being ripped apart and all I wanted to do was make you hurt like I was hurting because it was your fault. You'd promised me when we were married that you'd never do anything to hurt me and now you'd killed my baby.

"You killed him Bud, you know you did and then you wouldn't even let me go to him. Let me hold him so that he wouldn't be alone and afraid with all those strangers in there. But you wouldn't let me." I saw it in your face, the moment that you lost it. The way your body tensed all up, you clenching and unclenching your fists, the way you came at me.

"Go ahead hit me, hit me. Kill me damn you, you know that's what you want to do. Kill me like you did my baby." I slumped to the floor unable to stand, to breathe. "Please Bud, please kill me."

"Sarah," you whispered my name as you gathered me into you arms and just held me on the floor. I couldn't move; all I could do was cry. You just held me and rocked me until I couldn't cry anymore. When the crying stopped, you brushed my hair out of my face, kissing my tears away, never letting go of me. I just lay there, too worn out to move; watching as you tried to help me, tried to make it all better. But you couldn't and finally I just pushed you away and curled up into a ball trying to make myself as small as possible. I sensed your hurt, your feeling of total abandonment, but there was nothing I could do for you. Finally you got up and went into the living room. When I got up, I could see you sitting in the shadows, your arms on your knees, your head hanging down. I'd hurt you and I just didn't give a damn. I couldn't stand the quiet so I went upstairs to bed. As I started down the hall I noticed that someone had shut the door to the baby's room. I went to the door, took hold of the handle but I just couldn't bring myself to open the door. What a coward I was.

I heard you coming up the stairs and I rolled over on my side and pretended to be asleep. I laid there not moving while you got undressed and crawled on the bed.

"Sarah, are you awake, baby, I need you? Please, Sarah," you whispered as you put your hands on my shoulders and oh so carefully turned me onto my back. "Please Sarah."

Oh God, please don't ask this of me, not now, not ever again, please. That's all that kept running through my mind but I never said a word. Not when you kept kissing me, not when you kept touching me, not when you entered me so gently like I was this very fragile piece of glass that would break if you weren't careful. You had always been a gentle lover saying that you were afraid that just your size would hurt me but that night it was different. We were different. Then it was finally over. (Isn't that such an awful thing to think about making love? But that's the way that I felt; I just wanted it to be over.) You held me close and kissed me one last time and fell asleep. I laid there the rest of the night and thought about the past week and the future.

The next morning I made your breakfast and told you again that it was alright for you to go back to work and yes, I would be alright. I walked you to the car and kissed you goodbye. I waved as you backed out of the driveway and then I went into the house. I went upstairs and packed a bag and then called a cab. While I waited for a cab, I wrote you a note and left it on the table.

Dear Bud,
I know you won't understand and I really don't know how to explain it to you but I've got to leave. If I stay you will grow to hate me and I couldn't live with that. I just can't stay with you anymore, not after what happened. There's not any life left in me. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. Sarah

The cab pulled up and blew the horn. I turned off the lights and locked the front door; never to return. Goodbye my darling.

My cab pulled up at the cemetery. I got out and asked the driver to wait. I walked over to the grave and placed the flowers and balloons in the container on your marker. It's his birthday and I'd bought a new teddy bear, a black and white panda with a big red bow. "That was always your favorite toy, remember?" I sat down on the ground next to your grave and started to tell you your favorite bedtime story, all about a beautiful princess and her Knight in shining armor.

"Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess and she and a friend went to the beach for the weekend. They were walking across the parking lot at the Pavillion (that was where all the princesses went to look for their princes and to dance the night away). The princess heard someone call her name, she turned around and there were these 3 knights in their Charger and they asked the princess if she wanted to go to a party. The princess said no because she didn't know them and one of them took hold of her arm and said 'please'. He had the most beautiful eyes but the princess said no and to let her go. He wouldn't so she said: 'If you don't let me go I'm going to yell for a cop and have you arrested.' He just kinda smirked at her and said go ahead. So she did and this great big cop came over and said 'Hey, Bud, you got the weekend off?' And the princess said 'Do you know this man?' And the Knight said "Officer Bud White at your service ma'am." The princess felt like a fool and she got mad and left while the Knight laughed. But afterwards everywhere the princess went; there was the Knight; always smiling at her and trying to talk to her. And after a year, he finally wore her down and she spent all afternoon one Sunday talking to him. He talked her into going out with him and the princess found out that he was a really nice guy. They went out every night for 2 weeks and then…"

"What happened next?"

My heart stopped and I couldn't breathe.

"What happened next, baby?"

"Nothing, nothing happened. It's just a fairy tale and…"

"Sarah, what happened next?"

I tilted my head to the side and looked up into the face I'd seen only in my dreams for the past year. Oh God, you'd changed so much. So much pain and uncertainty showing in your face, you just stood there as if you knew that if you made a move towards me I would run.

"Sarah, finish the story, please."

"I…I can't. I've got to go." I scrambled to my feet and looked around. "Where, where's my cab?"

"I paid him off and told him to get lost." You just looked at me and gave a shrug. "How else am I gonna get you to talk to me? I knew you would come today. I've been waiting all day for you to show up."

"WHY?"

"You think just because you left that I stopped loving you, stopped caring, stopped wondering if you were all right? You're my wife and I love you. Sarah, can we go somewhere and talk? Please. I won't touch you, I promise. Please Sarah."

