The Fifth Season
by Atonia
Part 5
We went back inside, I put the coffee pot on and went to tend to Benjy; he needed his diaper changed ,and I played with him for awhile before going back to the living room. Ben was on my sofa asleep; I crouched down beside him for a moment on the floor, just taking him in. I let him nap and went to the kitchen poured my coffee and sat in a chair across the room from him.
His presence here was so right I couldn’t imagine him not staying…it was our house…our child…our love why wasn’t that enough to keep him here. I sipped my coffee, where was here…for that matter why couldn’t we all stay in this place with its perfect weather and blue sky. Benjy was two months old, Ben came in August, last year it was…what almost the end of July now…was there something about summer.
"What are you studyin’ so hard, Susan?" Ben was awake watching from the sofa.
I shook my head, "Does it show?" I asked and smiled.
"You don’t be worrin’ about nothin’ darlin’, come here." I went and sat down in the space he’d made. "I believe if I stayed around here I’d get fat and lazy, you fill me Susan."
"How often do you get empty Ben?" I asked caressing his cheek.
"Always when I’m not with you." He pulled me down for a loving and long kiss.
His hands on my back our lips almost touching I asked, "I want you to stay…why can’t we be together?"
His eyes changed, "I can’t make it happen Susan…I’m tryin’, something keeps me apart." He held me close, my head resting on his chest. "I get the feelin’ me and you wasn’t supposed to happen."
"But it did…I tried to convince myself it was all a dream after you disappeared last year. Then came the deed to the house…and then Benjy…two honest real things. So I know it’s not a dream…as fantastic as it sounds…it’s not."
"You’re not part of it Susan…I’ve paid real close attention…you weren’t there anywhere."
I pulled back a little, "Where Ben?"
"In Bisbee and Contention, even the people on the set that filmed the movie I thought…maybe…I don’t know what I thought."
I began to realize how difficult this must be for him. For myself…he was a character in a movie that I fell for who somehow became real if only for a little while. For him caught up in a continuous circle it must be…hell. I held his face in my hands and kissed his eyes, his nose, his lips.
"I love you, Ben Wade; wherever you are whatever happens remember that, somewhere Susan loves you."
He smiled, "I know she does…but does she know…" Benjy began crying and he sat up bringing me with him. "Noisy little fella," he said and patted my behind as I got up to get the baby from his crib.
"How often do you feed him?" he asked when I settled down in the chair with Benjy.
"Whenever he’s hungry…every two to three hours…sometimes he sleeps about six hours during the night."
"When do you sleep?" he asked and grinned.
"Whenever I get the chance," I gave him a lopsided grin.
"You nursin’ now?" he asked.
"Yes…there’s an outpatient hospital I work there."
"How about the babe where does he go when you’re nursin’?"
"I take him with me, Ben; they have a nursery there with a staff that looks after the children while the mothers work. I can look in on him anytime I get a chance…and I do."
"I’m glad things worked out for you, Susan and you got your money from that husband of yours?"
"He’s no husband of mine anymore, I’m divorced now, and yes he did come through with a nice settlement. He had no choice…really."
He was quiet for a while; I burped Benjy and talked to him holding his little hands. "Would you like to hold him Ben?"
He looked at me strangely, "I don’t think so darlin’, no need in gettin’ attached to him. I don’t want him to know me." He said quietly.
I hurt a bit from that…for myself as well as him. He must have seen it in my face, he smiled slightly and got up and walked down the hallway. I held Benjy to me for a moment and took him to the nursery. I felt like his daddy needed comforting.
He was sitting in a chair looking out of the window in my bedroom. I walked over placing my hand on the back of his neck, he looked up and I bent and kissed him.
His hands went around my waist and then over my hips, "The sun is still bright…like time is standin’ still."
"I hope it is," I said looking into his eyes. He pulled me onto his lap.
"Susan I’ve put some money over there on your chest, I found out when I bought this house that gold is worth a lot more than it was when they made the movie. It’s for my son. I don’t want him to know where it came from, and I trust you won’t tell him. Find a safe bank and put it away for him."
"Ben…I"
"Shhh…I love you Susan Wade."
I fell on his shoulder and began to cry he held me for a moment and moved me to the bed. "Don’t…don’t, Susan it’s hard enough as it is…I know we can’t ever have a normal life together…you know that too…ain’t none of it normal. I’m not of your world and you’re not of mine…you know that don’t you?"
"I don’t care," I cried, "I don’t care if it’s not normal, I want whatever we can have…if it’s just a moment here and there…I want it…I want you." He held me to his body one arm around my waist and one around my shoulders. My face buried in the sweet place on his neck. He held me until I stopped crying, his undershirt wet with my tears.
He began kissing me, softly at first then more urgently as our bodies responded to each other’s touch. Hungrily we took each other. As I lay in the afterglow still wrapped in his arms I noticed the light in the room was growing dim. He’d noticed it to and shifted away from me. He got up and began to dress.
"Ben," I whispered and he came and sat on the side of the bed.
"I’m going to leave now, Susan." He bent and kissed me sweetly and touched my face.
I couldn’t speak, I reached up placing my hands on his face, it blurred before me and he wiped my tears with his thumb.
"You’ll be fine…you’ll have a good life…you’ve got a young man to raise…I trust you with him, Susan."
I let out a big sigh, "You’ll be proud of him."
Ben smiled and kissed me again, stood up finished dressing and picked up his saddle bags. I heard him stop in the nursery for a moment and then in my living room, where he donned his gun belt and hat. I wasn’t going to get up, I didn’t want to see him go, but in the end I did, wrapping my robe around me I ran to the front door. He was already up on Ribbon, he didn’t turn my way and I didn’t call out to him.
Already the sky was turning gray again and I could smell the rain coming. I walked out on the porch for a moment and then went back inside. I checked on Benjy, who was having a nice long nap, and walked back to my bedroom. There on the dresser set the stacks of gold coins. I took a ragged deep breath. Ben Wade’s son would be loved and cared for, and should he ever ask about his father…