I could see just how nervous you were. Shifting back and forth on the balls of your feet like you do when you're antsy; your hands shoved in your pants pocket and the way your shoulders were hunched said more than any words you could say. I closed my eyes and gave a little sigh.

"Sarah?"

"All right, Bud. But just for a cup of coffee. Okay?"

"Yeah sure, great."

You started to take my arm and caught yourself. You just shrugged and said, "Habit." We got to your car and you opened the door for me. You started the car and looked over at me. I hugged the door, so afraid of being so close to you. I heard you sigh and I looked over to see you clutching the steering wheel, your head on your hands.

"You really don't want to be here with me do you Sarah?" your voice was cracking. It broke my heart. I reached over and touched your shoulder and felt you shudder at my touch.

"Oh God, Sarah don't."

"Bud I was just trying to comfort you."

"Comfort me, Jesus, you want to comfort me?" You yelled and before I could move away, you grabbed me and pulled me into your arms.

"Do you know how bad I want to touch you, how long I've dreamed of having you in my arms again? Well, I'm tired of dreaming Sarah."

Your eyes, all dark and smoldering, let me know just how much trouble I was in. You stared at me for so long that I almost began to relax. Maybe you felt it, I really don't know, all I know is you pulled me across the console of the car and began smothering me with your kisses. There was no way I could get away from you, caught as I was between you and the steering wheel, and if I was being totally honest, I don't know that I really wanted to get away or that I wanted you to stop. It had been so long and I'd spent every night of the past year dreaming of you. I'd dream about you and wake up crying because you weren't there and yet every day was spent making sure that you couldn't find me.

"Bud don't, please don't," I whimpered, pushing against your chest with both hands. I couldn't let this happen no matter how much I wanted you.

You reached up grabbing both my hands. "Stop it, Sarah. You love me, you know you do. Just love me, Sarah, baby, please love me again." That catch in your voice; I raised my eyes to yours and suddenly it didn't matter anymore. Nothing mattered except you holding me, loving me. I couldn't get close enough to you. I wanted…I wanted…

"Sarah," you groaned, "Let me."

"Bud, stop, we can't. People might come up."

"Let's go home then."

Home. Our home. And then it was as if cold water had been thrown on me. "No I can't. Let me go Bud. Let me go now!"

"What the fuck? Sarah what's wrong with you?

"I can't do this," I whispered crying softly.

"We'll go home and it'll be alright baby"

"Don't call me that, don't ever call me that again Bud. I can't stand for you to call me that."

"Sarah?"

"Let me go, I…I can't do this, please Bud."

"Let you go. What the hell Sarah," you yelled, shaking me until my teeth rattled. I put my arms up over my head, I knew you had lost it and I was afraid. I'd never been afraid of you before, but I was terrified now. You shoved me away from you, telling me to fix myself and get out. I was shaking so hard that I couldn't do my buttons on my blouse; you just pushed my hands away and buttoned it for me.

"Get out Sarah."

"Bud…"

You jumped out and came around to my side of the car and threw the door open, grabbing my arm and snatching me out of the car.

"Get the fuck outta my car and outta my life, Sarah. I can't do this no more."

I stood there as you roared out of the cemetery and then I walked up to the office and asked to use their phone. The lady just looked at me and then handed me the phone. I didn't know who else to call so I called Ed.

"I'll be right there. Are you okay?"

"Yes, just please hurry."

When Ed pulled up, I went running down the steps and jumped in his car.

"Sarah, did Bud…"

"I'm okay, really."

"Well, I'm glad one of you is, because Bud isn't."

"What do you mean, Ed?"

Ed Exley explained what had been going on with you during the past year. The fights with fellow cops, the rumors of police brutality, and the drinking. The way you were when you worked with Stens and not the Bud that I had known.

"Stop, I don't want to hear this! Please Ed."

"Okay, I'll stop, but you needed to know Sarah, that losing the baby and then you running away has almost destroyed him. It wasn't just your baby Sarah, it was Bud's son too and he needed you more than even he realized. You and that little boy were the only good he ever had in his life and to lose both of you…"

Sobbing, "Ed, please don't! I can't take this!"

"And you think that he can, Sarah? Okay, I'll shut up. Where do you want me to take you?"

I couldn't talk, I was crying too hard. Ed let me cry it out and then handed me his handkerchief. I wiped my face and told him where to take me. When we got there, I got out and Ed wished me good luck.

You got home that night and headed up the stairs, too tired to eat, just wanting to go to bed and forget that today ever happened. You headed toward the bedroom and stopped because you heard music coming from the room across the hall. A room that the door was always shut; never opened. The baby's room.

"What the fuck…?"

The door was already partially opened, you gave it a gentle push and as it opened you saw the rocking chair move; the one that you bought for the baby and me. You stepped into the room and saw me sitting in the chair, tears pouring down my face and holding on to his blanket. You knelt down in front of me, "Sarah? Sarah, are you okay? Sarah?" you whispered.

I heard you calling me but you were so far away and I couldn't find you.

"Sarah."

I'd never been so alone and I was so frightened.

"Sarah," you yelled as you shook me.

My eyes opened and I saw you kneeling there in front of me, a look of panic on your face.

"Bud, oh Bud. I want…"

"What do you want, baby?"

"I want you and I want to come home and I want…"

That was all I got to say before you pulled me to you and kissed me. Your kisses always able to take me someplace special, this time brought me back home to you.

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